A dream or a vision

Dreams can be used as a form of communication yet if you do not know how to interpret them just like me they can bring confusion and tend to stress or freak you out.

Few weeks after my beautiful Nkazi went home I dreamt of having triplets(3 sets of babies)2 boys and 1 girl,when I woke up I felt this warmness and peace within me and that dream really comforted and gave me hope for a brighter future.I really don't know what this dreams means but the fact that I woke up happy completes me.

Two weeks back,I dreamt of husby telling me that we had concieved triplets and I was very happy and to be honest when I woke up I immediately thought this dream is a vision.I just think that there is a form of communication through this particular dream,I know that my Father in Heaven had to multiply me that's why I think that this is vision.

So yesterday again I dream of my sister insisting that I shouldn't name my baby(meaning that I had conceived),because she has a perfect name for the child.This morning when I woke up I asked myself is this a dream or vision.Like I said before I am not TTCing just leaving everything is God's capable hands and to be honest I love these sorts of dreams cause they give me hope.My husband is against us TTCing cause he hates it if we (especially me)get desparate cause it will only drive me up the wall and I totally agree.I never planned any of my pregnancies and it is just so beautiful to be surprised.

What worries me is that I never dreamt of Nkazimulo's face,I just think it is not normal.I would really love it if she can come to me and tell me that she loves me too as much as I love her.That beautiful face I saw,I am longing to see it again in a dream.

Mommy misses and adores you my precious angel.

Call me crazy

Call me crazy when I miss my daughter and wish I can have her back but I call myself perfectly normal.Death is death,who said if it's a stillborn it is less important?I just get this change the topic attitude when I talk about my child and I quote "It's not like she lived for 6 years then dies."Diiish that's my own flesh and blood and I decide how I remember her and if you are not comfortable hanging around me cause I will talk about Nkazi,bounce.I am so tired of people dectating how I should behave.

Call me crazy when I think of having another baby but I call it normal and yes I am not TTCing but that doesn't mean I am not aspiring to be one day.If you think it is too soon,that's your own opinion and not mine so keep them to yourself.If you think that I am trying to replace my daughter,you are just letting your mind play tricks with you cause in real sense no mother will ever think of replacing a child and beside a child is not like furniture you can't replace.

Call me crazy when I look at babies and think of mine and wish she could be this far long in life,and I call myself normal.I don't have to be a pschologist to know that people grieve differently so don't compare me to others.Call me crazy when I resent a pregnant woman but I call myself normal.

Call me crazy when I research on everything leading to stillbirth,I call it equiping the mind.Yes my baby's death had been an eye-opener and knowing what I can possibly know about pregnancy and pregnancy loss is now my priority.

Call me crazy when I talk about my baby with dry eyes and I call it the healing process.Because I have lost a child doesn't mean I have to always look miserable and fall apart at every conversation.I bath and put on my best item of clothing that's my beautiful smile and face the day.You can say it is still too early but I call it being positive about life.

Call me crazy when I just stare at my baby's scan picture but I call it keeping her memory alive.My baby will always be apart of me.

Call me crazy when I write in this blog instead of going to counselling but I call it being normal as why should I pay someone who never went through the same loss as me and at times tells me "give yourself time,you will be fine."What keeps me sane is blogging my feelings away,call it hanging out my dirty laundry but I call it reaching out to all angel families.

Call me crazy when I panick from every little abdomen pain but I call it being normal cause I am human.Yes I lost my baby but I am not a weirdo,I am not crazy I am perfectly normal and to be honest if her grave was nearer to where I am I was going to visit it everyday.You call it spooky,I call it missing my child.

Grief versus Relationships

After the funeral of my angel,my husband went back home(our home)and I was left with my family to care and support me.Husby and I will talk on the phone daily and I felt it was not enough but we had to respect "tradition" as it forbidded us to be together till a certain period of time.I grew apart from my husband cause there were things that he did that I thought was so unnecessary and inconsiderate not even considering his feeling or why he is acting the way he was(guess I was also inconsiderate).I don't know if I wanted him to fall apart and sob everyday like I did,depend on sleeping tablets every night like I did.He also couldn't sleep but that didn't matter to me,I just thought he is boozing the night away(I was wrong).To be honest I think what the elders thought was helpful was not,cause the distance drew us apart.Tradition or not husband and wife need to be there for each other in this time.It's sad that I have learned that the hard way but I thank God that my husband and I are okay.

I remember he once asked to go to a party and I snapped.Why do you even think of parties in a time like this?What are you celebrating?the fact that my baby died pleases you that you cannot wait for the mourning period to be over you just want to go out and have a jol.Was I too harsh?I never really sat him down and asked him how he really felt and the fact that I was not there for him to support him and I was surrounded by all my loved ones whilst he had to go back home to see to it there are no break-ins.

In my head,everytime he will say something,It came that he doesn't care.He was not carrying that life,that's why he won't feel like his heart has been ripped out.But to be honest I was plain selfish to even think that and I am glad that someone knocked some sense into my head before I lost a daughter and a husband.My husband loves me unconditionally and always here for me when I need a shoulder but I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I kept pushing him away from me.

He came to fetch me,after spending a month with my family and I just didn't get it that he avoid every topic about our daughter and it just pissed me off big time.But later realised that it was his own way of dealing with his grief.He loved our daughter as much as I do and will contunue to love her.

I am glad that my baby's death made our hearts grow even fonder of each other but there are some families who have drifted apart because of a death of a baby.If I may ask this question:"honestly do we think our baby will rest in peace knowing that his\her death had torn apart a home,the home that he\she was suppose to belong in too."I am appealing to every angel family to not allow grief steal your peace and joy as a family.Do not allow guilt to destroy you.The blaming game always destroys and never builds.Some things do not need counselling it only needs understanding.

I thank my husband cause he understood and just kept quiet to my allegations because he wanted to avoid fights and the day that I woke up in the right side of bed he will tell me nicely that he didn't like what I said and why must I say such things etc....Counselling is good but it is for dealing with emotions etc not the heart,as for relationships is the matter of the heart.You love your spouse,so why are you pushing him\her away from you when they want to reach out and help.

I remember my husband telling me that "my love I don't ever want other kids."and that is exactly how I felt too.Reason is the fear of occurance.You know it hurts so much to want to spare the love of your life pain which in so doing inflicting more pain.I am talking about what I call selfish thinking,at the moment it sounds right to utter the words "I am so done with having children."but do you honestly think how the reciever feels about this message you are communicating?We must remember that God did not give us the spirit of fear but of love,power and of a sound mind.Some things we just have to put it in God's "to-do-list",trust that you won't suffer stillbirth again.

Now I am thinking of all the angel families who have no living babies and it is rather selfish if a man or a woman wants to spear you another unknown pain but saying we are done,this was our first and last child.But in most cases I see that after some time there is that urge of wanting to have another baby,so if your spouse said that just give them time to pass their shocking stage and you might hear the words that you want to hear.

And I am this because my husband and I are past the shocking stage,we are not TTCing cause we had put our trust in the Lord and I love this scripture that says "those who wait upon the Lord,shall renew their strength,they shall mount up on eagles wings."So that what I Kuli Christ is saying....

Let's be kind to one another and not let grief consume our relationships cause you might regret it and it will be too late.The best comfort a mom can get is from the dad cause you are experiencing the same thing,rid the mentality that it is different cause he just gave the sperm...

I am missing my darling angel,Nkazimulo mommy loves you so much

One of those things

There are one of those things that just set a person off and for me it's to hear stories about how a mother gave birth to a healthy bouncy baby just to kill it and throw it in the rubbish bin,how sick is that?I am anti-abortion but since it's legal,there is nothing one can say cause it is a personal choice but it is dispeakable for a mother to go through the 9 months and labour process just to kill the baby,why not consider adoption.Are women these days so heartless that they kill innocent babies?

The one that really set me off,was a lady who cooked a newborn baby.How does she sleep at night?I at times get haunted by the face of my baby who I wanted so much to give me that cry so what about looking straight at a child's eyes and still boil it.Talking about cold hearted somebody.

I know as a mother,you don't have to lose a child to be irritated by such things.It just takes a woman with a good heart to be angry at women who give birth to kill their newborns.Is it the fact that the baby daddy left?Is it a financial thing?I know I won't get answers but hey if I were to be a judge for only one day,I was gonna give these heartless women a sentence that they will never forget their entire miserable lives.*pissed*

Have you ever????

Have you ever laid down
and fell asleep;
and wishing for a peaceful night
then instead your night is stolen
by nightmares
dreaming of your baby's grave is a nightmare
isn't it?????

Have you ever woke up
and wondered what this dream meant
or why is it coming???
Being deep in thoughts......

Have you ever felt
you can dig up the grave
and re-burry your child
scary thoughts isn't it???

Is it part of the grieving process???
Or is it total madness and paranoial
of some sort????
Hmmm,this doen't sound good to me

Have you ever thought
you could have done things differently
that maybe and only maybe
if you had done this or that
you wouldn't be among the statistics of stillbirth
Is it guilt consuming you
or is it your mind playing tricks
Hmmmmm,what ever it is I rid it

Have you ever wished
that you will lie down
and when you wake up
your baby will be in your arms
Hmmmm,this is what I call wishful thinking
But is it wrong for a mother to wish for that???
I don't think so,
I think it is normal
But hey I am an angel mom and thoughts like these sounds normal to me
Will you call me crazy???
Either way,it comforts my heart
Who said that keeping the faith is crazy
Yes I won't hold my dead baby
But I will hold a bouncy baby in my hands
You might call it replacing a child
And I call it a blessing from God

Have you ever wished
you were not in this sinking boat
Reality is you are....
And what are you doing about it
I have chosen to have positive thoughts
What is your choice?????

To all angel moms being hopeful is not wrong,being positive is not wrong as well,keep being positive,hopeful and add prayerful.

Poem to Jeffrey by Susan Berg(Mother)

No first baby's cries;
or goodbye lullabyes.
Only a quiet good-bye.

No gazing into big blue eyes;
or wearing little booties and
bowties.
Only emptiness inside.

No kisses for tiny fingers and toes;
or baby coos and first words to
know.

No first baby steps or games to play.
Only hopes and dreams that were
swept away.

No birthday candles,ballons or
gifts.
Only heavy hearts cannot lift.

No brother and sister bonds to share.
Only love we send in thoughts and
prayers.

No;you were the gift chose not
give.
Only with angels is where you shall
live.

No;to hold you in my arms I must
wait.
Only in time,we will meet at the gate.

I'll never forget the sweet words of a friend who consoled me in a time of sadness about losing my son Jeffrey.He said the usual thing you hear...God works in mysterious ways.That His plan is too great for us to understand.But then he added,"you never know.Maybe when you get there,he'll be holding the gate."

Thank you Susan for allowing me to share this

What is stillbirth?

A stillbirth occurs when a fetus has died in the uterus. The Australian definition specifies that fetal death is termed a stillbirth after 20 weeks gestation or the fetus weighs more than 400 grams (14 oz). Once the fetus has died the mother still has contractions and remains undelivered. The term is often used in distinction to live birth or miscarriage. Most stillbirths occur in full term pregnancies.

Causes
The causes of a large percentage of human stillbirths remain unknown, even in cases where extensive testing and autopsy have been performed. A rarely used term to describe these is sudden antenatal death syndrome or SADS, a phrase coined by Cacciatore & Collins in 2000.[1]

In cases where the cause is known, some possibilities of the cause of death are:

-bacterial infection
-birth defects, especially pulmonary hypoplasia
-chromosomal aberrations
-growth retardation
-intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy
-maternal diabetes
-high blood pressure, including preeclampsia
-maternal consumption of recreational drugs (such as alcohol, nicotine, etc.) or pharmaceutical drugs contraindicated in pregnancy
-postdate pregnancy
-placental abruptions
-physical trauma
-radiation poisoning
-Rh disease
-umbilical cord accidents
+"Prolapsed umbilical cord" - Prolapse of the umbilical cord happens when the fetus is not in a correct position in the pelvis. Membranes rupture and the cord is pushed out through the cervix. When the fetus pushes on the cervix, the cord is compressed and blocks blood and oxygen flow to the fetus. The mother has approximately 10 minutes to get to a doctor before there is any harm done to the fetus.
+"Monoamniotic twins" - These twins share the same placenta and the same amniotic sac and therefore can interfere with each other's umbilical cords. When entanglement of the cords is detected, it is highly recommended to deliver the fetuses as early as 31 weeks.

+Entanglement of cord in twin pregnancy at the time of Caesarean Section
Umbilical cord length - A short umbilical cord (<30 cm) can affect the fetus in that fetal movements can cause cord compression, constriction and ruptures. A long umbilical cord (>72 cm) can affect the fetus depending on the way the fetus interacts with the cord. Some fetuses grasp the umbilical cord but it is yet unknown as to whether a fetus is strong enough to compress and stop blood flow through the cord. Also, an active fetus, one that frequently repositions itself in the uterus can cause entanglement with the cord.a hyperactive fetus should be evaluated with ultrasound to rule out cord entanglement.
+Cord entanglement - The umbilical cord can wrap around an extremity, the body or the neck of the fetus. When the cord is wrapped around the neck of the fetus it is called a nuchal cord. Again, these entanglements can cause constriction of blood flow.These entanglements can be visualized with ultrasound.
+Torsion - This term refers to the twisting of the umbilical around itself. Torsion of the umbilical cord is very common ( especially in equine stillbirths) but it is not a natural state of the umbilical cord.The umbilical cord can be untwisted at delivery. The average cord has 3 twists.
Sometimes a pregnancy is terminated deliberately during a late phase, for example for congenital anomaly. UK law requires these procedures to be registered as "stillbirths".

Prenatal diagnosis
It is unknown how much time is needed for a fetus to die. Fetal behavior is consistent and a change in the fetus' movements or sleep-wake cycles can indicate fetal distress.A decrease or cessation in sensations of fetal activity may be an indication of fetal distress or death, though it is not entirely uncommon for a healthy fetus to exhibit such changes, particularly near the end of a pregnancy when there is considerably little space in the uterus for the fetus to move about. Still, medical examination, including a nonstress test, is recommended in the event of any change in the strength or frequency of fetal movement, especially a complete cease; most midwives and obstetricians recommend the use of a kick chart to assist in detecting any changes. Fetal distress or death can be confirmed or ruled out via fetoscopy/doptone, ultrasound, and/or electronic fetal monitoring. If the fetus is alive but inactive, extra attention will be given to the placenta and umbilical cord during ultrasound examination to ensure that there is no compromise of oxygen and nutrient delivery.

Constricted Umbilical Cord
When the umbilical cord is constricted (q.v. "accidents" above), the fetus experiences periods of hypoxia, and may respond by unusually high periods of kicking or struggling, to free the umbilical cord. These are sporadic if constriction is due to a change in the fetus' or mother's position, and may become worse or more frequent as the fetus grows. Extra attention should be given if mothers experience large increases in kicking from previous childbirths, especially when increases correspond to position changes.

Prevention
As many of the causes are unknown or untreatable, prevention is difficult. Symptoms of bacterial infection, such as from a dental abscess, in pregnant women may also include unusual periods of incoherence and symptoms of shock, and should be treated by a physician immediately. High blood pressure, diabetes and drug use should be regulated with physician's advice. Umbilical cord constriction may be identified and observed by ultrasound.

Prenatal maternal treatment
An in utero stillbirth does not usually present an immediate health risk to the woman and labour will usually begin spontaneously after two weeks, so the woman may choose to wait and birth the fetal remains vaginally. After two weeks, the woman is at risk of developing blood clotting problems, and labor induction is recommended at this point. In many cases, the woman will find the idea of carrying the dead fetus emotionally traumatizing and will elect to be induced. Caesarean birth is not recommended unless complications develop during vaginal birth.

Prevalence
Stillbirth is a relatively common, but often random, occurrence. The mean stillbirth rate in the United States is approximately 1 in 115 births, which is roughly 26,000 stillbirths each year, or on an average one every 20 minutes. In Australia,England, Wales, and Northern Ireland, the rate is approximately 1 in every 200 births, in Scotland 1 in 167. (From The National Statistical Office and other sources.) Many stillbirths occur at fullterm to apparently healthy mothers, and a postmortem evaluation reveals a cause of death in only about 40% of autopsied cases.

In developing countries, where medical care can be of low quality or unavailable, the stillbirth rate is much higher.

Deep in thoughts

Are there any support groups specially for grieving mothers affected by stillbirth or miscarriages or death of a child here in SA?If anyone has an answer please let me know.Are the organisation dedicated to research on the cause of stillbirth and come up with preventative measures?Hmmm I haven't come across any,so please if someone knows of it please to let me know.I am even wondering if there are companies doing gifts for grieving parents like pendants etc...I spent the whole day googling and all I could find is overseas shops.

I know that the number of stillborns here in South Africa have increased but what is our doctors doing about it.I remember in the hospital I was,they gave me a private room for delivering but after they took me to an empty room just next door the nursery and all I can hear the whole night is crying babies,how insensitive that is.When the shifts changed,the night nurses did not inform the day nurses that in that room there is a mother who just lost her child and all I heard all morning was "where is your baby?" Do you want me to bring her for feeds."I just laid there in tears and with a shaking voice said "my baby died."In my heart I just couldn't wait for my husband to come and answer these questions for me and he eventually came at 6:30 and rescued me and we had to wait there and be tortured till the gynae arrived to discharge me.

Do not get me wrong,I did not want preferential treatment but some sort of sensitivity.So yaah when my psychologist advised me to start a blog,even though I was hesitant at first but I thought about it thoroughly and asked myself what will people think etc...but I said to hell cause most women here in South Africa go through stillbirth almost everyday and some more than once and keep it to themselves.I will write a blog and even though it is personal maybe it might help someone some day.

It is not wrong to grieve for your child that was bornsleeping,we go into depression because we do not talk,since we are not allowed to.Some they did not get to give their children decent burials and will never eract a tombstone cause culture says stillborns should be buried at the back of the family home.But I would like to say,that should not permit you to think of your child or do something to honour their memory.I remember I was so pissed that in her death certificate they only wrote "baby Kulani."whilst we had names for her,to me that is just so inconsiderate and unfair to the parents.But I have decided that I won't let a death certificate deprive me of honouring my daughter.When you talk to people about your late child,they look at you like you are mad or obsessed.It doesn't not mean that if my baby died,she was not my child.She came out the same way other living children come out the only difference is she came out sleeping with no heartbeat.

I urge everyone to respect angel moms and allow them to talk freely about their children and birthing experience if they want.All kids are special to their parents and every parent is proud of their children.So don't look at me like I am crazy when I talk about my girls,yes you heard me rights "girls",I am a proud mother of two beautiful girls,one here on heart filling my heart with joy and one in heaven filling my heart with strength and hope.

To be honest if I had a gift of crafting I would open a shop that only sell keepsakes and jewelry for the stillborns,so unfortunately.I want to paste reference of what other countries are doing in support of stillbirths,it is not taboo to talk about this,it might help someone some day and wouldn't you be happy that you did something to help prevent another mother from experiencing such a painful thing.

Anyone who like to share their story with the world in this blog you can,let's raise awareness.drop at kulimas@webmail.co.za and I will post it for you.

www.uk-sands.org
www.MyForeverChild.com

Officially name removed

After a message from my angel that she wants to be remembered for her uniqueness not be given a pattern name,even though it was beautiful and had a strong meaning,daddy and I had agreed to honour your memory my darling child,Vutshamo is officially removed and we won't add another name.Nkazimulo remains and trully you are God's glory my angel.

You were born unique hence it makes sense that you want to remain unique.I told your sister last night that we should say "Good night Nkazi" and she said it without asking too many questions.I am glad that this name you have disregarded it and you want it to belong to your little brother or sister and it won't be in your memory but it will be rightly his or hers,you have given it to her\him and have given me hope also....

You are special my angel and I love you so very much and even though it might not make sense but as long as you okayed it,daddy and I are fine with the decision.So Miss Nkazimulo Mathibela thank you for your guidance and filling my life with so much hope for a brighter tomorrow.

To all our visitors please note that we have removed Vutshamo aka Tshami and she is now left with her prophetic name Nkazimulo.I know there are those who won't understand but I am honouring my baby's request.Angels do talk(smilling)and I am happy that she did after 3 months of her death.It is still the same blog,we just removed one name and won't be adding another name.

Month 3

Wow it is amazing how time flies,I don't believe that it has been 3 months since you went to heaven.I don't believe how my face just lights up when I talk about you,how much I have hope for a brighter future.Even when tears falls,I remember you with a beautiful broad smile,my miracle baby.I will always love you and keep you in my heart cause that's where you belong.There was a time I will cry myself to sleep but not anymore.Indeed those who wait upon the Lord,He shall renew their strength,they shall mount up on eagles wings.I have reached to a point that I am content and I love the feeling.Maybe people don't feel comfortable talking about you but only if they knew there is absolutely nothing wrong reliving your memories and it is therapy for me.Mommy loves you my darling angel.

I have heard that I should change your name but before I do that I will talk to daddy and take it from there.You are very special(smiles),not wanting to go by my naming pattern and diverting your name to a different,unique direction so that you must be remembered for your uniqueness,wow......I love you more and more everyday.

Forever in my heart(Remembering Jeffrey)by Susan Berg

It's been two years since I lost my son,Jeffrey,at birth.It's strange,the process of grief,how it goes from unbearable heartache to eventual acceptance.When it first happened,people kept telling me my pain would ease as time went by,but at the time,it was hard to imagine that I would ever feel better.It is such a senseless loss.I remember thinking how cruel God must be to let such a thing happen....to give me a baby,let it grow inside for nine months,and then take him away just hours before he was to be delivered into my arms.

But it has been two years,and I have now learned to accept my loss,the loss of my son's little brother,and my daughter's big brother.In the beginning I couldn't go for more than a few minutes without crying,then a few hours,a day,a week,a month,and eventually I might go a year without crying.But the tears are there to fall,when I let them,because it is sad and always will be,there's no way to get around that.

Even though I have accepted what has happened and that I will never know why,every August 25 I will be that mother who just lost her child, and will feel the heartache of that day.I will always wish I was celebrating my little boy's birthday,through every year and every stage of life,instead of the anniversary of his death.

There will always be that empty place in our lives that effrey would have filled.We'll always wish he was here with us,and that we could have known him.But I have to believe that he was born to God...that God had other plans that are too great for me to understand.

And since I can't hold him in my arms,I will hold him,forever,in my heart.

Jeffrey's Mom

Mother's Day Poem by Gwen Flowers

I got this from my support group and thought I should share with all the angel mommies......

Happy Mothers Day to you,
and may peace fill your heart
as you and your sweet babies spend
this mothers day apart

My thoughts and prayers are with you
on this Mothers Day
for you have seen your hopes and dreams
softly slip away

Happy Mothers Day to you
you deserve nothing less
for you have borne the burden
of loss and emptiness.

You have earned the right to roses
or daisies in chubby hands
but all I can offer to you
is a friend who understands.

There's so much pain and sorrow
when things turn out this way
but we share a special bond
on this special day.

So happy Mothers Day, my friend
may it bring some joy to you
for you have loved that special way
that only mothers do.

Mother's day

On sunday it was mother's day and I couldn't help but just cry.Thinking to myself I could be enjoying this day with both my beautiful girls yet I thank God that I am a mother to two precious girls.As I was watching a gospel music channel,I heard the song "Enkazimulweni" my tears just flowed as I remembered my Nkazimulo had went home.What wiped my tears and brought joy to my day was my father's message,even since I became a mother 3 years back to my first daughter he never sent me a mother's day message and this was special and the fact that it is coming from someone who lost his mother years back that he still cherishes mothers out there had put a smile on my face.I don't know why but my spirit says I must change my baby's name to Muendzi which means Visitor but still keep Nkazimulo cause it was a prophetic name.Wow,still have to communicate to husby regarding this....I think my baby is saying something to me.

To all those women who have lost their only child to stillbirth and were not recognised on this day I would like to say Happy Mother's day.You are also a mother,you also went through the labour pains and birthing a child,you are not different from us who have living children.You are wonderful and special and need to be celebrated as well.

Open Up Your Eyes lyrics by Daughtry, Chris; Hodges, David; Moody, Ben;

A single rose left to remember
As a single tear falls from her eye
Another cold day in December
A year from the day she said goodbye

Seems it's only been a moment
Since the angels took him from her arms
And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow
But as they laid him in the ground
Her heart would sing without a sound

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life
Just open up your eyes

A single lifetime lays behind her

As she draws her final breath
Just beyond the door he'll find her
Taking her hand she softly says

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life

Just open up your eyes as I lay you down tonight
Safe on the other side, no more tears to cry

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life

A letter from your big sister

ImageChef.com Flower Text When your heart stopped
my dream of having a little sister
to share my toys with died.
It was 10:00 am when I heard teacher say
"daddy is here to fetch you".
I just didn't understand why today he came early.
It was odd as I approached the car as I saw mommy,
immediately I knew something was wrong.
We drove to granny's place
and to my suprise there was a dead silence in the car.
Someone tell me what's going on,
yes I am only 31 months old
but I do have senses and now I am sensing pain.
Mommy whispered in my ear in my sleep
that you went to Jesus...
to my suprise how is that so?
cause I saw a white kinda box put into a hole
and I was told this is where you are sleeping....
I still cry in confusion cause you live in my mom's tummy
but confusion reigns again
as I look at mommy's tummy it now looks hungry.
What did she do to my little sister?
She told me that I will be a big sister
but now she don't talk about it anymore
She don't let me brush nor kiss her tummy
Hmmmm I will never understand old people...
They always talk in riddles.
Either way I am still waiting for you
I promise we will share my sweets and toys
I love you and I will sing to you as well
Mommy always introduces me to other nanas
but not to you....
I have your photo hanging in my room;
What's going on here?
cause mommy removed all your things
I don't get it and she just says you won't need them
cause Jesus will give you more beautiful ones
Now I am only left with all the toys and have no little sis to share with.
Mommy makes me feed and play with my baby cousin
but I am waiting for you....
cause it's not the same,he only comes to visit
but it looks I am going to wait forever....
I am lonely and wish Jesus can bring you
so that we can play and run around the house...
and drive mommy up the wall*smilling*
Come back please.....

With love
Your Big Sister

A poem written by an angel father(Reference from footprints newsletter)

They ask "How's your wife?"
But they don't understand.
He also affected my life.

I picture him on a football team.
Who knows,maybe number 13
But now it's all just a dream.

I'm not supposed to show any
emotions or cry
I'm supposed to take it like a man
But sometimes I wish I could die.

I'll never know the bruised knee
His first kiss or broken heart
Not ever "Dad,can I have the car key?"

I'm expected to keep all of this
bottle up inside.
That wasn't just fetal tissue or a
nonviable pregnancy.
He was my only son that died.

But life continues,although I am
sad.
You'll never understand my pain
or tear in my eyes
Because to you

I'm just the Dad.

By Dennis VanDerWoude

An open letter to bereaved parent.... excerpted from Ann Landers(Ref Footprints newsletter)

I won't say,"I know how you feel"----because I don't.I've lost parents,grandparents,aunts,uncles and friends,but I've never lost a child.So how can I say I know how you feel?

I won't say,"You'll get over it"---because you won't.Life will have to go on.The washing,cooking,cleaning,the common routine.These chores will take your mind off your loved one,but the hurt will still be there.

I won't say,"never mind,you're young enough to have another baby"---because that won't help.A new baby cannot replace the one you've lost.A new baby will fill your hours,keep you busy,give you sleepless nights.But it will not replace the one you've lost.

You may hear all these platitudes from your friends and relatives.They think they are helping.They don't know what else to say.You will find out who your true friends are at this time.Many will avoid you because they can't face you.Others will talk about the weather,the holidays and the school concert but never about your child.Never about how you're coping.

So what will I say?

I will say,"I'm here.I care.Anytime.Anywhere."I'll cry with you if need be.I'll talk about your loved one.We'll laugh about the good memories.I won't mind how long you grieve.I won't tell you to pull yourself together.

No,I don't know how you feel---but with sharing,perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through.And perhaps you will feel comfortable with me and find your burden has eased.Try me.

I am missing my baby so much but in a happy way.As the flowers bloom so beautifully so is my life,yes I have learned to live with the fact that I am an angel mom,that I'll get to see you some day in heaven.I used to wonder if you ate,if you are happy etc, but not anymore cause I know you are safe under the shadow of God's wings.

I am now content,yes it's been 11 weeks but I am better than expected cause when you are in Christ you have a different perspective of death.I will always love you my beautiful baby.Have the sweetest dreams.We send you our love every night cause we believe you hear them,we can't hear your rsponse but we know you are replying back.