The Visit

Uhmmm this last Sunday I went to your grave and all I did was just kiss it.I really don't know what to do when I visit it cause I don't believe in talking to the grave because I believe in my heart that you conquered death you are now an angel shinning down on us. Every time I visit your resting place I feel so calm and at peace knowing that my angel your soul went to heaven.When your grandmother visited us she said she heard footsteps in the passage ways and I just believe its you coming to check on us.We love you so much and misses you.I really can't wait to take your new sibling there,I know your younger brother will love it. As a family we miss you and we will always love you my sweet pea.

Engraved your name in our hearts

I will set you free by Candy Page

I will set your spirit free from the weariness of tears, From the burden of grief, From the pain of memories. I will set your spirit free from guilt and questioning, From anger and bitterness, From unending sorrow. I will set your spirit free from my empty arms, From my empty womb, From my empty life. May gratitude for sweet memories fill my broken empty heart. May your spirit rest in Heaven And may my heart rest here in peace.

End of Grief by Candy Page

I have come to the end of my grieving, But not to the end of my loss - For loss has no ending. it will always be there, Wrapped around my heart, Entwined with my love for you. Grief was a long, long journey, Heavy-laden with pain and tears. I know when it began - it began the moment you were born. At that moment grief took over my whole life. It would not leave me alone. It followed me into every corner. It allowed me no solace. Whatever I did, grief was there with me. But slowly, slowly grief diminished. Bit by bit it faded. It became just a little lost voice. The ending was almost imperceptible - One day grief was my small, pale companion, And the next day it was Gone. Loss is now my new companion, Part of my whole self. Every day I know it is there, Every day I welcome its presence. Without loss I would not have my memories, Without loss I would not have you. Loss is a precious, peaceful part of me And I would never wish it to leave.

The gap

I was asked this question "does the gap of a late child ever be filled", I say no child will ever replace another no matter what, as a mother our heart is so big to accommodate all the children you give birth to. I remember for the first few weeks of coming back with my rainbow I wouldn't sleep always checking if he was breathing, I didn't even allow him to sleep more hours because I was constantly worried if he is okay. Losing a child just creates this big hole that no one will ever fill, it just makes the mother fearful every time; honestly speaking I wish it never happened to me because even now I am too observant of everything rushing the baby to the pead when there are things I just do not get with the child.I also want to enjoy raising my children without stress. uhmmm will it ever happen *wondering*.I miss my Nkazi and I love her more everyday ;her brother is just helping me to be the best parent that I can possibly be.I enjoy spending time with my kids,and capturing every moment they just the best thing that has ever happened in my life and I make sure I tell them of their angel sister so that they grow knowing of her existence.

Pregnancy after stillbirth

Uhmmmm I wish I can write that the journey was smooth sailing but honestly speaking it was not,most of the times I felt drained and I am so sure that my ob/gynae was so tired of me and my questions cause boy oh boy I had so many questions to ask him.I could see in his face that he got bored of them. I kept a journal where I recorded my fears and honestly speaking even when I go back to the journal I don't see anywhere I recorded of my joy because I hardly had one.I was constantly worried and especially when the baby was just lazying inside I would poke him and when he didn't respond I would rush to the gynae's office. I decided that I cannot continue leaving in fear like that,I started reading more of the bible and day by day my strength got renewed.I would feel content and at ease,I decided to do midnight prayers and I knew if I skip a mere day I will be a nervous wreck the whole day. I told my gyane that I need to be induced very early but he told me that I am having a healthy pregnancy and he doesn't see the need to and I thank God for keeping me sane and interceding on my behalf when I couldn't go on.My baby arrived well and healthy it was not an easy journey but it was all worth it in the end. I will get my journal and write the scriptures that I meditated on day and night,the scriptures that saw me through and if you are a child of God you will find peace of mind.I believe that everyone must find something to occupy the mind and rid the fear cause when you fear that's when it actually happens. Wishing all angel moms,happy and healthy RAINBOWS

A poem for a grieving mother

Today I should be watching over you, but instead you are flying above, watching over me. I should be seeing you smile while you look up at me, Instead I look up to the sky and smile knowing you are at peace. I should be rocking you to sleep in my arms every night, Instead I’m sitting here rocking myself back and forth with my arms crossed. I should be comforting you and wiping away your tears as you cry, Instead I’m wiping away the river of tears that I cry, with nothing to comfort me. I should be exhausted from getting up with you every couple of hours. Instead I’m exhausted from sleepless nights because all I dream of is you. I should be fixing you bottles and feeding you baby foods, Instead I’m trying to find a reason for myself to eat and drink. I should be watching you learn to crawl across the floor. Instead I’m the one on my hands and knees begging to have you back I should be watching you grow, Instead I’m watching myself learn to let go. I should be buying you clothes and toys, Instead I buy flowers to place on your tombstone. I should be celebrating you achieving your milestones. Instead I count the months that pass since you passed. I should be listening to the sound of you breathing while you lay asleep on my chest, Instead my chest aches and it hurts to even breathe. I should be showing your pictures to all my friends and family, Instead only a select view have gotten to see you. I should be carrying you with me, everywhere I go ….. Well this is one thing that I do, for you are always in my heart.

The Cord by unknown Author

We are connected, My mother and I, By an invisible cord Not seen by the eye. It's not like the cord That connects us 'til birth This cord can't be seen By any on earth. This cord does its work Right from the start. It binds us together Attached to my heart. I know that it's there Though no one can see The invisible cord From my mom to me. The strength of this cord Man could not create It withstands the test Can hold any weight. And though he is gone, Though he's not here with me, The cord is still there But no one can see. It pulls at my heart I am bruised...I am sure, But this cord is my lifeline As never before. I am thankful that God Connects us this way. A mother and child

Being away made it hard for me to keep in touch and expressing myself because my smartphone wasn't smart enough for me.Some of us are just plain old school.Hmmm I wish to share my pregnancy journey with the whole world but kinda feel that it's inappropriate to share in this blog but sometimes feel this is the right place cause there is an angel mom out there who is expecting a rainbow and facing challenges like I did.My pregnancy was healthy and the baby as well but emotionally I was a nervous wreck and how I kept sane is the secret I would want to share with expectant angel mommies. So I will make time to come and share with you how I managed to keep it together for the whole nine months and to adjust to being a mother after a great loss.My wish really is no woman world wide will have to visit this blog because she lost a baby but hey only I can be granted this one wish and women will be happy and never feel this void that nothing can soothe.

Happy Angelversary to my nephew Tiyani

My boy you will always be in your parent's heart and today its rather a difficult time for them instead of throwing you a 1st year party they are bringing flowers at your graveside.But their love for you will always remain as much as you love them and are looking out for them everyday.You are a special baby hence you were born special(Heaven born),God had other plans with you and we will accept even though its never easy.

Sleep well Tiyani and always give mommy a kiss when her eyes are filled with tears,always remind her that you are always close to her.We all love you.I hope you are enjoying playing with your cousin Nkazi&other angels who have now bacame your family as well.Happy angelversary my boy,smile down on us everyday&i know she knows but please tell Nkazi that mommy loves her too.

mourning turned into joy

Two days after celebrating your birthday,you brought us so much joy when your baby brother was born on 12/02 bringing us nothing but light and a beautiful testimony.Today I testify of my Father so great who kept His promise to me and just like Racheal turned my mourning into joy and my sorrow into dancing.A rainbow came to brighten our lives,thank you my angel for being our guardian angel protecting us daily and for the gift.You will always remain in our hearts cause that's where I carry you no one will ever replace you in my life.

Throughout my pregnancy I have seen the hand of God yes it was not an easy road emotionally but it was worth it.I learned to let go and let God be in my life.I had a journal where I recorded my fears,kept going with scriptures hence baby boy's scripture is Psalm 91 that's where his name comes from.I wish I could share a lot about him but this blog is for his sister and not him I just felt I must post and give someone hope that God is still the same He changes not,the same God who restored all the things the devil stole from Job is still the same God today.All angel mothers who have lost hope and trust please take my testimony He did it for me He can also do it for you only if you believe.You will also leave the hospital with a baby in your arms crying.Those dreams that was once shattered can come true.

Thinking of all angel moms,remember that we will only defeat the devil by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony.Today I am a happy woman,enjoying parenting once more and the one thing I have learned from my pain is never take life for granted,appreciate all hence when people comment that it's like I am a breeding cow I don't take it as an insult anymore for only God knows the plans He has for me.I stay in the presence of God and that's where I find my refuge.

Thank you Nkazimulo for this beautiful priceless gift,we love you so much.Sleep tight my angel

Birthday Wishes from an Angel Mom

Message from Tsaki N:by today she'd have been a year old but she still in our hearts and she'll keep on growing day by day as she's growing in heaven where she's kept safe for you to meet her 1day.She was taken so unexpectedly for unknown reasons,but the reason known by God is always a good reason even when it is painful to understand and hard to accept but she's looking down and smilling at mom for bringing her into this earth and proud for having a mother like you.She is kept where there's no pain,no suffering and by the grace of God she will always be safe and smilling.Her memories will always live on and it will always be celebrated.May this day be celebrated and her soul rest in peace.we love you my angel.Annah wrote:this day a year ago our Lord chose you to be a mother to a angel baby and He alone knows the reason why,don't question His will but rather ask yourself what have I learnt from this experience.Nkazi is not gone but she is the angel that looks after you and your family everyday.She is always around you.We always wonder if they know that we love them and I believe that they do,we fear that we might forget them but they have big personalities and are too special for us to forget them,they will always be in our hearts and lives.Today we celebrate Nkazi's life and may her soul find eternal peace.

Happy Birthday my angel

A year ago,you came into our lives but you didn't stay nor greeted.You left us unexpectedly but you had a divine appointement.I remember the joy we had when we found out we were pregnant,daddy bought me a gift to express his joy,he pictured dressing you and your sister up,making up your hair and taking you guys to the mall*daddy's little girls*.Our life took a drastic turn when you went home before gazing into our eyes,we were shattered.Today you turned a year,your sister and I released a balloon in your honour and we were dissapointed that it didn't go up to the sky just as we've hoped but I believe you saw our hearts and recieved our message,pity daddy was not here but I am sure he did celebrate.We will always celebrate your birth even though unusual but you are always cherished in our hearts and thank God for you.You are our guardian angel watching over us,you wiped our tears and gave us light and a beautiful testimony.Lord thank you for fulfilling your promise in Jeremiah 31:13.Happy birthday beautiful,continue to bring glory in heaven,you are our hope and strength.We love you so much.

Wow

Time really flies when one atleast expect it.Today marks 11 months,I can't believe this wow.I am still clueless on how to celebrate your birthday.I wish I really knew how to make it special and problem is daddy won't be around but I know he keeps you so close to his heart.

The only thing that comes to mind is having your tekkies framed,which daddy has been procastinating for a while now maybe he wants to do it on your birthday,who knows.Either we love you and miss you so much.I know you were going to enjoy a summer birthday party with jumping castles the works.

Sleep well,my hope and strength

New Year

Honestly speaking I am so happy that 2011,the year that brought nothing but pain and sorrow in my life and the life of my family has passed.God is our refuge and He took us through that time and showered us with His grace.I have seen His Mighty hand in our sorrow,He brought about His peace that surpassed all human understanding.Reflecting I thought I wouldn't survive,I just saw the death of my baby consuming me as well,I was emotionally dead but the Lord breathed life into my dry bones and I started living again.Nkazimulo you'll always be my hope and my strength,even today I don't know why you but I am greatful that you came to my life and brought light.I know you are our guardian angel and nothing but only goodness and mercy will follow us as a family.

Christmas day was lovely,you were there with us.I had your picture under the Christmas tree and it looked so beautiful as we had the lights on.(Smilling)funny your sister will light the tree even during the day.I know you were right there with us as we celebrate the birth of our Saviour,Christ Jesus,I know you were sending a rainbow that will wipe our tears and bring light and a testimony.Jesus came so that we might have life and have it in adundance,I am confident that His birth saved mommy from future loss and pain,I will only rejoice.

Hmmm your birthday is soon approaching,good thing I will be at your home so will go to your graveside.I am undecided on how to celebrate it,cakes the works or balloon releasing ceremony only.Hmmm,please indicate how you want me to celebrate your birthday.