Mothers and Mothers-to-be

As I closed my eyes last night,it came to my heart that there are mothers who do not see the blessing infront of them.So I want to tell all mothers out there to cherish your children despite how they came into the world,there are women out there who are barren or having still birth after still birth and they want to share the joy of being called mommy but cannot.As a mother I know how difficult it is raising a child but because there is no manual on parenting so all I do is ask God for wisdom and guidance.I missed my daughter's growing stage as I worked far from home and I left her in the care of my mother and last year I took her to come stay with me and at times it felt like I cannot do it but in a matter of fact I am coping just fine and loving her more each and everyday.The death of my 2nd child taught me to appreciate the gift that I have,my heart still aches for my late child but God is awesome and my girl just brings a good smile on my face daily.

Angel moms who have kids to raise,see the glory of God through these kids.It is not fair to wish if they were not there and the one that went was.Whichever one God chose be thankful that there is that somebody to kiss you good night and reminds you of the joy of motherhood.

Mother's that are finding it difficult to bond with their newborn babies,please see the bigger picture.You were highly favoured by God to bring this innocent soul for you to love and care for.Please do not deprive your children of that.Remember that children come through us and not from us.

Mom whether your child has diffiencies,they are a perfect gift from God.Love them and embrace them.It takes a real woman to narture a child dispite of the physical form.Never think you are being punished for anything,rejoice for God saw you fit to raise such a special kid.Do not be hard on yourself.

Mothers-to-be who doesn't have any support system,the father neglected you,you do not have money to raise the child.Neglecting the child won't make your problems go away.God took you to this journey and surely He has the answer for all your worries,He will take care of you and your baby just please do not swear Him.The story of Mary is a perfect example I mean in raising a respectable,Godly child.Another thing if he left,it is his loss God will bless you with a real man who will be a good father to your child and He also said "I will be a Father to the Fatherless.

I am appealing to you mothers and mothers-to be to devout yourself to your children,yes we are career women and blah blah but in our busy schedules we must share our time with our kids and showing them all the love.Motherhood is sacred,stop complaining and start rejoicing....It took death to make me realise that cherishing our loved ones is important.You can have all the wealth in the world but if you do not love your child it is useless,your money cannot buy them happiness and sense of belonging.

Father's point of view

A friend sent me a poem written by a father who lost a child and it came to my heart that I must write concerning this issue.Society has made us believe that men do not cry but does that mean that they are not grieving the loss of their expectant kids?In my own observations I think they should be taken care of just like mothers.I am saying this because I often hear a lot of people asking me "How am I doing or how am I coping?" and my husband is not asked that.He also lost a child,he also lost the dreams that he had for his daughter.

I remember when I went for therapy,I wanted to go with my husband and I was told that it is not necessary cause he did not carry that child and I am more traumatise cause I had to birth a sleeping child.In a matter of fact I know that the whole thing had been hard and traumatizing for my husband cause he was in the delivering room,holding his dear wife and helping through the labour process knowing at the back of his head that it's not like 3 years back when we were birthing our first child cause our second we both knew that the minute she arrives she won't give us a cry.

Angel dads should also recieve the support that angel moms do,because of neglect they end up miserable and relationships are destroyed.Yes the man ego says do not cry but it doesn't say people shouldn't offer their support.Angel dads needs us.....

I remember how my husband shared the arrival of our daughter 3 years ago with all his family and friends and how even today he is a hands on daddy and my love I love you so much for being the best father ever.I know he also wanted to share with the whole world that he is a daddy once more cause I remember how he will brag to everyone about the pregnancy.

At first I did not understand why he had to be so strong and now I know why and even in that we have gone through this whole ordeal together and came out as victors and our love strengthened.

Feeling guilty

Hmmm I was reading another mom's birth story,the doctors told her at 26 weeks that they cannot find her baby's heart beat and confirmed over and over again.She then went to deliver at c-section and she is now proud mommy to a healthy boy.I am so happy for her,everyday I pray that no woman go through what I have been through.

Whilst reading,it just came to me that since the baby was moving even after 2 doctors couldn't find a heart beat maybe if I had done a c-section my baby could have lived.Maybe my baby died in the process of delivering.....(deep in frustration thoughts).Now I am feeling guilty that if I had listened to the first doctor maybe there was still that little chance of survival,maybe I wouldn't be writting this blog........I need to calm down

Peoples reactions "pissed"

I went to a canteen here at work today and I met a friend,we hardly see each other and first thing he asked "what did you do to the tummy?" where is the the baby."I found myself smilling as I said "my baby girl passed on." and with a concerned face he replied:"so why are you smilling about it."Little did he know that I smile to hide my pain,that's easy as it doesn't leave me emotionally drained.

I remember when I came back,I went to the cafe to buy bread and the cashier asked me where is my child and I pointed to my 2yrs old and she said I mean the one that you were recently carrying.I took a deep breathe as this lady never even once spoke to me and I replied"she passed on." and the lady continued she commented "how did you take it,if it was me I was going to cry alot."I looked at her with a smile and left.What came to my head is,does people really know when to SHUT UP?I don't even think she has kids let alone lost a child to tell me such things,is it not obvious that I cried a lot,does she really think I danced for joy.

Why are people so insensitive,one lady saw me standing at the corner with a friend and she was passing by with a car,she shouted "Hi sisi,where is your newborn since you are standing by the corner and I replied (obviously shouting)she died and I thought that was it and before she pulls of I heard,"was it a girl or a boy and I shouted in response a GIRL."She then said sorry....Wow I was left speechless,as 1.if the baby was alive obviously I wouldn't have left the house being seen at the corners 2.since I said baby died,why does the gender matters?

Hmmmmm typical people,my mom taught me never to ask a pregnant woman questions like,where is the baby?if she doen't tell you herself.One that also shocked me is this comment"it doesn't matter anymore,you'll have other kids."wow people really know how to console(sarcastic)

The Cord by unknown Author

We are connected,
My mother and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my mom to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could not create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though he is gone,
Though he's not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sure,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way.
A mother and child

12 truths of loosing a child by Elizabeth Carney

I was reading through the topics in my support group and came across this....and I thought it can help someone...
12 truths of loosing a child....taken from the article "Coping with the Emotional Aspects of Pregnancy Loss" by Elizabeth Carney

1. The truth isn't that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.

The truth is that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

2. The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.

The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

3. The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.

The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his/her instructions.

4. The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.

The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.

5. The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability.

The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.

6. The truth isn't that grief is all-consuming.

The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh. Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more bearable.

7. The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone.

The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to "butt in," or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don't need to be told, "I'm doing fine" when you're really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.

8. The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something.

The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, "Why?" Sometimes there are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.

9. The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time.

The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your baby.

10. The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.

The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.

11. The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time.

The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.

12. The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.

The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.

Please be gentle with yourself. Learning to navigate the storm can be a brutal ride but the outcome is so worth it....

Brand new day

My office phone rang and I picked it up and on the line was my best friend,a God-fearing woman and very wise.She knew I was not fine,oh she is not psychic she read the blog.To be honest she told me something I needed to hear,she is a wise woman indeed.Thank you my love,your words had put alot of things into perspective.Indeed I am not communicating with husby about my feelings as I prefer to just write them down.I have a supportive husband but lately I have been shutting him out,at times I feel like he does not understand,I had to birth our little girl and and and....To be honest he lost a daughter too and he needs me as much as I need him.Okay he is not good talking about his feelings but it does not mean he is not grieving.We sometimes open the blog and just sit and read it together,he would love to write something but he is not good at expressing himself in this way.

Last night I wrote in his diary how I felt as I couldn't say it without crying and just put it there on his pillow.He read it.Hmmm after that talk with my best friend I know things have to change and for the better.I want Tshami to look down at us and say wow I am proud of my family,they love me so much that they live in love and harmony with each other.They had took my death and made it a glue for the family not tearing apart cause I am not physically there.


She reminded me that I am still a mother to my beautiful girl and she needs me,she needs the attention that she used to get,she needs the bonding session,she reminded me that Tshami will love to see me devouting my time and energy on her sister not crying.Not forgetting that I am a wife and my husband needs me as well.Tshami would be very happy to look at her family and say I am proud to belong to such a loving and strong family.I want my baby to be proud of us when looking down from heaven and showing other angel friends that look at my family they are happy and live in harmony with each other.

After the phone call,guess who knocked on my door....Husby....oh yes my husband bringing me lunch.He said to me "I love the fact that you are writting a blog but does it help you or you are writting to help other moms".Hmmm I remembered that my best friend also asked me the very same thing and to be honest I am writting for my own benefit,this is not to gain audience,putting my feelings down help me get by everyday,when I feel drained,I just log on and read or write.He said important things to me and I love him for that.He reminded me that I am a Christian and all the flashbacks are an attack from the devil,holding on is what the devil wants me to do.I should let go and by letting go I am letting my baby rest in peace.He reminded me that I will miss my blessing cause I am hanging on to death,in a matter of fact Tshami is not dead she just went home and she has duties to fulfill there and as I carry on and cry she cannot perform her duties to the best of her ability cause I am worrying her.He also said moving on does not mean that we have to forget about her,moving on means reliving her memory with much joy and peace in our hearts.

I remember singing this song:"Through it all,through it all,I've learned to trust in Jesus,I've learned to trust in God,through it all,through it all,I've learned to depend upon His name.Indeed through it all I've learned to trust God will renew my strength and I will fly on eagles wings.I love this scripture "mourning may last for a night but joy cometh in the morning".Today I am very happy and I am blessed to have wonderful people in my life that remind me that God is here with me,by my side and as long as I continue to fix my eyes on Him,He will heal me.Actually He has already healed me and taking me to the next level.God will never give me more than I can handle.I am blessed to be an angel mom,it's because He loved us so much to have our baby born to Him.

One preacher once said"babies come through us not from us."I agree Ju we released her,we prayed for her and she arrived safely and my love thank you that she confirmed to you through a dream that she arrived well and she is very happy and we too need to be happy and stick together.You know God talks to us and because we are hung up on emotions we can't even hear.Today is a brand new day for me and all thanks to my darling husband and best friend.

I am experiencing an emotional rollercoaster,just sitting here in my office and feel I can just burst out and cry.I went to the loo and just found myself crying,I feel drained.I was reading a story of another mom who had a still born yesterday and it just took me to that day,that day that will always be a part of me,a day that it will take amnesia to erase it from my long-term memory.Carrying a stigma of loss is so painful.

I just found myself dialing husby's numbers and what I am saying does not make sense.He just keep asking the obvious and I do not know what to say to him.I know he is not psychic but atleast he should know that at times I will just burst out in tears because I am missing my precious baby.

My whole body is numb.I can't wait to knock off and go and sleep.I am drousy and my head feels lighter.At least I have 30 minutes left.Someone help me..........

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

This is your sister's favourite song,she'll sing it to you and you'll kick hard with excitement.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!

When the blazing sun is gone,
When there's nothing he shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, through the night.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!

In the dark blue sky so deep
Through my curtains often peep
For you never close your eyes
Til the morning sun does rise
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder what you are

Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder what you are

Yesterday it was 2 months since you went to heaven.I know that you are my guardian angel and my love for you grows stronger and stronger everyday,with every beat of my heart I love you my baby.I ran the idea with your dad of framing your tekkies and hanging them in your nursery and he is for it.Now I must go frame shopping,oh my word I cannot wait.Maybe in time I will give your clothes away but my best item is those cute little winnie the pooh tekkies and it will blend well with your nursery as it is winnie the pooh so my angel framing them is the best thing for me.

Yesterday was just a normal sunday for me,went to church and got revived.What will I do without God?Absolutely nothing,He carried me through the day with dry eyes and I am grateful as I want to think of my baby and rejoice that she was a perfect gift from heaven.You know there are barren women out there and I thank God that I am not one of them,I carried a life inside of me for the most amazing 8months,yes it is sad that she did not live long but comforting that my womb is blessed,there is more from where Nkazi came from,yes they won't be her but they'll also be the greatest gifts ever.

Thinking of you my angel

Precious little one by Kulani

Precious little one you lived in your world,
Where you only knew your mother's voice and touch
And you were wrapped with her warmth

For 31 weeks you explored your world,
swimming was part of your hobby
as well as playing skipping rope
At most times you'll kick as hard as a karate kid
You enjoyed your world

My precious little one
in your busy day
you heard a voice of your Maker
calling you home
and you gladly responded

As I look up to the sky and see the stars
I know you are looking down and smilling at me
You are my twinkle little star,
shinning brighter and brighter each and everyday
As energetic as you were
You even amazed the doctors
I wouldn't skip that doctor's appointment
just to see you play in the sonar
Keep up that lively spirit my precious little one

Keep smilling
keep shinning
keep living my precious little one

You will always be remembered and cherished.
Mommy adores you.

copyrights reserved

Estimated Date of Delivery

Today is or should have been your EDD,I don't know if you would have come early or after this day that's one thing I will always keep asking myself.I had registered numbers of people I wanted to share your birth with and unfortunately I did not get to that.I also wanted to put you in the medi-clinic site for babies but it won't happen.I couldn't wait to write my birth story and share with the world and now I am sharing your death.I love you my little girl and at times I have no words and no tears,I thought today was gonna be hard for me but I am rather not feeling anything.Is it normal?The only date that I count is the day you left me.I am missing you so much,each and everyday I think of you.In your memory I have decided to help pregnant women who are battling to accept their gifts,who are lonely,who have lost.You have taught me a lot in the short period of time and I thank you for coming into my life.Sleep well my angel

Blessed and Chosen One by Kulani

I am one of those blessed ones
One of those chosen ones
Chosen and blessed to be a guardian angel
Looking after all my loved ones that I didn't get to meet face to face
But I connect with them spiritually.

I know they had dreams for me
But my Father in heaven had even greater plans for me
When I arrived I was welcomed with sweet music, dancing and lots of laughter
Even though I won't get to know how my family would have welcomed me
But I am happy here in my new home,
I am living an eternal life

I know I have left lots of tears
Mommy and Daddy please do not cry
Everyday I come and give you my love and dozen of kisses
Tell my sister as well that I love her so dearly
And I am always by her side
when she's alone and longs for a friend

My Father promised me that He will turn your mourning into dancing
So take heart my dear parents you will be happy again
You will hold a newborn baby and get to dress up
I was just the blessed and chosen one of the Lord
You did not fail me,I was called home
Cause there are things I needed to do
I love you with all of my heart

Cheers!

copyright reserved

What Makes A Mother by Unknown Author

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Missing you Lyrics

I have put this song as my ringtone and everytime my phone rings I think of you my precious angel.These words has become my comfort

1-Though I'm missing you

(Although I'm missing you)

I'll find a way to get through

(I'll find a way to get through)

Living without you

'Cause you were my sister, my strength, and my pride

Only God may know why, still I will get by

who would'v known, that youd half to go

so suddenly, so fast

How could it be, but a sweet memory would be all
All that we have left

Now that you're gone, every day I go on (I go on)

But life's just not the same (life's just not the same)

I'm so empty inside, and my tears I can't hide

But I'll try, I'll try to face the pain

(repeat 1)

Oh, there was so many things

That we could have shared, uh-huh

And time was on our side (time was on our side)

Ooh, yeah

Now that you're gone, I can still feel you near

So I'll smile, with every tear I cry

(rpt 1)

How sweet, were the losses to spare?

But I'll wait for the day

When I'll see you again, see you again, yeah

(rpt 1)

I'm missing you

Last night my friend gave birth to a healthy bouncing baby,our due dates were so close together and I can say she was my preggie partner and we knew that our babies will be friends since they are all girls.I am so happy for her,she deserve all the happiness the little girl has brought with but my tears just kept rolling thinking of Nkazi and that she will never get to meet her best friend.I just sat in the lounge and cried till I went to get her tekkies and scan pic and I just couldn't believe how much I miss her and yearn for her.Will it always be like that?Will this baby always remind me of what I could have had also?I don't want to be like that.....What must I do(thinking)....Husby just couldn't understand;why all of a sudden I just broke down.Nothing seemed to help last night,I just cried myself to sleep after reading husby my favourite poem that I wrote to Nkazi,titled "Peacefully"

All I said to him is even after 20 years I will still cry for my baby,nothing will ever take away those feelings of lost.At times I really don't believe that it actually happened.Mommy is thinking of you my angel and thank you for whispering into my ear last night,I know you were there with a box of tissues.I love you my girl

One step forward

Oh my word I don't believe that yesterday husby actually opened up and we had a conversation about Tshami.Things are looking up indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel.The way he was so anti-this-topic I thought he was one day gonna crash& break down.It is indeed a step forward that we talked about her,about the cause of her death and what precautions we can take next time,things that drs do not tell you about.Yesterday I spent the whole day researching on google and what I found out was heart soothing(in a sense that I know next time it could be prevented and it is good as a patient to know and tell the drs what they can do to help you) but heart breaking as well.I never thought I can have a high risk pregnancy but after this thats what I have become but either way it is good to be monitored than for a person to just take my money without doing a proper job(that's how I feel).

Since my daughter loves talking about her little sister,I have decided that I won't be harsh and show no interest to her but rather I will support her so from sunday we have developed this habit of saying goodnight and sending our love to Tshami before we sleep and I can see from her face that it lights up everytime we send our love and kisses to her little sister and I think in that way she grow up having a better understanding that even when we don't see our loved ones we carry them in our hearts forever.

So we all have taken that one step forward to our healing process and it helps alot and revives.The first few weeks I hated a person who will say,time heals and today I see that indeed it heals.Some may say it is too early to say that but I say it is way overdue,I do not need to stay in sorrow for long the bible says joy cometh in the morning.This is the week for her estimated date of delivery I just don't know how it will be as the week progress but I am trusting in God to see me through

The blaming game

As we all know that when something goes wrong,people need to point a finger on someone to make it better.Okay if we were to play the blaming game,this was gone be like......

We blame our GP for not reffering us to the gynae the minute he saw that baby could be in danger.(Okay since it eases does it bring Tshami back,my answer is NO so in a matter of fact the GP had nothing to do with this as he had successfully cared for more pregnant women and it happened that 1% in 99% ended up fatally).

Mommy can say I told you not to visit the GP and if only you had listened nothing like this could have happened.Young people do not listen to older people(Okay same answer as to the dr)

Husby,baby I told you to take an early maternity leave.(Okay since I was 31 weeks and not yet 36 weeks if I take the leave what will I sit and do at home and besides I do office work with less harm to me nor the baby)

Chat forums and FB,you hardly know who you chat with and in most cases satanists enjoy this chats and knows all your plans and aim to destroy.(Only God can protect us cause nowadays we are leaving in a world full of haters and satanists who just want to break the children of God.Those who know me knows that I speak freely of my religion,I am a born again Christian and my Jesus was crucified with no sin,He suffered and the suffering did not end cause if you follow Jesus you will be crucified,if you do not know where you are with the Lord,satan does not care about you but when you accept Jesus and follow Him he(satan) will attack in different directions.It is to test your faith,don't get confused God doesn't test or tempt us NEVER always remember that the fire is not meant to burn you but to keep you in God.I disconnected my FB account cause spiritually I felt the need to do so.

Kuli(me) ,If I had started with the gynae,things like this could have been prevented,if I had prayed more God could have saved her,if husby will do all the cleaning and the cooking in the house I could have relaxed even more and if I had used the heart monitor I could have detected this(Answer:same as the drs,when we pray we say let thy will be done so His protection was indeed upon me cause it could have been worse,how many women die with their babies but He gave me a chance to have other children,really now husby did all he can possibly do to support me but since I am more of DIY I would shift things around and not even bother asking him,I will ask him only if it suited me so why blame him,what could the heart monitor possibly have done cause I was only going to pick up that the heart has stopped and what then?)I have realised that some women drink and smoke yet their pregnancies are successful and some can say it is not fair but I say "if you do not want it to happen to you,why do you want it to happen to someone else"Spiritually speaking,if it happens to an unbeliever do you possibly think she will draw closer or apart from God?Think about it

Witchcraft,this is one of african's favourite,it is alive and we experience it everyday so basically this is satan.Okay what I have learned in the book of Job is when satan asked God if he(satan)can test Job's faithfulness God said okay you can but on Job do not touch a soul.This statement takes me to His will was done so basically is this; each and every person has their own destiny and that was Tshami's and the Lord is good and His faithfulness endures forever.Satan took all that belonged to Job and his children included and we see that God restores everything back.Truly speaking this has brought me even closer to God,He is my refuge and strong tower.Wa ndzi hlulela(He conquers for me).In my darkest hour,He is my light.

Conclusion so the blaming game doesn't work,what works is prayer that may the God of peace grants us peace and strength to carry on cause He who has begun a good work in us will carry it to completion till the day of Christ.So instead of being bitter and wanting answers the best way is to pray back and not payback.The battle is not ours but of the Lord so I have decided to leave all at the His feet(throne of mercy and grace).

I love you Tshami my angel and your death had drawn me even closer to my Father.I know you are happy at your new home.Your sister and I were sending you our love last night,I hope you had us and saw you giving you a kiss.Your sister always talks about you and takes out a plate(winnie the pooh) for you when I dish up for her,she misses you so much the little sister that she had but never really got to know nor play with but her love for you will always be in her heart.We love you

ELEGY FOR A STILL-BORN CHILD by Seamus Heaney

Your mother walks light as an empty creel
Unlearning the intimate nudge and pull

Your trussed-up weight of seed-flesh andbone-curd
Had insisted on. That evicted world

Contracts round its history, its scar.
Doomsday struck when your collapsedsphere

Extinguished itself in our atmosphere,
Your mother heavy with the lightness in her.

For 8 months you stayed cartographer
Charting my friend from husband towardsfather.

He guessed a globe behind your steadymound.
Then the pole fell, shooting star, into theground.

On lonely journeys I think of it all,
Birth of death, exhumation for burial;

A wreath of small clothes, a memorialpram
And parents reaching for a phantom limb.

I drive by remote control on this bare road
Under a drizzling sky, a circling rock.

Past mountain fields full to the brim withcloud.
White waves riding home on a wintry lough.

For A Child Born Dead by Elizabeth Jennings

What ceremony can we fit
You into now? If you had come
Out of this warm and noisy room
To this, there'd be an opposite
For us to know you by. We could
Imagine you in lively mood.

And then look at the other side,
The mood drawn out of you, the breath
Defeated by the power of death.
But we have never seen you stride
Ambitiously the world we know.
You could not come and yet you go.

But there is nothing now to mar.
Your clear refusal of our world.
Not in our memories can we mould
You or distort your character.
Then all our consolation is
That grief can be as pure as this.

Mother's Intuition

When something is about to happen you know it but you just don't understand it untill it happens.Today I want to unfold the feelings I had even though I had a problem free pregnancy,warning signs were there but I was too blind to see.Just after my birthday(25\01)I had gastro acid which I went to my GP on 27/01.He gave me medication,which I started right away but when we were there I realised that my baby was measuring 2 weeks behind but the heart rate was very strong,I immediately brought into his attention and he said I must not worry about it as sometimes baby's growth slowers.I prayed during my midnight slot and like he said I just didn't worry much.He said he will call my gynae and check my test results and I should come back after two weeks(10/02/11).He phoned and told me that my results are normal and I have nothing to worry about.But since I started taking the medication I realised that my baby's movements have lowered and I asked fellow mommies who told me that late in pregnancy baby kicks become minimum.Okay since with my first baby I didn't have problems I just took like that.The monday (7/02)I felt like my belly is sinking in my tummy,it felt like baby pulling the cord and my mind was put to rest when I was told that baby is just facing a different direction.I remember when one Christian Brother told me that his pastor's wife lost the baby,stillborn I was worried and just had this an easy feeling,thinking to myself if it happened to mighty warriors of God it can also happen to me but my friend El said I shouldn't dwell in negativity which she was right.Wednesday night I had a sharp pain on my abnormal and was nauseous then I went early to bed but didn't get my heart monitor(I hardly used it with Nkazi as I thought I bought it with my 1st daughter and was always paranoid and would check the heart beat and she was born healthy so why bother)that same night I dreamt of my late cousin Kippie(we were happy and sharing jokes at my late granny's house),nothing much.Little did I know she came to fetch my daughter and to tell me that they are happy.

As a prayer warrior,February I just didn't pray much only before going to bed and midnight I will just wake up and go to the toilet and say to myself no I just want to sleep I'll see when I will pray but funny enough God took me to the book of Job and wednesday night I was in Chapter 8 and was not understanding,untill I prayed and my prayer was"Lord I don't know why you took me to this book cause I do not understand it but I pray may you give me your wisdom to understand it."Thursday morning(10/02) Husby and I went to the dr's room(GP) and before we could go to the scan his assistant asked"are you here for your 4months scan?" we laughed at her and told her I was 8 months pregnant,my belly was just too small.The dr came and did the sonar,the first thing he said is this head doesn't look normal;okay I just thought to myself maybe my baby will be abnormal either way it didn't mean much to me as the test results were all good;he immediately went to the heart beat and said Maa'm I can only pick up your heart beat,okay so what dr?I asked,he then replied I am so sorry Maa'm............

OMW,he prepared that I go to the nearest gynae for a c-section.I phoned my mom and she said I must come back home PLK,it didn't make sense to me but Husby said baby lets go home,it's good to be around family.Since we are not mobile he went and asked for a car and we went to PLK and to be honest even though pronounced dead I could still feel the baby move and when I poked her she will move away.He got to my gynae who took me straight to the sonar and confirmed,he prepared that I go to the hospital.I got there and I was induced at 18:30,my mom was there asking different pastors to pray for me and I was digesting the news also.After my mom left,my aunt came we went and sat with her on the visitors side and the pains were bearable,10:00 she left and soon as I got to bed they were horrible then I asked for a pain relief(air gas and epidural),I fell asleep then I just felt this edge to push which I did since there was no harm cause baby is already dead.Then Nkazi arrived sleeping with eyes half opened at 11:45 and cord wrapped tightly on her neck 6 times and twisted as well.Husby and I set there with her for an hour.We prayed for her and took our time,she sure looked like daddy.I must admit my genes are weak(wink)

In the morning my gynae took blood tests which even today I am not interested in the results and I am fine with not knowing.Will only visit him again when I am preggers cause seeing all the bumps there at his rooms is unbearable.

So God talked to me concerning this but my spiritual ears was closed that even the obvious signs I didn't see.but I don't blame myself who would want to know that something might go wrong when you have dreams for your child.God always talks to us so we must level ourselves with Him so that we get the message.Maybe Nkazi would still be here if I had listened but it happened I just need to move past it.To all pregnant mommies do not let anyone(including GP) other than your gynae to say all is well especially if they are not trained for it,bearing in mind that each and every pregnancy is different.

In all this I thank my family even though it was tough we came out refined just like gold.All my friends who were there with their words of comfort and I heard there was a hot babyshower planned for me,actually I was suppose to have 3,just remember that I am done with that road.From now on I will live by old tales,no babyshowers,no buying baby stuff before their born,no disclosing how far am I(wink).