When I have picked up the pieces and moving past all anger and hate,the harsh realities comes back not as a flashback but as reality.I really never blamed anyone for your death and now my heart is blaming people which I know it's wrong but from saturday all I do all day long is to blame people and it is making me uneasy.I honestly expected your dad to understand where I am coming from but no he just act ignorantly to my feeling.

Maybe I am consoling myself but I think that a breakdown once in a while it's fine,I lost you,my child,my dream,my future.I have alot going on in this mind of mine that I cannot bring myself to write it down but I am praying about it.I have been doing so well and really don't need this melt down.

I just have so much mixed feeling right now when it comes to your dad cause he is not soothing my heart but think I am sick and insensitive.I don't want anyone to understand but we are in the same boat and yes he needs to be strong for us but he is creating doubts in my mind.Okay let me ink off cause I am confussed and way too emotional,I am not even sure what I am blogging right now.But I will pray hard about this.

I love my beautiful angel

Anyone reading this post please tell me what will you make of this story,I think sometimes I am paranoid and my mind tells me things.A friend of mine was sharing with me a story of her friend who gave birth 3 months ago,she shared this story with emphasis that's what made me scrutinise every detail.Apparently this friend gave birth via C-Section to a baby that was without breath nor heart beat,the nurses were preparing to take the baby to the mogue when the gynae advised the mom and her mom who was in the delivery room to pray earnestly,after 30 minutes of prayer the child came back to life.I was so happy to hear that the child is alive and healthy and just couldn't held back my joy even if I wanted to but what ticked me off is the repetation of this story.

Which made me to really sit down and ask myself what exactly was my friend communicating to me,is she trying to say that I should have prayed even harder for my child maybe I will also be bearing this testimony?Or is she saying that I took the child to the mogue quickly.All sorts of questions which I am not getting an answer to is running in my head.I spent an hour with my daughter praying for her and pastor interceding on our behalf,but God's will was done at the end of the day.Deep down in my heart I could have even sacrificed my life if asked just for my baby to be alive.I wanted that child alive just like every mother.Maybe I am misinterpriting her emphasis,maybe I am too sensitive at times but from where I see this there is more to her emphasis than what I think.Either way I have come to know that only God is the giver of life,no one else,children only comes through us not from us.

Either way I have decided not to retaliate when she tells me this story again and again I will try to keep my cool.

Nkazimulo my baby,only if I had powers you will be here with mommy.We all miss you so much.We love you my princess

Reality

Let's be honest, whether you lost one child or more, there is no way of getting use to the pain and you often hear people saying "I applaude you of your strength." If you are in Christ you will understand that it is the character of Christ in you that helps you bear so much pain and hide it in the face of the people. One worst thing I have heard is "why is she still crying, isn't she now used to the pain cause this is the 3rd time she miscarried."

Today I want to talk about such harsh comments, and believe me you I am not angry I just don't understand how can a normal human being say that. One angel mom said to my cousin when she tried to offer her support,"it's better cause I didn't yet buy anything for the baby." Really now, how is clothes significant to the pain of losing a child, is it the amount of clothes that says you love this child and wanted him\her? or is it the heart? The minute I fall pregnant I become so excited and I believe for most if not all woman, it's not the amount of clothes but the feelings involved the minute you hear there is a child on the way.

As women, we need to pick each other up and dust off. Some mothers ever since they became angel moms hardly have friends because people find you boring to be always talking about your angel and you don't know many angel moms that you can run too. It is true that you are expected to forget about it and move on but I say you don't have. I talk about my baby girl as though alive even though without pain but with smiles,like I said in my last post this was my decision to let go of my pain and honestly speaking I don't expect everyone to be like me cause we are all unique and deal with issues differently and I am here for any angel mom that needs me.I am not a psychologists but just a friend with willingness to offer my ear. My e-mail address is kulimas@webmail.co.za.