Christmas

This was supposed to be your first Christmas with us.To be honest I really don't know how to feel as the day approaches cause in my heart I know that one member of my family is not present.Sometimes it becomes easier but family days like these ones make me think and yearn for you.I am missing you my baby but I get comforted knowing you are in a better place.I so wonder how you guys celebrate Christmas there,I am sure you are blessed to dine with the Master Jesus Christ and Our Father.All mommy can say is Merry Christmas my angel,you will forver be in my heart.

Thanksgiving

Hmmm to be honest 2011 hasn't been a year that I looked for in my entire life.All my dreams were shattered,all I hoped for was not fulfilled but above all I am still thankful for my experiences.Yes my baby died,whilst I was waiting in anticipation to welcome her into my world,to love her and care for her but that was not God's will for our lives;however I am still hopeful that God is still in control.

I would like to thank Him for His faithfulness towards me,for His loving kindness towards me,in the midst of my storm He was there.In the dark tunnel He provided me with light so that I see my way out.I felt like dying when Nkazimulo died but He renewed my strength.I stand in awe of my Daddy so great.

I would like to thank Nkazimulo for being in my womb for 31 weeks 6 days.I will always cherish the moments I spent with you;some women cannot even conceive but I conceived you so easily.Yes my heart breaks that you are not here with me but I am thankful that I have a guidian angel to watch over me and our family day and night.

I would like to thank everyone who was there for me and still here for me.The forums that gave me courage and are still encouraging me to press on.I won't name anyone and of you lovely people from around the world who take your time to read my blog.I never thought there would be people interested in my sobby stories but you do take your time to read my traumatic experience.My family and friends,thank you.

Lastly I would like to thank my daughter who cheers me up everyday and give me the joy of being a mother.You are a true blessing and mommy loves you so dearly.

I love you Nkazimulo

Filled with hope

Woohoo I am filled with so much hope,after reading an inspiring birth story of a rainbow baby.To be honest I stand in awe of our God so great,indeed He is faithful and delivers as He has promised.

To all angel moms who are trying to conceive or have conceived know that God is able,He is the Giver of Life and like my quote says "after a storm when you are with God there is always a rainbow."I remember speaking to this particular angel mom who is now overjoyed with the birth of a beautiful healthy baby boy and she overcame her fear of yet another stillbirth by keeping positive and had sort of a mark that should I pass this,I am fine.So I urge all angel mom who are expecting their rainbows to have something that will work for them to keep positive.

If God is for us,no one will be against us,so wishing you all rainbow babies in the future.

Vent,vent,vent

All the time,I get so pissed about people thinking I owe them explanations about my own life,plans and dreams.I really don't get their mentality, okay freedom of speech is given so why not use it responsibly.If I decide not to say what killed my baby or when am I having another one why should it bother people.

I am my own person and certainly don't need anyone else's approval so keep your opinions to yourself.I really don't like nosdey people because I am not nosey and couldn't care less about who does what,at what time.I mind my own business and so wish some people can get a life and mind their own businesses.We all have a part in our lives that didn't go our way so being an angel mom doesn't make me an allien from Mars,I am still human.

Saturday I managed to bless a baby girl who was born 3 weeks back with Nkazimulo's clothes.I felt happy knowing that the clothes won't be stored in a bag anymore but actually someone will really use it.The baby's mom is still a teenager with no work,it made so much sense to bless her child.I am actually proud of myself as I loved to open the bag,pack and repack and cry obviously.I only managed to leave winnie the pooh tekkies which I will be framing and hanging in my daughter's bedroom with Nkazi's name engraved and the date of her passing.

Phew*sigh of relief*,who would have thought that I can actually let go?As for me I really never thought I could let go of those clothes but the fact that the Child stole my heart is wonderful,she has such a beautiful name "Omontlemodimo"(God is beautiful),I couldn't agree more.

Nkazi my angel mommy loves you so much and I miss you lots daily.I am reminded of you everytime I see babies your age but mommy has to keep strong.

Sleep tight mommy's beautiful angel

Happy Angelversary Tshego

A beautiful baby girl born to a lovely family;
born uniquely as she was sleeping a year ago
but she still still remains her parents treasure
living in their hearts everyday
wishing it could have been different
yet even out of sight,she is highly treasured.

As your brother sings so loud and beautifully
"Happy birthday to you,we miss you Tshego,don't
forget about us."
It shows that you hold a special place
and you will be treasured forever
He longs for you daily,for your presence in his life
but I know you'll send a rainbow their way.

Beautiful Tshego your memories will be treasured forever
Happy angelversary beautiful baby girl
not only your parents are lost,we are lost too without you.

This post is dedicated to my friend's baby girl(Tshegofatso) who was born sleeping on 21 October 2010.Keeping her memory alive each and everyday.

Stillbirth World Awereness Day(15/10/2011)

My day was good,took out your clothing bag and just checking what is it I can give out and what is it I can keep.I had to go to church so wasn't really sure what time I will be back to really have my me and you time.Either way I had set a reminder that even when the day can get busy,I must atleast spend time in your honey.

At 19:15 I got home from church went straight to your photo where there are 3 red-heart shaped candles and I had one white one in my hand.I called your sister and told her to keep quiet and she did :-).We lit the candles for you and had a moment of silence,I was just reflecting on the joy you could have brought me should your destiny had been different.We blew the candles and that was it....

I really miss you my darling angel,you are all that mommy thinks of.Loving you still.

Honestly speaking I could have written something on monday when you made your 8 months mark in heaven,I remember sitting quietly and asking myself that since you are now an angel do you go through the growth stage in heaven like you've would have been here on earth,and I smilled at the thought that really now you could be crawling and teething *smiles*.

Then I realised that I miss you so much.You are now my sweet guardian angel,I love you so much and will always do.Thinking of you a lot lately,the 15th October is Stillbirth Awareness day and I will be lighting a candle in your memory,I will get your sister to light one as well,plus I have nice heart-shapped ones near your photo.We are thinking of you.

I love you

Oh my word;reading my last post.Only confussion reigned and it had nothing to do with you my angel but every time my life take a turn to another direction,it makes me miss you even more.I was overwhelmed by fear and anxiety.Fearing the unkown,asking myself how will I cope another pregnancy after losing you and the way your dad handled the matter drove me up the wall hence I was angry with him and thought he is insensitive towards my feelings.

Okay I understand it differs as I will be the one carrying yet another child but all I want is for him to be able to support me emotionally.Which makes me wonder how do angel mom's cope with pregnancy after stillbirth?

Any angel mom who has bee blessed with a rainbow please feel free to share.How did your husband or partner offer his support?How long did you wait till you tried again?How did people react seeing your growing belly?How did holding that alive,screaming baby felt?Please help us to prepare ourselves mentally,I know it differs from person to person but your experience and how you conquered will really help.

When I have picked up the pieces and moving past all anger and hate,the harsh realities comes back not as a flashback but as reality.I really never blamed anyone for your death and now my heart is blaming people which I know it's wrong but from saturday all I do all day long is to blame people and it is making me uneasy.I honestly expected your dad to understand where I am coming from but no he just act ignorantly to my feeling.

Maybe I am consoling myself but I think that a breakdown once in a while it's fine,I lost you,my child,my dream,my future.I have alot going on in this mind of mine that I cannot bring myself to write it down but I am praying about it.I have been doing so well and really don't need this melt down.

I just have so much mixed feeling right now when it comes to your dad cause he is not soothing my heart but think I am sick and insensitive.I don't want anyone to understand but we are in the same boat and yes he needs to be strong for us but he is creating doubts in my mind.Okay let me ink off cause I am confussed and way too emotional,I am not even sure what I am blogging right now.But I will pray hard about this.

I love my beautiful angel

Anyone reading this post please tell me what will you make of this story,I think sometimes I am paranoid and my mind tells me things.A friend of mine was sharing with me a story of her friend who gave birth 3 months ago,she shared this story with emphasis that's what made me scrutinise every detail.Apparently this friend gave birth via C-Section to a baby that was without breath nor heart beat,the nurses were preparing to take the baby to the mogue when the gynae advised the mom and her mom who was in the delivery room to pray earnestly,after 30 minutes of prayer the child came back to life.I was so happy to hear that the child is alive and healthy and just couldn't held back my joy even if I wanted to but what ticked me off is the repetation of this story.

Which made me to really sit down and ask myself what exactly was my friend communicating to me,is she trying to say that I should have prayed even harder for my child maybe I will also be bearing this testimony?Or is she saying that I took the child to the mogue quickly.All sorts of questions which I am not getting an answer to is running in my head.I spent an hour with my daughter praying for her and pastor interceding on our behalf,but God's will was done at the end of the day.Deep down in my heart I could have even sacrificed my life if asked just for my baby to be alive.I wanted that child alive just like every mother.Maybe I am misinterpriting her emphasis,maybe I am too sensitive at times but from where I see this there is more to her emphasis than what I think.Either way I have come to know that only God is the giver of life,no one else,children only comes through us not from us.

Either way I have decided not to retaliate when she tells me this story again and again I will try to keep my cool.

Nkazimulo my baby,only if I had powers you will be here with mommy.We all miss you so much.We love you my princess

Reality

Let's be honest, whether you lost one child or more, there is no way of getting use to the pain and you often hear people saying "I applaude you of your strength." If you are in Christ you will understand that it is the character of Christ in you that helps you bear so much pain and hide it in the face of the people. One worst thing I have heard is "why is she still crying, isn't she now used to the pain cause this is the 3rd time she miscarried."

Today I want to talk about such harsh comments, and believe me you I am not angry I just don't understand how can a normal human being say that. One angel mom said to my cousin when she tried to offer her support,"it's better cause I didn't yet buy anything for the baby." Really now, how is clothes significant to the pain of losing a child, is it the amount of clothes that says you love this child and wanted him\her? or is it the heart? The minute I fall pregnant I become so excited and I believe for most if not all woman, it's not the amount of clothes but the feelings involved the minute you hear there is a child on the way.

As women, we need to pick each other up and dust off. Some mothers ever since they became angel moms hardly have friends because people find you boring to be always talking about your angel and you don't know many angel moms that you can run too. It is true that you are expected to forget about it and move on but I say you don't have. I talk about my baby girl as though alive even though without pain but with smiles,like I said in my last post this was my decision to let go of my pain and honestly speaking I don't expect everyone to be like me cause we are all unique and deal with issues differently and I am here for any angel mom that needs me.I am not a psychologists but just a friend with willingness to offer my ear. My e-mail address is kulimas@webmail.co.za.

The power of letting go.

Oh my word if you had told me in March,I would have told you to get off my face cause you don't know what you are talking about.You know why was it like that?Because the pain was still fresh and unbearable and it seemed no one understood,but through the months I have learnt a secret to a fulfilling life,I have found joy and peace in my soul once more.No,No I am not strong;I have just accepted that my baby was born different,she was born sleeping but that doesn't make me love her less.I have learned to live with the fact that she's gone and that has taught me to let go of the pain,but what I cherish more is the bond we had and the birthing experience,spending an hour looking at her beautiful face,wow amazing.I have learned that pain can consume a person in a big way,it can make you neglect what matters most.It can make you lose vision for your life.Okay its good to be withdrawn but do you really think about how it affects your loved ones;how you might be depriving them of your love and attention.Pain can steal your life and joy.I have learnt over the months that there is power in letting go of pain.I chose with my own free will to remember my baby with happy emotions,to celebrate her with joy not bitterness,to cherish her as the angel she is.Like I said if someone had told me this earlier I was going to say the person is crazy and insensitive.What I love about letting go,is the fact that it needs an introspection,don't do it cause people say you must do it but do it cause your inner person says so.Some women have carried the pain till death,some can't truly love their children but it's all up to a person.I have decided to let go of the pain,to let go of the stigma of losing a baby.


My sweet sleep tight,mommy loves u dearly.

It doesn't mean

It doesn't mean that if I am smilling;
I am not in pain.
It doesn't mean if I walk around;
I am strong.
It doesn't mean if I keep quiet;
I can't see that you are tip toeing around me.
It doesn't mean if my eyes are dry;
I am not hurting.
It doesn't mean that I am insane;
when I talk about my late baby.
It doesn't mean if I go on;
with life I have forgotten.
Do not dictate my life and my feeling;

My baby girl I miss you
I am just a mother missing her daughter.

Hi angel

Hi angel;its mommy sending all her love to you above.This whole week you've been in my thoughts alot and you know you hold a special place in mommy's heart and can invade my thoughts at anytime.I know you looking down on us everyday and we find courage that at least we know that one of the angels assigned to us is one of our own.We are blessed to have you in heaven guarding and protecting us everyday.

God's masterpiece,as I write this message my heart is filled with joy and my hearts whispers,"mommy's pride and joy."I love you Nkazimulo and I am missing you dearly each and everyday of my life.As I ink of I want to tell you that you are very special to me and will always be my baby.I know I don't write as much as I am supposed to but since you live in my heart you know how often I miss you and send you my eternal love.

Sleep well my princess

Angel Mom

I know you never wanted to be;
but either way who will want to be
an angel mom.
I know you cry yourself to sleep everday;
but either way who will expect you to be
the same after being an angel mom.
I know you cannot let go of all memories;
but who will expect you to be after a
painful experiance.
I know you are scared to concieve again;
but who will expect you not to be.
I know you count the days,weeks,months
and eventually years;
but who will expect you not to
when all you have ever wanted was to count&celebrate birthdays.

I am an angel mom and all I ever dreamt of
was raising my baby girl.
I know how it feels to be told there is no heartbeat.
I know how it feels when people look at you like you
have a contagious disease.
I know how it is to sleep in a pool of tears
but let's all fix our eyes on the Giver of life.
being an angel mom is painful.

Wishing you all angel moms healthy and screeming rainbows
With all of my love

I will never....

I will never let death
hold me down.
I will never let nasty
comments bring me down.
I will never let fear
take root.
I will never let my relationship
die.

It's horrible enough that I lost a child
but I refuse to lose my life,joy and future.

BirthVerse

This is the verse that I will cherish as the word says only He had plans for you.This is your birthverse my angel,indeed you were created to be His vessel to be used in heaven,that's the reason you went straight there.Praise be unto His name now and forever.Amen.

Ephesians 2:10
"For we are God’s handiwork,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance
for us to do."

I love you my baby and I know you are making mommy proud.

Another Day

Every day,I awake is a brand new day;
another day to love;
another day to be joyous;
another day to remember;
what could be mine
but is not mine phsyically but spiritually;
another day to wipe all the tears;
another day to say good bye sorrow and pain;
another day to smile;
another day of the Lord;
another day of new beginnings;
another day for a brighter future;
another day to live

Missing you my baby Nkazi

Don't Ask by Lisa J. Salas

Don't ask me how I am today;
Because I might just tell you.
Don't expect me to smile and say;
"fine,thank you"
I am not fine.

Don't ask me how I am today;
Because I just can't pretend.
I have to tell you;
"I haven't been fine;
sonce the day my baby died."

Your Sister's birthday

Today it is your sister's birthday and she is turning 3 years.She has grown so much even though she is so lonely.She asked that we buy her a pink bicycle and will be granting her wish before end of this year.

I so wish you were here to just show her a smile as we celebrate her birthday but I know you are shinning down on her and sending her lots of lovies and kisses.

We all miss you so much.

The Image of a child by Chuck Hockema

Long before the world began,
All of God's children knew of His plan.
A plan to come to eart to live,
To learn,to love,to share,to give.

Mothers were chosen,each child to conceive;
Each child would be given a chance to achieve;
That portion of life no matter how brief;
To be a real person,to prove this belief.

To prove that all people born to this earth;
Are children of God,each life of great worth.
Some would be fathers,some would be mothers;
Still others are born to be sisters or brothers.

Sometimes a life ends before it's begun;
Dreams are broken of that daughter or son.
The name had been picked for a girl or a boy,
Even bought diapers,furniture and toys.

And now all that's left is the hurt and the pain.
Good people try to help,then try to explain.
Some say it just wasn't meant to be,
Some say,"Wait awhile,you'll forget,you'll see".

But deep in the heart of the father and mother,
Is the image of a child unlike any other.
The image of that child that lives on in their hearts.
The need is real,their love to impart.

To impart to that child,
Their love and their giving.
The image of that child
In their hearts will be living.

Graveyard

Finally after four months I get to go back and visit your grave and to my surprise I felt so much joy within me.All the nightmares I had with your grave were not even close to be true and I think that's what gave me peace.For you to be buried so very far from me that I cannot come put flowers everytime I think of you doesn't make me happy but hey I found your grave the way I left it.

I just sat there and the joy that flooded my heart was too great.My angel thank you for sending peace my way,there were times I thought my life was over but you helped me overcome your death by bringing positive outlook in my life.You constantly reminded me of your sister,who has been great and she misses you,hoping that you will send her a living sibling to complete her joy as much as it will complete us as well.

Mommy will always love you my sweet angel.
Goodnight

Honouring my husband

This post is dedicated to my husband,father of my two girls.When I think of him this expression comes to mind "every man can be a daddy but it takes a real man to be father."I am proud to say I have found a father for my kids,he shares the journey from pregnancy throughout.A man who loves bottle feeding,rocking to changing diapers,I am talking about a hands-on-father.With us africans we tend to think that a man is bewitched when he is hands-on their children and wonder why children bond so much with their mothers.My daughter is so fond of her father because of the amount of love he has and shows her.

My darling husband,thank you for your loving-kindness,for the support you give me and for being a good father that you are.I dedicate this video,created by Courtney especially for you.
http://animoto.com/play/N9fSuxTLASmdKGEFQWsVqw

Bright Shooting Star

As I looked at the sky;
I saw a bright beautiful shooting star;
and as it shot so fast yet brightly;
It brought a smile on my face;
For I knew you were watching over me.

As it moved it reminded me
that you are dancing for joy;
and you are at peace.

That bright shooting star;
reminded me of how perfect you are;
how beautiful you are;
how your name suits you;
that bright shooting star was you;
shooting to remind me that you are with me;
all my life.

Bright star sleep well.Mommy loves you

I am lighting a candle

Today I am lighting a candle in your honour;
honouring the life that you lived short and brief;
honouring the joy I had carrying you.

Today I am lighting a candle in your memory;
thinking of the life that was waiting for you;
thinking of all the goodies waiting for you.

Today I am lighting a candle in remembrance of the energy you had;
remembering the wave gave us on the ultra sound;
remembering the sensentional kicks you gave me;
remembering seeing you without a heartbeat;
remembering seeing you peacefully sleeping.

Today I am lighting a candle to mark 4 months since your soul left your beautiful body;
since you went straight to heaven.
I am missing you and will always adore you.

Just feel like screaming today

LORD PLEASE BRING BACK MY BABY,I AM LONGING FOR HER.NKAZIMULO MY ANGEL MOMMY IS THINKING ALOT ABOUT YOU,SOME DAYS ARE JUST HARDER THAN OTHER AND TODAY IS JUST ONE OF THOSE.I JUST CANNOT WAIT TO KNOCK OFF JUST TO SEE YOUR SISTER SMILE,I KNOW SHE WILL TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY WITH HER BEAUTIFUL SMILE.I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY BUT AT TIMES IT IS HARD CAUSE YOU ARE NOT HERE TO FILL THAT MISSING GAP IN MY SOUL.I WISH I CAN JUST HOLD YOU,I WISH I CAN JUST KISS YOU,I AM WISHING FOR SO MANY THINGS RIGHT NOW....

OH MY BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL,I AM MISSING YOU A LOT.

Am I really obsessed?

Okay yesterday a very good friend of mine,outlines that I am obsessed.She said she has observed me more often and thinks she must just say it aloud THAT IAM NOW OBSESSED.Obsessed about babies,pregnant women etc.And to be honest other babies do not fascinate me;same thing goes to preggie bellies.I held a 2 months old baby for the first time,last sunday in church and I was battling with my emotions if I should and I told myself that I need to overcome my fear and even though my eyes were teary;I managed to take out my best smile as I held that sweet baby,he was sleeping.

Going back to the topic at hand,I then asked my friend "why do you say that."And her response was I am always occupied by forum chats and I become so excited when someone gets a baby or is pregnant.Okay I admit I am guilty as charged as I love my Moomie Forum and Daily strength forum and yes I will go to the pregnancy side on moomie till all my preggie friends delivered healthy babies but as for the Daily strength I joined in the stillbirth group and I become excited when an angel mommy falls pregnant.I am just a chat addict that's why I cancelled my facebook :-)

Please help me,am I fooling myself?Am I actually obsessed?Husby once said that and I just do not get it.Yes I will love to have other children but that does not make me obessed?I so wished I was already pregnant but that's God's call to make not mine and that's the reason I won't torture myself and husby about trying again even though we won't prevent it ;-).

To be honest,I feel nothing for pregnant women other than pray for them;I would hate to meet someone to tell me that she lost her child.Again I say,"I will never wish a stillbirth even to my worst enemy(if I do have such)."When I see newborns I just share joy because the baby is alive and healthy.So correct me if I am wrong,am I obessed or not?

Wouldn't it be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I would take out your photo album;
and see you?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I would close my eyes;
and see clips of your smile?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I would play that video clip
just to hear your voice?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I will go to your nursery;
and reminisce on the times spent there?

It would be nice my angel;
only if I was given the chance to have a memory of you
but hey no memories to reminisce whatesoever.
Good night my beautiful baby girl,mommy misses you.

Doctor's visit

Last week monday I felt these sharp pains on my abdomen and I ask myself what would this be.So Tuesday morning I go to the work clinic where the nurse says it's ovulation pains,then I start googling(yes I soooo love google)then I read and my mind is put at ease,yet there is one thing that is not adding up cause the ovulation calculator says I have already ovulated.Hmmm,then I decided to go visit the gynae no it's not the same gynae that I have been avoiding,atleast is a new one,who knows nothing about me.

I didn't have an appointment cause it was a spare of the moment kind of thing,then I waited a while before I went in.I get there tell him my story then he says climb the bed for me(mind you it is the first time going to the ultrasound after Nkazi's death),I froze a bit when he was busy checking me and walla everything is fine no problems maybe a slight infection which can be caused by anything.

Wow,I just couldn't believe that I will really look at the ultrasound without sharing any tears or being fearful and it confirmed to me that not only physically have I healed but emotionally too and I was glad that I went there.I am making progress.Hurray!!!!!

A dream or a vision

Dreams can be used as a form of communication yet if you do not know how to interpret them just like me they can bring confusion and tend to stress or freak you out.

Few weeks after my beautiful Nkazi went home I dreamt of having triplets(3 sets of babies)2 boys and 1 girl,when I woke up I felt this warmness and peace within me and that dream really comforted and gave me hope for a brighter future.I really don't know what this dreams means but the fact that I woke up happy completes me.

Two weeks back,I dreamt of husby telling me that we had concieved triplets and I was very happy and to be honest when I woke up I immediately thought this dream is a vision.I just think that there is a form of communication through this particular dream,I know that my Father in Heaven had to multiply me that's why I think that this is vision.

So yesterday again I dream of my sister insisting that I shouldn't name my baby(meaning that I had conceived),because she has a perfect name for the child.This morning when I woke up I asked myself is this a dream or vision.Like I said before I am not TTCing just leaving everything is God's capable hands and to be honest I love these sorts of dreams cause they give me hope.My husband is against us TTCing cause he hates it if we (especially me)get desparate cause it will only drive me up the wall and I totally agree.I never planned any of my pregnancies and it is just so beautiful to be surprised.

What worries me is that I never dreamt of Nkazimulo's face,I just think it is not normal.I would really love it if she can come to me and tell me that she loves me too as much as I love her.That beautiful face I saw,I am longing to see it again in a dream.

Mommy misses and adores you my precious angel.

Call me crazy

Call me crazy when I miss my daughter and wish I can have her back but I call myself perfectly normal.Death is death,who said if it's a stillborn it is less important?I just get this change the topic attitude when I talk about my child and I quote "It's not like she lived for 6 years then dies."Diiish that's my own flesh and blood and I decide how I remember her and if you are not comfortable hanging around me cause I will talk about Nkazi,bounce.I am so tired of people dectating how I should behave.

Call me crazy when I think of having another baby but I call it normal and yes I am not TTCing but that doesn't mean I am not aspiring to be one day.If you think it is too soon,that's your own opinion and not mine so keep them to yourself.If you think that I am trying to replace my daughter,you are just letting your mind play tricks with you cause in real sense no mother will ever think of replacing a child and beside a child is not like furniture you can't replace.

Call me crazy when I look at babies and think of mine and wish she could be this far long in life,and I call myself normal.I don't have to be a pschologist to know that people grieve differently so don't compare me to others.Call me crazy when I resent a pregnant woman but I call myself normal.

Call me crazy when I research on everything leading to stillbirth,I call it equiping the mind.Yes my baby's death had been an eye-opener and knowing what I can possibly know about pregnancy and pregnancy loss is now my priority.

Call me crazy when I talk about my baby with dry eyes and I call it the healing process.Because I have lost a child doesn't mean I have to always look miserable and fall apart at every conversation.I bath and put on my best item of clothing that's my beautiful smile and face the day.You can say it is still too early but I call it being positive about life.

Call me crazy when I just stare at my baby's scan picture but I call it keeping her memory alive.My baby will always be apart of me.

Call me crazy when I write in this blog instead of going to counselling but I call it being normal as why should I pay someone who never went through the same loss as me and at times tells me "give yourself time,you will be fine."What keeps me sane is blogging my feelings away,call it hanging out my dirty laundry but I call it reaching out to all angel families.

Call me crazy when I panick from every little abdomen pain but I call it being normal cause I am human.Yes I lost my baby but I am not a weirdo,I am not crazy I am perfectly normal and to be honest if her grave was nearer to where I am I was going to visit it everyday.You call it spooky,I call it missing my child.

Grief versus Relationships

After the funeral of my angel,my husband went back home(our home)and I was left with my family to care and support me.Husby and I will talk on the phone daily and I felt it was not enough but we had to respect "tradition" as it forbidded us to be together till a certain period of time.I grew apart from my husband cause there were things that he did that I thought was so unnecessary and inconsiderate not even considering his feeling or why he is acting the way he was(guess I was also inconsiderate).I don't know if I wanted him to fall apart and sob everyday like I did,depend on sleeping tablets every night like I did.He also couldn't sleep but that didn't matter to me,I just thought he is boozing the night away(I was wrong).To be honest I think what the elders thought was helpful was not,cause the distance drew us apart.Tradition or not husband and wife need to be there for each other in this time.It's sad that I have learned that the hard way but I thank God that my husband and I are okay.

I remember he once asked to go to a party and I snapped.Why do you even think of parties in a time like this?What are you celebrating?the fact that my baby died pleases you that you cannot wait for the mourning period to be over you just want to go out and have a jol.Was I too harsh?I never really sat him down and asked him how he really felt and the fact that I was not there for him to support him and I was surrounded by all my loved ones whilst he had to go back home to see to it there are no break-ins.

In my head,everytime he will say something,It came that he doesn't care.He was not carrying that life,that's why he won't feel like his heart has been ripped out.But to be honest I was plain selfish to even think that and I am glad that someone knocked some sense into my head before I lost a daughter and a husband.My husband loves me unconditionally and always here for me when I need a shoulder but I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I kept pushing him away from me.

He came to fetch me,after spending a month with my family and I just didn't get it that he avoid every topic about our daughter and it just pissed me off big time.But later realised that it was his own way of dealing with his grief.He loved our daughter as much as I do and will contunue to love her.

I am glad that my baby's death made our hearts grow even fonder of each other but there are some families who have drifted apart because of a death of a baby.If I may ask this question:"honestly do we think our baby will rest in peace knowing that his\her death had torn apart a home,the home that he\she was suppose to belong in too."I am appealing to every angel family to not allow grief steal your peace and joy as a family.Do not allow guilt to destroy you.The blaming game always destroys and never builds.Some things do not need counselling it only needs understanding.

I thank my husband cause he understood and just kept quiet to my allegations because he wanted to avoid fights and the day that I woke up in the right side of bed he will tell me nicely that he didn't like what I said and why must I say such things etc....Counselling is good but it is for dealing with emotions etc not the heart,as for relationships is the matter of the heart.You love your spouse,so why are you pushing him\her away from you when they want to reach out and help.

I remember my husband telling me that "my love I don't ever want other kids."and that is exactly how I felt too.Reason is the fear of occurance.You know it hurts so much to want to spare the love of your life pain which in so doing inflicting more pain.I am talking about what I call selfish thinking,at the moment it sounds right to utter the words "I am so done with having children."but do you honestly think how the reciever feels about this message you are communicating?We must remember that God did not give us the spirit of fear but of love,power and of a sound mind.Some things we just have to put it in God's "to-do-list",trust that you won't suffer stillbirth again.

Now I am thinking of all the angel families who have no living babies and it is rather selfish if a man or a woman wants to spear you another unknown pain but saying we are done,this was our first and last child.But in most cases I see that after some time there is that urge of wanting to have another baby,so if your spouse said that just give them time to pass their shocking stage and you might hear the words that you want to hear.

And I am this because my husband and I are past the shocking stage,we are not TTCing cause we had put our trust in the Lord and I love this scripture that says "those who wait upon the Lord,shall renew their strength,they shall mount up on eagles wings."So that what I Kuli Christ is saying....

Let's be kind to one another and not let grief consume our relationships cause you might regret it and it will be too late.The best comfort a mom can get is from the dad cause you are experiencing the same thing,rid the mentality that it is different cause he just gave the sperm...

I am missing my darling angel,Nkazimulo mommy loves you so much

One of those things

There are one of those things that just set a person off and for me it's to hear stories about how a mother gave birth to a healthy bouncy baby just to kill it and throw it in the rubbish bin,how sick is that?I am anti-abortion but since it's legal,there is nothing one can say cause it is a personal choice but it is dispeakable for a mother to go through the 9 months and labour process just to kill the baby,why not consider adoption.Are women these days so heartless that they kill innocent babies?

The one that really set me off,was a lady who cooked a newborn baby.How does she sleep at night?I at times get haunted by the face of my baby who I wanted so much to give me that cry so what about looking straight at a child's eyes and still boil it.Talking about cold hearted somebody.

I know as a mother,you don't have to lose a child to be irritated by such things.It just takes a woman with a good heart to be angry at women who give birth to kill their newborns.Is it the fact that the baby daddy left?Is it a financial thing?I know I won't get answers but hey if I were to be a judge for only one day,I was gonna give these heartless women a sentence that they will never forget their entire miserable lives.*pissed*

Have you ever????

Have you ever laid down
and fell asleep;
and wishing for a peaceful night
then instead your night is stolen
by nightmares
dreaming of your baby's grave is a nightmare
isn't it?????

Have you ever woke up
and wondered what this dream meant
or why is it coming???
Being deep in thoughts......

Have you ever felt
you can dig up the grave
and re-burry your child
scary thoughts isn't it???

Is it part of the grieving process???
Or is it total madness and paranoial
of some sort????
Hmmm,this doen't sound good to me

Have you ever thought
you could have done things differently
that maybe and only maybe
if you had done this or that
you wouldn't be among the statistics of stillbirth
Is it guilt consuming you
or is it your mind playing tricks
Hmmmmm,what ever it is I rid it

Have you ever wished
that you will lie down
and when you wake up
your baby will be in your arms
Hmmmm,this is what I call wishful thinking
But is it wrong for a mother to wish for that???
I don't think so,
I think it is normal
But hey I am an angel mom and thoughts like these sounds normal to me
Will you call me crazy???
Either way,it comforts my heart
Who said that keeping the faith is crazy
Yes I won't hold my dead baby
But I will hold a bouncy baby in my hands
You might call it replacing a child
And I call it a blessing from God

Have you ever wished
you were not in this sinking boat
Reality is you are....
And what are you doing about it
I have chosen to have positive thoughts
What is your choice?????

To all angel moms being hopeful is not wrong,being positive is not wrong as well,keep being positive,hopeful and add prayerful.

Poem to Jeffrey by Susan Berg(Mother)

No first baby's cries;
or goodbye lullabyes.
Only a quiet good-bye.

No gazing into big blue eyes;
or wearing little booties and
bowties.
Only emptiness inside.

No kisses for tiny fingers and toes;
or baby coos and first words to
know.

No first baby steps or games to play.
Only hopes and dreams that were
swept away.

No birthday candles,ballons or
gifts.
Only heavy hearts cannot lift.

No brother and sister bonds to share.
Only love we send in thoughts and
prayers.

No;you were the gift chose not
give.
Only with angels is where you shall
live.

No;to hold you in my arms I must
wait.
Only in time,we will meet at the gate.

I'll never forget the sweet words of a friend who consoled me in a time of sadness about losing my son Jeffrey.He said the usual thing you hear...God works in mysterious ways.That His plan is too great for us to understand.But then he added,"you never know.Maybe when you get there,he'll be holding the gate."

Thank you Susan for allowing me to share this

What is stillbirth?

A stillbirth occurs when a fetus has died in the uterus. The Australian definition specifies that fetal death is termed a stillbirth after 20 weeks gestation or the fetus weighs more than 400 grams (14 oz). Once the fetus has died the mother still has contractions and remains undelivered. The term is often used in distinction to live birth or miscarriage. Most stillbirths occur in full term pregnancies.

Causes
The causes of a large percentage of human stillbirths remain unknown, even in cases where extensive testing and autopsy have been performed. A rarely used term to describe these is sudden antenatal death syndrome or SADS, a phrase coined by Cacciatore & Collins in 2000.[1]

In cases where the cause is known, some possibilities of the cause of death are:

-bacterial infection
-birth defects, especially pulmonary hypoplasia
-chromosomal aberrations
-growth retardation
-intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy
-maternal diabetes
-high blood pressure, including preeclampsia
-maternal consumption of recreational drugs (such as alcohol, nicotine, etc.) or pharmaceutical drugs contraindicated in pregnancy
-postdate pregnancy
-placental abruptions
-physical trauma
-radiation poisoning
-Rh disease
-umbilical cord accidents
+"Prolapsed umbilical cord" - Prolapse of the umbilical cord happens when the fetus is not in a correct position in the pelvis. Membranes rupture and the cord is pushed out through the cervix. When the fetus pushes on the cervix, the cord is compressed and blocks blood and oxygen flow to the fetus. The mother has approximately 10 minutes to get to a doctor before there is any harm done to the fetus.
+"Monoamniotic twins" - These twins share the same placenta and the same amniotic sac and therefore can interfere with each other's umbilical cords. When entanglement of the cords is detected, it is highly recommended to deliver the fetuses as early as 31 weeks.

+Entanglement of cord in twin pregnancy at the time of Caesarean Section
Umbilical cord length - A short umbilical cord (<30 cm) can affect the fetus in that fetal movements can cause cord compression, constriction and ruptures. A long umbilical cord (>72 cm) can affect the fetus depending on the way the fetus interacts with the cord. Some fetuses grasp the umbilical cord but it is yet unknown as to whether a fetus is strong enough to compress and stop blood flow through the cord. Also, an active fetus, one that frequently repositions itself in the uterus can cause entanglement with the cord.a hyperactive fetus should be evaluated with ultrasound to rule out cord entanglement.
+Cord entanglement - The umbilical cord can wrap around an extremity, the body or the neck of the fetus. When the cord is wrapped around the neck of the fetus it is called a nuchal cord. Again, these entanglements can cause constriction of blood flow.These entanglements can be visualized with ultrasound.
+Torsion - This term refers to the twisting of the umbilical around itself. Torsion of the umbilical cord is very common ( especially in equine stillbirths) but it is not a natural state of the umbilical cord.The umbilical cord can be untwisted at delivery. The average cord has 3 twists.
Sometimes a pregnancy is terminated deliberately during a late phase, for example for congenital anomaly. UK law requires these procedures to be registered as "stillbirths".

Prenatal diagnosis
It is unknown how much time is needed for a fetus to die. Fetal behavior is consistent and a change in the fetus' movements or sleep-wake cycles can indicate fetal distress.A decrease or cessation in sensations of fetal activity may be an indication of fetal distress or death, though it is not entirely uncommon for a healthy fetus to exhibit such changes, particularly near the end of a pregnancy when there is considerably little space in the uterus for the fetus to move about. Still, medical examination, including a nonstress test, is recommended in the event of any change in the strength or frequency of fetal movement, especially a complete cease; most midwives and obstetricians recommend the use of a kick chart to assist in detecting any changes. Fetal distress or death can be confirmed or ruled out via fetoscopy/doptone, ultrasound, and/or electronic fetal monitoring. If the fetus is alive but inactive, extra attention will be given to the placenta and umbilical cord during ultrasound examination to ensure that there is no compromise of oxygen and nutrient delivery.

Constricted Umbilical Cord
When the umbilical cord is constricted (q.v. "accidents" above), the fetus experiences periods of hypoxia, and may respond by unusually high periods of kicking or struggling, to free the umbilical cord. These are sporadic if constriction is due to a change in the fetus' or mother's position, and may become worse or more frequent as the fetus grows. Extra attention should be given if mothers experience large increases in kicking from previous childbirths, especially when increases correspond to position changes.

Prevention
As many of the causes are unknown or untreatable, prevention is difficult. Symptoms of bacterial infection, such as from a dental abscess, in pregnant women may also include unusual periods of incoherence and symptoms of shock, and should be treated by a physician immediately. High blood pressure, diabetes and drug use should be regulated with physician's advice. Umbilical cord constriction may be identified and observed by ultrasound.

Prenatal maternal treatment
An in utero stillbirth does not usually present an immediate health risk to the woman and labour will usually begin spontaneously after two weeks, so the woman may choose to wait and birth the fetal remains vaginally. After two weeks, the woman is at risk of developing blood clotting problems, and labor induction is recommended at this point. In many cases, the woman will find the idea of carrying the dead fetus emotionally traumatizing and will elect to be induced. Caesarean birth is not recommended unless complications develop during vaginal birth.

Prevalence
Stillbirth is a relatively common, but often random, occurrence. The mean stillbirth rate in the United States is approximately 1 in 115 births, which is roughly 26,000 stillbirths each year, or on an average one every 20 minutes. In Australia,England, Wales, and Northern Ireland, the rate is approximately 1 in every 200 births, in Scotland 1 in 167. (From The National Statistical Office and other sources.) Many stillbirths occur at fullterm to apparently healthy mothers, and a postmortem evaluation reveals a cause of death in only about 40% of autopsied cases.

In developing countries, where medical care can be of low quality or unavailable, the stillbirth rate is much higher.

Deep in thoughts

Are there any support groups specially for grieving mothers affected by stillbirth or miscarriages or death of a child here in SA?If anyone has an answer please let me know.Are the organisation dedicated to research on the cause of stillbirth and come up with preventative measures?Hmmm I haven't come across any,so please if someone knows of it please to let me know.I am even wondering if there are companies doing gifts for grieving parents like pendants etc...I spent the whole day googling and all I could find is overseas shops.

I know that the number of stillborns here in South Africa have increased but what is our doctors doing about it.I remember in the hospital I was,they gave me a private room for delivering but after they took me to an empty room just next door the nursery and all I can hear the whole night is crying babies,how insensitive that is.When the shifts changed,the night nurses did not inform the day nurses that in that room there is a mother who just lost her child and all I heard all morning was "where is your baby?" Do you want me to bring her for feeds."I just laid there in tears and with a shaking voice said "my baby died."In my heart I just couldn't wait for my husband to come and answer these questions for me and he eventually came at 6:30 and rescued me and we had to wait there and be tortured till the gynae arrived to discharge me.

Do not get me wrong,I did not want preferential treatment but some sort of sensitivity.So yaah when my psychologist advised me to start a blog,even though I was hesitant at first but I thought about it thoroughly and asked myself what will people think etc...but I said to hell cause most women here in South Africa go through stillbirth almost everyday and some more than once and keep it to themselves.I will write a blog and even though it is personal maybe it might help someone some day.

It is not wrong to grieve for your child that was bornsleeping,we go into depression because we do not talk,since we are not allowed to.Some they did not get to give their children decent burials and will never eract a tombstone cause culture says stillborns should be buried at the back of the family home.But I would like to say,that should not permit you to think of your child or do something to honour their memory.I remember I was so pissed that in her death certificate they only wrote "baby Kulani."whilst we had names for her,to me that is just so inconsiderate and unfair to the parents.But I have decided that I won't let a death certificate deprive me of honouring my daughter.When you talk to people about your late child,they look at you like you are mad or obsessed.It doesn't not mean that if my baby died,she was not my child.She came out the same way other living children come out the only difference is she came out sleeping with no heartbeat.

I urge everyone to respect angel moms and allow them to talk freely about their children and birthing experience if they want.All kids are special to their parents and every parent is proud of their children.So don't look at me like I am crazy when I talk about my girls,yes you heard me rights "girls",I am a proud mother of two beautiful girls,one here on heart filling my heart with joy and one in heaven filling my heart with strength and hope.

To be honest if I had a gift of crafting I would open a shop that only sell keepsakes and jewelry for the stillborns,so unfortunately.I want to paste reference of what other countries are doing in support of stillbirths,it is not taboo to talk about this,it might help someone some day and wouldn't you be happy that you did something to help prevent another mother from experiencing such a painful thing.

Anyone who like to share their story with the world in this blog you can,let's raise awareness.drop at kulimas@webmail.co.za and I will post it for you.

www.uk-sands.org
www.MyForeverChild.com

Officially name removed

After a message from my angel that she wants to be remembered for her uniqueness not be given a pattern name,even though it was beautiful and had a strong meaning,daddy and I had agreed to honour your memory my darling child,Vutshamo is officially removed and we won't add another name.Nkazimulo remains and trully you are God's glory my angel.

You were born unique hence it makes sense that you want to remain unique.I told your sister last night that we should say "Good night Nkazi" and she said it without asking too many questions.I am glad that this name you have disregarded it and you want it to belong to your little brother or sister and it won't be in your memory but it will be rightly his or hers,you have given it to her\him and have given me hope also....

You are special my angel and I love you so very much and even though it might not make sense but as long as you okayed it,daddy and I are fine with the decision.So Miss Nkazimulo Mathibela thank you for your guidance and filling my life with so much hope for a brighter tomorrow.

To all our visitors please note that we have removed Vutshamo aka Tshami and she is now left with her prophetic name Nkazimulo.I know there are those who won't understand but I am honouring my baby's request.Angels do talk(smilling)and I am happy that she did after 3 months of her death.It is still the same blog,we just removed one name and won't be adding another name.

Month 3

Wow it is amazing how time flies,I don't believe that it has been 3 months since you went to heaven.I don't believe how my face just lights up when I talk about you,how much I have hope for a brighter future.Even when tears falls,I remember you with a beautiful broad smile,my miracle baby.I will always love you and keep you in my heart cause that's where you belong.There was a time I will cry myself to sleep but not anymore.Indeed those who wait upon the Lord,He shall renew their strength,they shall mount up on eagles wings.I have reached to a point that I am content and I love the feeling.Maybe people don't feel comfortable talking about you but only if they knew there is absolutely nothing wrong reliving your memories and it is therapy for me.Mommy loves you my darling angel.

I have heard that I should change your name but before I do that I will talk to daddy and take it from there.You are very special(smiles),not wanting to go by my naming pattern and diverting your name to a different,unique direction so that you must be remembered for your uniqueness,wow......I love you more and more everyday.

Forever in my heart(Remembering Jeffrey)by Susan Berg

It's been two years since I lost my son,Jeffrey,at birth.It's strange,the process of grief,how it goes from unbearable heartache to eventual acceptance.When it first happened,people kept telling me my pain would ease as time went by,but at the time,it was hard to imagine that I would ever feel better.It is such a senseless loss.I remember thinking how cruel God must be to let such a thing happen....to give me a baby,let it grow inside for nine months,and then take him away just hours before he was to be delivered into my arms.

But it has been two years,and I have now learned to accept my loss,the loss of my son's little brother,and my daughter's big brother.In the beginning I couldn't go for more than a few minutes without crying,then a few hours,a day,a week,a month,and eventually I might go a year without crying.But the tears are there to fall,when I let them,because it is sad and always will be,there's no way to get around that.

Even though I have accepted what has happened and that I will never know why,every August 25 I will be that mother who just lost her child, and will feel the heartache of that day.I will always wish I was celebrating my little boy's birthday,through every year and every stage of life,instead of the anniversary of his death.

There will always be that empty place in our lives that effrey would have filled.We'll always wish he was here with us,and that we could have known him.But I have to believe that he was born to God...that God had other plans that are too great for me to understand.

And since I can't hold him in my arms,I will hold him,forever,in my heart.

Jeffrey's Mom

Mother's Day Poem by Gwen Flowers

I got this from my support group and thought I should share with all the angel mommies......

Happy Mothers Day to you,
and may peace fill your heart
as you and your sweet babies spend
this mothers day apart

My thoughts and prayers are with you
on this Mothers Day
for you have seen your hopes and dreams
softly slip away

Happy Mothers Day to you
you deserve nothing less
for you have borne the burden
of loss and emptiness.

You have earned the right to roses
or daisies in chubby hands
but all I can offer to you
is a friend who understands.

There's so much pain and sorrow
when things turn out this way
but we share a special bond
on this special day.

So happy Mothers Day, my friend
may it bring some joy to you
for you have loved that special way
that only mothers do.

Mother's day

On sunday it was mother's day and I couldn't help but just cry.Thinking to myself I could be enjoying this day with both my beautiful girls yet I thank God that I am a mother to two precious girls.As I was watching a gospel music channel,I heard the song "Enkazimulweni" my tears just flowed as I remembered my Nkazimulo had went home.What wiped my tears and brought joy to my day was my father's message,even since I became a mother 3 years back to my first daughter he never sent me a mother's day message and this was special and the fact that it is coming from someone who lost his mother years back that he still cherishes mothers out there had put a smile on my face.I don't know why but my spirit says I must change my baby's name to Muendzi which means Visitor but still keep Nkazimulo cause it was a prophetic name.Wow,still have to communicate to husby regarding this....I think my baby is saying something to me.

To all those women who have lost their only child to stillbirth and were not recognised on this day I would like to say Happy Mother's day.You are also a mother,you also went through the labour pains and birthing a child,you are not different from us who have living children.You are wonderful and special and need to be celebrated as well.

Open Up Your Eyes lyrics by Daughtry, Chris; Hodges, David; Moody, Ben;

A single rose left to remember
As a single tear falls from her eye
Another cold day in December
A year from the day she said goodbye

Seems it's only been a moment
Since the angels took him from her arms
And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow
But as they laid him in the ground
Her heart would sing without a sound

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life
Just open up your eyes

A single lifetime lays behind her

As she draws her final breath
Just beyond the door he'll find her
Taking her hand she softly says

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life

Just open up your eyes as I lay you down tonight
Safe on the other side, no more tears to cry

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life

A letter from your big sister

ImageChef.com Flower Text When your heart stopped
my dream of having a little sister
to share my toys with died.
It was 10:00 am when I heard teacher say
"daddy is here to fetch you".
I just didn't understand why today he came early.
It was odd as I approached the car as I saw mommy,
immediately I knew something was wrong.
We drove to granny's place
and to my suprise there was a dead silence in the car.
Someone tell me what's going on,
yes I am only 31 months old
but I do have senses and now I am sensing pain.
Mommy whispered in my ear in my sleep
that you went to Jesus...
to my suprise how is that so?
cause I saw a white kinda box put into a hole
and I was told this is where you are sleeping....
I still cry in confusion cause you live in my mom's tummy
but confusion reigns again
as I look at mommy's tummy it now looks hungry.
What did she do to my little sister?
She told me that I will be a big sister
but now she don't talk about it anymore
She don't let me brush nor kiss her tummy
Hmmmm I will never understand old people...
They always talk in riddles.
Either way I am still waiting for you
I promise we will share my sweets and toys
I love you and I will sing to you as well
Mommy always introduces me to other nanas
but not to you....
I have your photo hanging in my room;
What's going on here?
cause mommy removed all your things
I don't get it and she just says you won't need them
cause Jesus will give you more beautiful ones
Now I am only left with all the toys and have no little sis to share with.
Mommy makes me feed and play with my baby cousin
but I am waiting for you....
cause it's not the same,he only comes to visit
but it looks I am going to wait forever....
I am lonely and wish Jesus can bring you
so that we can play and run around the house...
and drive mommy up the wall*smilling*
Come back please.....

With love
Your Big Sister

A poem written by an angel father(Reference from footprints newsletter)

They ask "How's your wife?"
But they don't understand.
He also affected my life.

I picture him on a football team.
Who knows,maybe number 13
But now it's all just a dream.

I'm not supposed to show any
emotions or cry
I'm supposed to take it like a man
But sometimes I wish I could die.

I'll never know the bruised knee
His first kiss or broken heart
Not ever "Dad,can I have the car key?"

I'm expected to keep all of this
bottle up inside.
That wasn't just fetal tissue or a
nonviable pregnancy.
He was my only son that died.

But life continues,although I am
sad.
You'll never understand my pain
or tear in my eyes
Because to you

I'm just the Dad.

By Dennis VanDerWoude

An open letter to bereaved parent.... excerpted from Ann Landers(Ref Footprints newsletter)

I won't say,"I know how you feel"----because I don't.I've lost parents,grandparents,aunts,uncles and friends,but I've never lost a child.So how can I say I know how you feel?

I won't say,"You'll get over it"---because you won't.Life will have to go on.The washing,cooking,cleaning,the common routine.These chores will take your mind off your loved one,but the hurt will still be there.

I won't say,"never mind,you're young enough to have another baby"---because that won't help.A new baby cannot replace the one you've lost.A new baby will fill your hours,keep you busy,give you sleepless nights.But it will not replace the one you've lost.

You may hear all these platitudes from your friends and relatives.They think they are helping.They don't know what else to say.You will find out who your true friends are at this time.Many will avoid you because they can't face you.Others will talk about the weather,the holidays and the school concert but never about your child.Never about how you're coping.

So what will I say?

I will say,"I'm here.I care.Anytime.Anywhere."I'll cry with you if need be.I'll talk about your loved one.We'll laugh about the good memories.I won't mind how long you grieve.I won't tell you to pull yourself together.

No,I don't know how you feel---but with sharing,perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through.And perhaps you will feel comfortable with me and find your burden has eased.Try me.

I am missing my baby so much but in a happy way.As the flowers bloom so beautifully so is my life,yes I have learned to live with the fact that I am an angel mom,that I'll get to see you some day in heaven.I used to wonder if you ate,if you are happy etc, but not anymore cause I know you are safe under the shadow of God's wings.

I am now content,yes it's been 11 weeks but I am better than expected cause when you are in Christ you have a different perspective of death.I will always love you my beautiful baby.Have the sweetest dreams.We send you our love every night cause we believe you hear them,we can't hear your rsponse but we know you are replying back.

Mothers and Mothers-to-be

As I closed my eyes last night,it came to my heart that there are mothers who do not see the blessing infront of them.So I want to tell all mothers out there to cherish your children despite how they came into the world,there are women out there who are barren or having still birth after still birth and they want to share the joy of being called mommy but cannot.As a mother I know how difficult it is raising a child but because there is no manual on parenting so all I do is ask God for wisdom and guidance.I missed my daughter's growing stage as I worked far from home and I left her in the care of my mother and last year I took her to come stay with me and at times it felt like I cannot do it but in a matter of fact I am coping just fine and loving her more each and everyday.The death of my 2nd child taught me to appreciate the gift that I have,my heart still aches for my late child but God is awesome and my girl just brings a good smile on my face daily.

Angel moms who have kids to raise,see the glory of God through these kids.It is not fair to wish if they were not there and the one that went was.Whichever one God chose be thankful that there is that somebody to kiss you good night and reminds you of the joy of motherhood.

Mother's that are finding it difficult to bond with their newborn babies,please see the bigger picture.You were highly favoured by God to bring this innocent soul for you to love and care for.Please do not deprive your children of that.Remember that children come through us and not from us.

Mom whether your child has diffiencies,they are a perfect gift from God.Love them and embrace them.It takes a real woman to narture a child dispite of the physical form.Never think you are being punished for anything,rejoice for God saw you fit to raise such a special kid.Do not be hard on yourself.

Mothers-to-be who doesn't have any support system,the father neglected you,you do not have money to raise the child.Neglecting the child won't make your problems go away.God took you to this journey and surely He has the answer for all your worries,He will take care of you and your baby just please do not swear Him.The story of Mary is a perfect example I mean in raising a respectable,Godly child.Another thing if he left,it is his loss God will bless you with a real man who will be a good father to your child and He also said "I will be a Father to the Fatherless.

I am appealing to you mothers and mothers-to be to devout yourself to your children,yes we are career women and blah blah but in our busy schedules we must share our time with our kids and showing them all the love.Motherhood is sacred,stop complaining and start rejoicing....It took death to make me realise that cherishing our loved ones is important.You can have all the wealth in the world but if you do not love your child it is useless,your money cannot buy them happiness and sense of belonging.

Father's point of view

A friend sent me a poem written by a father who lost a child and it came to my heart that I must write concerning this issue.Society has made us believe that men do not cry but does that mean that they are not grieving the loss of their expectant kids?In my own observations I think they should be taken care of just like mothers.I am saying this because I often hear a lot of people asking me "How am I doing or how am I coping?" and my husband is not asked that.He also lost a child,he also lost the dreams that he had for his daughter.

I remember when I went for therapy,I wanted to go with my husband and I was told that it is not necessary cause he did not carry that child and I am more traumatise cause I had to birth a sleeping child.In a matter of fact I know that the whole thing had been hard and traumatizing for my husband cause he was in the delivering room,holding his dear wife and helping through the labour process knowing at the back of his head that it's not like 3 years back when we were birthing our first child cause our second we both knew that the minute she arrives she won't give us a cry.

Angel dads should also recieve the support that angel moms do,because of neglect they end up miserable and relationships are destroyed.Yes the man ego says do not cry but it doesn't say people shouldn't offer their support.Angel dads needs us.....

I remember how my husband shared the arrival of our daughter 3 years ago with all his family and friends and how even today he is a hands on daddy and my love I love you so much for being the best father ever.I know he also wanted to share with the whole world that he is a daddy once more cause I remember how he will brag to everyone about the pregnancy.

At first I did not understand why he had to be so strong and now I know why and even in that we have gone through this whole ordeal together and came out as victors and our love strengthened.

Feeling guilty

Hmmm I was reading another mom's birth story,the doctors told her at 26 weeks that they cannot find her baby's heart beat and confirmed over and over again.She then went to deliver at c-section and she is now proud mommy to a healthy boy.I am so happy for her,everyday I pray that no woman go through what I have been through.

Whilst reading,it just came to me that since the baby was moving even after 2 doctors couldn't find a heart beat maybe if I had done a c-section my baby could have lived.Maybe my baby died in the process of delivering.....(deep in frustration thoughts).Now I am feeling guilty that if I had listened to the first doctor maybe there was still that little chance of survival,maybe I wouldn't be writting this blog........I need to calm down

Peoples reactions "pissed"

I went to a canteen here at work today and I met a friend,we hardly see each other and first thing he asked "what did you do to the tummy?" where is the the baby."I found myself smilling as I said "my baby girl passed on." and with a concerned face he replied:"so why are you smilling about it."Little did he know that I smile to hide my pain,that's easy as it doesn't leave me emotionally drained.

I remember when I came back,I went to the cafe to buy bread and the cashier asked me where is my child and I pointed to my 2yrs old and she said I mean the one that you were recently carrying.I took a deep breathe as this lady never even once spoke to me and I replied"she passed on." and the lady continued she commented "how did you take it,if it was me I was going to cry alot."I looked at her with a smile and left.What came to my head is,does people really know when to SHUT UP?I don't even think she has kids let alone lost a child to tell me such things,is it not obvious that I cried a lot,does she really think I danced for joy.

Why are people so insensitive,one lady saw me standing at the corner with a friend and she was passing by with a car,she shouted "Hi sisi,where is your newborn since you are standing by the corner and I replied (obviously shouting)she died and I thought that was it and before she pulls of I heard,"was it a girl or a boy and I shouted in response a GIRL."She then said sorry....Wow I was left speechless,as 1.if the baby was alive obviously I wouldn't have left the house being seen at the corners 2.since I said baby died,why does the gender matters?

Hmmmmm typical people,my mom taught me never to ask a pregnant woman questions like,where is the baby?if she doen't tell you herself.One that also shocked me is this comment"it doesn't matter anymore,you'll have other kids."wow people really know how to console(sarcastic)

The Cord by unknown Author

We are connected,
My mother and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my mom to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could not create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though he is gone,
Though he's not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sure,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way.
A mother and child

12 truths of loosing a child by Elizabeth Carney

I was reading through the topics in my support group and came across this....and I thought it can help someone...
12 truths of loosing a child....taken from the article "Coping with the Emotional Aspects of Pregnancy Loss" by Elizabeth Carney

1. The truth isn't that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.

The truth is that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

2. The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.

The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

3. The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.

The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his/her instructions.

4. The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.

The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.

5. The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability.

The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.

6. The truth isn't that grief is all-consuming.

The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh. Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more bearable.

7. The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone.

The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to "butt in," or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don't need to be told, "I'm doing fine" when you're really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.

8. The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something.

The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, "Why?" Sometimes there are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.

9. The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time.

The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your baby.

10. The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.

The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.

11. The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time.

The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.

12. The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.

The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.

Please be gentle with yourself. Learning to navigate the storm can be a brutal ride but the outcome is so worth it....

Brand new day

My office phone rang and I picked it up and on the line was my best friend,a God-fearing woman and very wise.She knew I was not fine,oh she is not psychic she read the blog.To be honest she told me something I needed to hear,she is a wise woman indeed.Thank you my love,your words had put alot of things into perspective.Indeed I am not communicating with husby about my feelings as I prefer to just write them down.I have a supportive husband but lately I have been shutting him out,at times I feel like he does not understand,I had to birth our little girl and and and....To be honest he lost a daughter too and he needs me as much as I need him.Okay he is not good talking about his feelings but it does not mean he is not grieving.We sometimes open the blog and just sit and read it together,he would love to write something but he is not good at expressing himself in this way.

Last night I wrote in his diary how I felt as I couldn't say it without crying and just put it there on his pillow.He read it.Hmmm after that talk with my best friend I know things have to change and for the better.I want Tshami to look down at us and say wow I am proud of my family,they love me so much that they live in love and harmony with each other.They had took my death and made it a glue for the family not tearing apart cause I am not physically there.


She reminded me that I am still a mother to my beautiful girl and she needs me,she needs the attention that she used to get,she needs the bonding session,she reminded me that Tshami will love to see me devouting my time and energy on her sister not crying.Not forgetting that I am a wife and my husband needs me as well.Tshami would be very happy to look at her family and say I am proud to belong to such a loving and strong family.I want my baby to be proud of us when looking down from heaven and showing other angel friends that look at my family they are happy and live in harmony with each other.

After the phone call,guess who knocked on my door....Husby....oh yes my husband bringing me lunch.He said to me "I love the fact that you are writting a blog but does it help you or you are writting to help other moms".Hmmm I remembered that my best friend also asked me the very same thing and to be honest I am writting for my own benefit,this is not to gain audience,putting my feelings down help me get by everyday,when I feel drained,I just log on and read or write.He said important things to me and I love him for that.He reminded me that I am a Christian and all the flashbacks are an attack from the devil,holding on is what the devil wants me to do.I should let go and by letting go I am letting my baby rest in peace.He reminded me that I will miss my blessing cause I am hanging on to death,in a matter of fact Tshami is not dead she just went home and she has duties to fulfill there and as I carry on and cry she cannot perform her duties to the best of her ability cause I am worrying her.He also said moving on does not mean that we have to forget about her,moving on means reliving her memory with much joy and peace in our hearts.

I remember singing this song:"Through it all,through it all,I've learned to trust in Jesus,I've learned to trust in God,through it all,through it all,I've learned to depend upon His name.Indeed through it all I've learned to trust God will renew my strength and I will fly on eagles wings.I love this scripture "mourning may last for a night but joy cometh in the morning".Today I am very happy and I am blessed to have wonderful people in my life that remind me that God is here with me,by my side and as long as I continue to fix my eyes on Him,He will heal me.Actually He has already healed me and taking me to the next level.God will never give me more than I can handle.I am blessed to be an angel mom,it's because He loved us so much to have our baby born to Him.

One preacher once said"babies come through us not from us."I agree Ju we released her,we prayed for her and she arrived safely and my love thank you that she confirmed to you through a dream that she arrived well and she is very happy and we too need to be happy and stick together.You know God talks to us and because we are hung up on emotions we can't even hear.Today is a brand new day for me and all thanks to my darling husband and best friend.

I am experiencing an emotional rollercoaster,just sitting here in my office and feel I can just burst out and cry.I went to the loo and just found myself crying,I feel drained.I was reading a story of another mom who had a still born yesterday and it just took me to that day,that day that will always be a part of me,a day that it will take amnesia to erase it from my long-term memory.Carrying a stigma of loss is so painful.

I just found myself dialing husby's numbers and what I am saying does not make sense.He just keep asking the obvious and I do not know what to say to him.I know he is not psychic but atleast he should know that at times I will just burst out in tears because I am missing my precious baby.

My whole body is numb.I can't wait to knock off and go and sleep.I am drousy and my head feels lighter.At least I have 30 minutes left.Someone help me..........

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

This is your sister's favourite song,she'll sing it to you and you'll kick hard with excitement.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!

When the blazing sun is gone,
When there's nothing he shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, through the night.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!

In the dark blue sky so deep
Through my curtains often peep
For you never close your eyes
Til the morning sun does rise
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder what you are

Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder what you are

Yesterday it was 2 months since you went to heaven.I know that you are my guardian angel and my love for you grows stronger and stronger everyday,with every beat of my heart I love you my baby.I ran the idea with your dad of framing your tekkies and hanging them in your nursery and he is for it.Now I must go frame shopping,oh my word I cannot wait.Maybe in time I will give your clothes away but my best item is those cute little winnie the pooh tekkies and it will blend well with your nursery as it is winnie the pooh so my angel framing them is the best thing for me.

Yesterday was just a normal sunday for me,went to church and got revived.What will I do without God?Absolutely nothing,He carried me through the day with dry eyes and I am grateful as I want to think of my baby and rejoice that she was a perfect gift from heaven.You know there are barren women out there and I thank God that I am not one of them,I carried a life inside of me for the most amazing 8months,yes it is sad that she did not live long but comforting that my womb is blessed,there is more from where Nkazi came from,yes they won't be her but they'll also be the greatest gifts ever.

Thinking of you my angel

Precious little one by Kulani

Precious little one you lived in your world,
Where you only knew your mother's voice and touch
And you were wrapped with her warmth

For 31 weeks you explored your world,
swimming was part of your hobby
as well as playing skipping rope
At most times you'll kick as hard as a karate kid
You enjoyed your world

My precious little one
in your busy day
you heard a voice of your Maker
calling you home
and you gladly responded

As I look up to the sky and see the stars
I know you are looking down and smilling at me
You are my twinkle little star,
shinning brighter and brighter each and everyday
As energetic as you were
You even amazed the doctors
I wouldn't skip that doctor's appointment
just to see you play in the sonar
Keep up that lively spirit my precious little one

Keep smilling
keep shinning
keep living my precious little one

You will always be remembered and cherished.
Mommy adores you.

copyrights reserved

Estimated Date of Delivery

Today is or should have been your EDD,I don't know if you would have come early or after this day that's one thing I will always keep asking myself.I had registered numbers of people I wanted to share your birth with and unfortunately I did not get to that.I also wanted to put you in the medi-clinic site for babies but it won't happen.I couldn't wait to write my birth story and share with the world and now I am sharing your death.I love you my little girl and at times I have no words and no tears,I thought today was gonna be hard for me but I am rather not feeling anything.Is it normal?The only date that I count is the day you left me.I am missing you so much,each and everyday I think of you.In your memory I have decided to help pregnant women who are battling to accept their gifts,who are lonely,who have lost.You have taught me a lot in the short period of time and I thank you for coming into my life.Sleep well my angel

Blessed and Chosen One by Kulani

I am one of those blessed ones
One of those chosen ones
Chosen and blessed to be a guardian angel
Looking after all my loved ones that I didn't get to meet face to face
But I connect with them spiritually.

I know they had dreams for me
But my Father in heaven had even greater plans for me
When I arrived I was welcomed with sweet music, dancing and lots of laughter
Even though I won't get to know how my family would have welcomed me
But I am happy here in my new home,
I am living an eternal life

I know I have left lots of tears
Mommy and Daddy please do not cry
Everyday I come and give you my love and dozen of kisses
Tell my sister as well that I love her so dearly
And I am always by her side
when she's alone and longs for a friend

My Father promised me that He will turn your mourning into dancing
So take heart my dear parents you will be happy again
You will hold a newborn baby and get to dress up
I was just the blessed and chosen one of the Lord
You did not fail me,I was called home
Cause there are things I needed to do
I love you with all of my heart

Cheers!

copyright reserved

What Makes A Mother by Unknown Author

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start