Your Sister's birthday

Today it is your sister's birthday and she is turning 3 years.She has grown so much even though she is so lonely.She asked that we buy her a pink bicycle and will be granting her wish before end of this year.

I so wish you were here to just show her a smile as we celebrate her birthday but I know you are shinning down on her and sending her lots of lovies and kisses.

We all miss you so much.

The Image of a child by Chuck Hockema

Long before the world began,
All of God's children knew of His plan.
A plan to come to eart to live,
To learn,to love,to share,to give.

Mothers were chosen,each child to conceive;
Each child would be given a chance to achieve;
That portion of life no matter how brief;
To be a real person,to prove this belief.

To prove that all people born to this earth;
Are children of God,each life of great worth.
Some would be fathers,some would be mothers;
Still others are born to be sisters or brothers.

Sometimes a life ends before it's begun;
Dreams are broken of that daughter or son.
The name had been picked for a girl or a boy,
Even bought diapers,furniture and toys.

And now all that's left is the hurt and the pain.
Good people try to help,then try to explain.
Some say it just wasn't meant to be,
Some say,"Wait awhile,you'll forget,you'll see".

But deep in the heart of the father and mother,
Is the image of a child unlike any other.
The image of that child that lives on in their hearts.
The need is real,their love to impart.

To impart to that child,
Their love and their giving.
The image of that child
In their hearts will be living.

Graveyard

Finally after four months I get to go back and visit your grave and to my surprise I felt so much joy within me.All the nightmares I had with your grave were not even close to be true and I think that's what gave me peace.For you to be buried so very far from me that I cannot come put flowers everytime I think of you doesn't make me happy but hey I found your grave the way I left it.

I just sat there and the joy that flooded my heart was too great.My angel thank you for sending peace my way,there were times I thought my life was over but you helped me overcome your death by bringing positive outlook in my life.You constantly reminded me of your sister,who has been great and she misses you,hoping that you will send her a living sibling to complete her joy as much as it will complete us as well.

Mommy will always love you my sweet angel.
Goodnight

Honouring my husband

This post is dedicated to my husband,father of my two girls.When I think of him this expression comes to mind "every man can be a daddy but it takes a real man to be father."I am proud to say I have found a father for my kids,he shares the journey from pregnancy throughout.A man who loves bottle feeding,rocking to changing diapers,I am talking about a hands-on-father.With us africans we tend to think that a man is bewitched when he is hands-on their children and wonder why children bond so much with their mothers.My daughter is so fond of her father because of the amount of love he has and shows her.

My darling husband,thank you for your loving-kindness,for the support you give me and for being a good father that you are.I dedicate this video,created by Courtney especially for you.
http://animoto.com/play/N9fSuxTLASmdKGEFQWsVqw

Bright Shooting Star

As I looked at the sky;
I saw a bright beautiful shooting star;
and as it shot so fast yet brightly;
It brought a smile on my face;
For I knew you were watching over me.

As it moved it reminded me
that you are dancing for joy;
and you are at peace.

That bright shooting star;
reminded me of how perfect you are;
how beautiful you are;
how your name suits you;
that bright shooting star was you;
shooting to remind me that you are with me;
all my life.

Bright star sleep well.Mommy loves you

I am lighting a candle

Today I am lighting a candle in your honour;
honouring the life that you lived short and brief;
honouring the joy I had carrying you.

Today I am lighting a candle in your memory;
thinking of the life that was waiting for you;
thinking of all the goodies waiting for you.

Today I am lighting a candle in remembrance of the energy you had;
remembering the wave gave us on the ultra sound;
remembering the sensentional kicks you gave me;
remembering seeing you without a heartbeat;
remembering seeing you peacefully sleeping.

Today I am lighting a candle to mark 4 months since your soul left your beautiful body;
since you went straight to heaven.
I am missing you and will always adore you.

Just feel like screaming today

LORD PLEASE BRING BACK MY BABY,I AM LONGING FOR HER.NKAZIMULO MY ANGEL MOMMY IS THINKING ALOT ABOUT YOU,SOME DAYS ARE JUST HARDER THAN OTHER AND TODAY IS JUST ONE OF THOSE.I JUST CANNOT WAIT TO KNOCK OFF JUST TO SEE YOUR SISTER SMILE,I KNOW SHE WILL TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY WITH HER BEAUTIFUL SMILE.I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY BUT AT TIMES IT IS HARD CAUSE YOU ARE NOT HERE TO FILL THAT MISSING GAP IN MY SOUL.I WISH I CAN JUST HOLD YOU,I WISH I CAN JUST KISS YOU,I AM WISHING FOR SO MANY THINGS RIGHT NOW....

OH MY BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL,I AM MISSING YOU A LOT.

Am I really obsessed?

Okay yesterday a very good friend of mine,outlines that I am obsessed.She said she has observed me more often and thinks she must just say it aloud THAT IAM NOW OBSESSED.Obsessed about babies,pregnant women etc.And to be honest other babies do not fascinate me;same thing goes to preggie bellies.I held a 2 months old baby for the first time,last sunday in church and I was battling with my emotions if I should and I told myself that I need to overcome my fear and even though my eyes were teary;I managed to take out my best smile as I held that sweet baby,he was sleeping.

Going back to the topic at hand,I then asked my friend "why do you say that."And her response was I am always occupied by forum chats and I become so excited when someone gets a baby or is pregnant.Okay I admit I am guilty as charged as I love my Moomie Forum and Daily strength forum and yes I will go to the pregnancy side on moomie till all my preggie friends delivered healthy babies but as for the Daily strength I joined in the stillbirth group and I become excited when an angel mommy falls pregnant.I am just a chat addict that's why I cancelled my facebook :-)

Please help me,am I fooling myself?Am I actually obsessed?Husby once said that and I just do not get it.Yes I will love to have other children but that does not make me obessed?I so wished I was already pregnant but that's God's call to make not mine and that's the reason I won't torture myself and husby about trying again even though we won't prevent it ;-).

To be honest,I feel nothing for pregnant women other than pray for them;I would hate to meet someone to tell me that she lost her child.Again I say,"I will never wish a stillbirth even to my worst enemy(if I do have such)."When I see newborns I just share joy because the baby is alive and healthy.So correct me if I am wrong,am I obessed or not?

Wouldn't it be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I would take out your photo album;
and see you?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I would close my eyes;
and see clips of your smile?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I would play that video clip
just to hear your voice?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I will go to your nursery;
and reminisce on the times spent there?

It would be nice my angel;
only if I was given the chance to have a memory of you
but hey no memories to reminisce whatesoever.
Good night my beautiful baby girl,mommy misses you.

Doctor's visit

Last week monday I felt these sharp pains on my abdomen and I ask myself what would this be.So Tuesday morning I go to the work clinic where the nurse says it's ovulation pains,then I start googling(yes I soooo love google)then I read and my mind is put at ease,yet there is one thing that is not adding up cause the ovulation calculator says I have already ovulated.Hmmm,then I decided to go visit the gynae no it's not the same gynae that I have been avoiding,atleast is a new one,who knows nothing about me.

I didn't have an appointment cause it was a spare of the moment kind of thing,then I waited a while before I went in.I get there tell him my story then he says climb the bed for me(mind you it is the first time going to the ultrasound after Nkazi's death),I froze a bit when he was busy checking me and walla everything is fine no problems maybe a slight infection which can be caused by anything.

Wow,I just couldn't believe that I will really look at the ultrasound without sharing any tears or being fearful and it confirmed to me that not only physically have I healed but emotionally too and I was glad that I went there.I am making progress.Hurray!!!!!