New Year

Honestly speaking I am so happy that 2011,the year that brought nothing but pain and sorrow in my life and the life of my family has passed.God is our refuge and He took us through that time and showered us with His grace.I have seen His Mighty hand in our sorrow,He brought about His peace that surpassed all human understanding.Reflecting I thought I wouldn't survive,I just saw the death of my baby consuming me as well,I was emotionally dead but the Lord breathed life into my dry bones and I started living again.Nkazimulo you'll always be my hope and my strength,even today I don't know why you but I am greatful that you came to my life and brought light.I know you are our guardian angel and nothing but only goodness and mercy will follow us as a family.

Christmas day was lovely,you were there with us.I had your picture under the Christmas tree and it looked so beautiful as we had the lights on.(Smilling)funny your sister will light the tree even during the day.I know you were right there with us as we celebrate the birth of our Saviour,Christ Jesus,I know you were sending a rainbow that will wipe our tears and bring light and a testimony.Jesus came so that we might have life and have it in adundance,I am confident that His birth saved mommy from future loss and pain,I will only rejoice.

Hmmm your birthday is soon approaching,good thing I will be at your home so will go to your graveside.I am undecided on how to celebrate it,cakes the works or balloon releasing ceremony only.Hmmm,please indicate how you want me to celebrate your birthday.

Christmas

This was supposed to be your first Christmas with us.To be honest I really don't know how to feel as the day approaches cause in my heart I know that one member of my family is not present.Sometimes it becomes easier but family days like these ones make me think and yearn for you.I am missing you my baby but I get comforted knowing you are in a better place.I so wonder how you guys celebrate Christmas there,I am sure you are blessed to dine with the Master Jesus Christ and Our Father.All mommy can say is Merry Christmas my angel,you will forver be in my heart.

Thanksgiving

Hmmm to be honest 2011 hasn't been a year that I looked for in my entire life.All my dreams were shattered,all I hoped for was not fulfilled but above all I am still thankful for my experiences.Yes my baby died,whilst I was waiting in anticipation to welcome her into my world,to love her and care for her but that was not God's will for our lives;however I am still hopeful that God is still in control.

I would like to thank Him for His faithfulness towards me,for His loving kindness towards me,in the midst of my storm He was there.In the dark tunnel He provided me with light so that I see my way out.I felt like dying when Nkazimulo died but He renewed my strength.I stand in awe of my Daddy so great.

I would like to thank Nkazimulo for being in my womb for 31 weeks 6 days.I will always cherish the moments I spent with you;some women cannot even conceive but I conceived you so easily.Yes my heart breaks that you are not here with me but I am thankful that I have a guidian angel to watch over me and our family day and night.

I would like to thank everyone who was there for me and still here for me.The forums that gave me courage and are still encouraging me to press on.I won't name anyone and of you lovely people from around the world who take your time to read my blog.I never thought there would be people interested in my sobby stories but you do take your time to read my traumatic experience.My family and friends,thank you.

Lastly I would like to thank my daughter who cheers me up everyday and give me the joy of being a mother.You are a true blessing and mommy loves you so dearly.

I love you Nkazimulo

Vent,vent,vent

All the time,I get so pissed about people thinking I owe them explanations about my own life,plans and dreams.I really don't get their mentality, okay freedom of speech is given so why not use it responsibly.If I decide not to say what killed my baby or when am I having another one why should it bother people.

I am my own person and certainly don't need anyone else's approval so keep your opinions to yourself.I really don't like nosdey people because I am not nosey and couldn't care less about who does what,at what time.I mind my own business and so wish some people can get a life and mind their own businesses.We all have a part in our lives that didn't go our way so being an angel mom doesn't make me an allien from Mars,I am still human.

When I have picked up the pieces and moving past all anger and hate,the harsh realities comes back not as a flashback but as reality.I really never blamed anyone for your death and now my heart is blaming people which I know it's wrong but from saturday all I do all day long is to blame people and it is making me uneasy.I honestly expected your dad to understand where I am coming from but no he just act ignorantly to my feeling.

Maybe I am consoling myself but I think that a breakdown once in a while it's fine,I lost you,my child,my dream,my future.I have alot going on in this mind of mine that I cannot bring myself to write it down but I am praying about it.I have been doing so well and really don't need this melt down.

I just have so much mixed feeling right now when it comes to your dad cause he is not soothing my heart but think I am sick and insensitive.I don't want anyone to understand but we are in the same boat and yes he needs to be strong for us but he is creating doubts in my mind.Okay let me ink off cause I am confussed and way too emotional,I am not even sure what I am blogging right now.But I will pray hard about this.

I love my beautiful angel

Anyone reading this post please tell me what will you make of this story,I think sometimes I am paranoid and my mind tells me things.A friend of mine was sharing with me a story of her friend who gave birth 3 months ago,she shared this story with emphasis that's what made me scrutinise every detail.Apparently this friend gave birth via C-Section to a baby that was without breath nor heart beat,the nurses were preparing to take the baby to the mogue when the gynae advised the mom and her mom who was in the delivery room to pray earnestly,after 30 minutes of prayer the child came back to life.I was so happy to hear that the child is alive and healthy and just couldn't held back my joy even if I wanted to but what ticked me off is the repetation of this story.

Which made me to really sit down and ask myself what exactly was my friend communicating to me,is she trying to say that I should have prayed even harder for my child maybe I will also be bearing this testimony?Or is she saying that I took the child to the mogue quickly.All sorts of questions which I am not getting an answer to is running in my head.I spent an hour with my daughter praying for her and pastor interceding on our behalf,but God's will was done at the end of the day.Deep down in my heart I could have even sacrificed my life if asked just for my baby to be alive.I wanted that child alive just like every mother.Maybe I am misinterpriting her emphasis,maybe I am too sensitive at times but from where I see this there is more to her emphasis than what I think.Either way I have come to know that only God is the giver of life,no one else,children only comes through us not from us.

Either way I have decided not to retaliate when she tells me this story again and again I will try to keep my cool.

Nkazimulo my baby,only if I had powers you will be here with mommy.We all miss you so much.We love you my princess

The power of letting go.

Oh my word if you had told me in March,I would have told you to get off my face cause you don't know what you are talking about.You know why was it like that?Because the pain was still fresh and unbearable and it seemed no one understood,but through the months I have learnt a secret to a fulfilling life,I have found joy and peace in my soul once more.No,No I am not strong;I have just accepted that my baby was born different,she was born sleeping but that doesn't make me love her less.I have learned to live with the fact that she's gone and that has taught me to let go of the pain,but what I cherish more is the bond we had and the birthing experience,spending an hour looking at her beautiful face,wow amazing.I have learned that pain can consume a person in a big way,it can make you neglect what matters most.It can make you lose vision for your life.Okay its good to be withdrawn but do you really think about how it affects your loved ones;how you might be depriving them of your love and attention.Pain can steal your life and joy.I have learnt over the months that there is power in letting go of pain.I chose with my own free will to remember my baby with happy emotions,to celebrate her with joy not bitterness,to cherish her as the angel she is.Like I said if someone had told me this earlier I was going to say the person is crazy and insensitive.What I love about letting go,is the fact that it needs an introspection,don't do it cause people say you must do it but do it cause your inner person says so.Some women have carried the pain till death,some can't truly love their children but it's all up to a person.I have decided to let go of the pain,to let go of the stigma of losing a baby.


My sweet sleep tight,mommy loves u dearly.

Just feel like screaming today

LORD PLEASE BRING BACK MY BABY,I AM LONGING FOR HER.NKAZIMULO MY ANGEL MOMMY IS THINKING ALOT ABOUT YOU,SOME DAYS ARE JUST HARDER THAN OTHER AND TODAY IS JUST ONE OF THOSE.I JUST CANNOT WAIT TO KNOCK OFF JUST TO SEE YOUR SISTER SMILE,I KNOW SHE WILL TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY WITH HER BEAUTIFUL SMILE.I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY BUT AT TIMES IT IS HARD CAUSE YOU ARE NOT HERE TO FILL THAT MISSING GAP IN MY SOUL.I WISH I CAN JUST HOLD YOU,I WISH I CAN JUST KISS YOU,I AM WISHING FOR SO MANY THINGS RIGHT NOW....

OH MY BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL,I AM MISSING YOU A LOT.

Am I really obsessed?

Okay yesterday a very good friend of mine,outlines that I am obsessed.She said she has observed me more often and thinks she must just say it aloud THAT IAM NOW OBSESSED.Obsessed about babies,pregnant women etc.And to be honest other babies do not fascinate me;same thing goes to preggie bellies.I held a 2 months old baby for the first time,last sunday in church and I was battling with my emotions if I should and I told myself that I need to overcome my fear and even though my eyes were teary;I managed to take out my best smile as I held that sweet baby,he was sleeping.

Going back to the topic at hand,I then asked my friend "why do you say that."And her response was I am always occupied by forum chats and I become so excited when someone gets a baby or is pregnant.Okay I admit I am guilty as charged as I love my Moomie Forum and Daily strength forum and yes I will go to the pregnancy side on moomie till all my preggie friends delivered healthy babies but as for the Daily strength I joined in the stillbirth group and I become excited when an angel mommy falls pregnant.I am just a chat addict that's why I cancelled my facebook :-)

Please help me,am I fooling myself?Am I actually obsessed?Husby once said that and I just do not get it.Yes I will love to have other children but that does not make me obessed?I so wished I was already pregnant but that's God's call to make not mine and that's the reason I won't torture myself and husby about trying again even though we won't prevent it ;-).

To be honest,I feel nothing for pregnant women other than pray for them;I would hate to meet someone to tell me that she lost her child.Again I say,"I will never wish a stillbirth even to my worst enemy(if I do have such)."When I see newborns I just share joy because the baby is alive and healthy.So correct me if I am wrong,am I obessed or not?

Call me crazy

Call me crazy when I miss my daughter and wish I can have her back but I call myself perfectly normal.Death is death,who said if it's a stillborn it is less important?I just get this change the topic attitude when I talk about my child and I quote "It's not like she lived for 6 years then dies."Diiish that's my own flesh and blood and I decide how I remember her and if you are not comfortable hanging around me cause I will talk about Nkazi,bounce.I am so tired of people dectating how I should behave.

Call me crazy when I think of having another baby but I call it normal and yes I am not TTCing but that doesn't mean I am not aspiring to be one day.If you think it is too soon,that's your own opinion and not mine so keep them to yourself.If you think that I am trying to replace my daughter,you are just letting your mind play tricks with you cause in real sense no mother will ever think of replacing a child and beside a child is not like furniture you can't replace.

Call me crazy when I look at babies and think of mine and wish she could be this far long in life,and I call myself normal.I don't have to be a pschologist to know that people grieve differently so don't compare me to others.Call me crazy when I resent a pregnant woman but I call myself normal.

Call me crazy when I research on everything leading to stillbirth,I call it equiping the mind.Yes my baby's death had been an eye-opener and knowing what I can possibly know about pregnancy and pregnancy loss is now my priority.

Call me crazy when I talk about my baby with dry eyes and I call it the healing process.Because I have lost a child doesn't mean I have to always look miserable and fall apart at every conversation.I bath and put on my best item of clothing that's my beautiful smile and face the day.You can say it is still too early but I call it being positive about life.

Call me crazy when I just stare at my baby's scan picture but I call it keeping her memory alive.My baby will always be apart of me.

Call me crazy when I write in this blog instead of going to counselling but I call it being normal as why should I pay someone who never went through the same loss as me and at times tells me "give yourself time,you will be fine."What keeps me sane is blogging my feelings away,call it hanging out my dirty laundry but I call it reaching out to all angel families.

Call me crazy when I panick from every little abdomen pain but I call it being normal cause I am human.Yes I lost my baby but I am not a weirdo,I am not crazy I am perfectly normal and to be honest if her grave was nearer to where I am I was going to visit it everyday.You call it spooky,I call it missing my child.

One of those things

There are one of those things that just set a person off and for me it's to hear stories about how a mother gave birth to a healthy bouncy baby just to kill it and throw it in the rubbish bin,how sick is that?I am anti-abortion but since it's legal,there is nothing one can say cause it is a personal choice but it is dispeakable for a mother to go through the 9 months and labour process just to kill the baby,why not consider adoption.Are women these days so heartless that they kill innocent babies?

The one that really set me off,was a lady who cooked a newborn baby.How does she sleep at night?I at times get haunted by the face of my baby who I wanted so much to give me that cry so what about looking straight at a child's eyes and still boil it.Talking about cold hearted somebody.

I know as a mother,you don't have to lose a child to be irritated by such things.It just takes a woman with a good heart to be angry at women who give birth to kill their newborns.Is it the fact that the baby daddy left?Is it a financial thing?I know I won't get answers but hey if I were to be a judge for only one day,I was gonna give these heartless women a sentence that they will never forget their entire miserable lives.*pissed*

Have you ever????

Have you ever laid down
and fell asleep;
and wishing for a peaceful night
then instead your night is stolen
by nightmares
dreaming of your baby's grave is a nightmare
isn't it?????

Have you ever woke up
and wondered what this dream meant
or why is it coming???
Being deep in thoughts......

Have you ever felt
you can dig up the grave
and re-burry your child
scary thoughts isn't it???

Is it part of the grieving process???
Or is it total madness and paranoial
of some sort????
Hmmm,this doen't sound good to me

Have you ever thought
you could have done things differently
that maybe and only maybe
if you had done this or that
you wouldn't be among the statistics of stillbirth
Is it guilt consuming you
or is it your mind playing tricks
Hmmmmm,what ever it is I rid it

Have you ever wished
that you will lie down
and when you wake up
your baby will be in your arms
Hmmmm,this is what I call wishful thinking
But is it wrong for a mother to wish for that???
I don't think so,
I think it is normal
But hey I am an angel mom and thoughts like these sounds normal to me
Will you call me crazy???
Either way,it comforts my heart
Who said that keeping the faith is crazy
Yes I won't hold my dead baby
But I will hold a bouncy baby in my hands
You might call it replacing a child
And I call it a blessing from God

Have you ever wished
you were not in this sinking boat
Reality is you are....
And what are you doing about it
I have chosen to have positive thoughts
What is your choice?????

To all angel moms being hopeful is not wrong,being positive is not wrong as well,keep being positive,hopeful and add prayerful.

Mother's day

On sunday it was mother's day and I couldn't help but just cry.Thinking to myself I could be enjoying this day with both my beautiful girls yet I thank God that I am a mother to two precious girls.As I was watching a gospel music channel,I heard the song "Enkazimulweni" my tears just flowed as I remembered my Nkazimulo had went home.What wiped my tears and brought joy to my day was my father's message,even since I became a mother 3 years back to my first daughter he never sent me a mother's day message and this was special and the fact that it is coming from someone who lost his mother years back that he still cherishes mothers out there had put a smile on my face.I don't know why but my spirit says I must change my baby's name to Muendzi which means Visitor but still keep Nkazimulo cause it was a prophetic name.Wow,still have to communicate to husby regarding this....I think my baby is saying something to me.

To all those women who have lost their only child to stillbirth and were not recognised on this day I would like to say Happy Mother's day.You are also a mother,you also went through the labour pains and birthing a child,you are not different from us who have living children.You are wonderful and special and need to be celebrated as well.

Feeling guilty

Hmmm I was reading another mom's birth story,the doctors told her at 26 weeks that they cannot find her baby's heart beat and confirmed over and over again.She then went to deliver at c-section and she is now proud mommy to a healthy boy.I am so happy for her,everyday I pray that no woman go through what I have been through.

Whilst reading,it just came to me that since the baby was moving even after 2 doctors couldn't find a heart beat maybe if I had done a c-section my baby could have lived.Maybe my baby died in the process of delivering.....(deep in frustration thoughts).Now I am feeling guilty that if I had listened to the first doctor maybe there was still that little chance of survival,maybe I wouldn't be writting this blog........I need to calm down

Peoples reactions "pissed"

I went to a canteen here at work today and I met a friend,we hardly see each other and first thing he asked "what did you do to the tummy?" where is the the baby."I found myself smilling as I said "my baby girl passed on." and with a concerned face he replied:"so why are you smilling about it."Little did he know that I smile to hide my pain,that's easy as it doesn't leave me emotionally drained.

I remember when I came back,I went to the cafe to buy bread and the cashier asked me where is my child and I pointed to my 2yrs old and she said I mean the one that you were recently carrying.I took a deep breathe as this lady never even once spoke to me and I replied"she passed on." and the lady continued she commented "how did you take it,if it was me I was going to cry alot."I looked at her with a smile and left.What came to my head is,does people really know when to SHUT UP?I don't even think she has kids let alone lost a child to tell me such things,is it not obvious that I cried a lot,does she really think I danced for joy.

Why are people so insensitive,one lady saw me standing at the corner with a friend and she was passing by with a car,she shouted "Hi sisi,where is your newborn since you are standing by the corner and I replied (obviously shouting)she died and I thought that was it and before she pulls of I heard,"was it a girl or a boy and I shouted in response a GIRL."She then said sorry....Wow I was left speechless,as 1.if the baby was alive obviously I wouldn't have left the house being seen at the corners 2.since I said baby died,why does the gender matters?

Hmmmmm typical people,my mom taught me never to ask a pregnant woman questions like,where is the baby?if she doen't tell you herself.One that also shocked me is this comment"it doesn't matter anymore,you'll have other kids."wow people really know how to console(sarcastic)

I am experiencing an emotional rollercoaster,just sitting here in my office and feel I can just burst out and cry.I went to the loo and just found myself crying,I feel drained.I was reading a story of another mom who had a still born yesterday and it just took me to that day,that day that will always be a part of me,a day that it will take amnesia to erase it from my long-term memory.Carrying a stigma of loss is so painful.

I just found myself dialing husby's numbers and what I am saying does not make sense.He just keep asking the obvious and I do not know what to say to him.I know he is not psychic but atleast he should know that at times I will just burst out in tears because I am missing my precious baby.

My whole body is numb.I can't wait to knock off and go and sleep.I am drousy and my head feels lighter.At least I have 30 minutes left.Someone help me..........

Last night my friend gave birth to a healthy bouncing baby,our due dates were so close together and I can say she was my preggie partner and we knew that our babies will be friends since they are all girls.I am so happy for her,she deserve all the happiness the little girl has brought with but my tears just kept rolling thinking of Nkazi and that she will never get to meet her best friend.I just sat in the lounge and cried till I went to get her tekkies and scan pic and I just couldn't believe how much I miss her and yearn for her.Will it always be like that?Will this baby always remind me of what I could have had also?I don't want to be like that.....What must I do(thinking)....Husby just couldn't understand;why all of a sudden I just broke down.Nothing seemed to help last night,I just cried myself to sleep after reading husby my favourite poem that I wrote to Nkazi,titled "Peacefully"

All I said to him is even after 20 years I will still cry for my baby,nothing will ever take away those feelings of lost.At times I really don't believe that it actually happened.Mommy is thinking of you my angel and thank you for whispering into my ear last night,I know you were there with a box of tissues.I love you my girl

I think your passing has knocked daddy too hard as he prefers not to talk about you.Even though I prefer talking more about you,I will respect his space and when he is good and ready he will open up.But he has become rather too distant for my liking,indeed men mourn differently,maybe he is trying to be strong for your sister and I but it is not working for me cause I need his shoulder to cry on.

Either way I won't let this destroy us cause I know you'll hate for us to be apart because of your death.He needs you,kiss him goodnight and remind him the values of life.Why did you leave me,I am lonely and no one understands how I truly feels,I think society has brainwashed them cause most africans prefers not to talk about their sleeping babies.I just do not understand why but either way that's how they were raised.Now I have a lot of women tell me that it happened to them but they didn't wait long to concieve and that's how they healed,yet there are those who had more than 2 stillbirths and it makes me wonder..........but I am positive it won't happen to me again.Okay I understand that we as people are different but I just want to understand that not talking about it does it help..Hmmm deep in thoughts.

Maybe according to tradition I shouldn't be writting this but I find comfort in writting and it heals my heart.

It's been 2 days since I wrote about you,but that does not mean I was not thinking about you cause I was.At times it breaks my heart how fast you have reached your destiny.Even though my heart has accepted that it was your destiny,my mind is confused and at times filled with anger of how I was so robbed of you but I have God's peace to calm me down and give me hope.I saw you in my future but you are not there.Oh my baby girl mommy's heart yearns for you.Yesterday I dreamt of you and indeed when I woke up you are still gone.How at times I wish you had lived but God has perfect plans for you Nkazimulo.I want to pack all the stuff that were meant for you,eish yaah they were waiting for you to wear them,use them and now they have to be packed away.Even though I may say life is not fair,it won't bring you back.I love you with all of my heart Nkazi and I am missing you everyday.I pray for you at all times,I keep you in my spirit where I carry you everywhere I go.*sleep tight mommy's beautiful girl*

If I could turn back the hands of time and my sleeping beauty you'd still be alive,kicking very hard and waiting for your time to come and grace us with your presence,only if I could turn back the hands of time and my Nkazi,you wouldn't be lying in your grave.Only if,only if I could turn back the hands of time you'd be with us but funny yet painful how things turn,you came early sleeping on Nkazimulo my beautiful girl.Words cannot express how overwhelmed I am with grief right now,thinking to myself how would have it been to mother you.I so longed to rock you to sleep,to hear your giggles to see each and every developmental stage.My angel,mommy's heart is painful.

I am suffering,as strong as I am my world has closed in on me,it's all dark and blur oh my girl,my beautiful girl,your beauty was meant for the soil.No hello mommy,no goodbye mommy,you just vanished into thin air oh my poor baby.My angel I did not get the chance to tell you face to face that I love you but I am sure that in heaven you know that mommy loves you dearly and holds you dear to her heart for you to stay there forever.Some may forget you but you'll never be forgotten in my heart.Your spirit will live forever in my heart,I will hold you dearly and tenderly.They say there is life after death,live a holy life my child and make mommy proud cause that's how I wanted you to live here on earth and that's how I am raising your sister to know holiness and follow Jesus Christ for He is the life.I will always be your mother and you'll always be my 2nd born.Beautiful you are,sleep tight Nkazimulo.Mommy is sending you a big hug and kisses.