Wow

Time really flies when one atleast expect it.Today marks 11 months,I can't believe this wow.I am still clueless on how to celebrate your birthday.I wish I really knew how to make it special and problem is daddy won't be around but I know he keeps you so close to his heart.

The only thing that comes to mind is having your tekkies framed,which daddy has been procastinating for a while now maybe he wants to do it on your birthday,who knows.Either we love you and miss you so much.I know you were going to enjoy a summer birthday party with jumping castles the works.

Sleep well,my hope and strength

Stillbirth World Awereness Day(15/10/2011)

My day was good,took out your clothing bag and just checking what is it I can give out and what is it I can keep.I had to go to church so wasn't really sure what time I will be back to really have my me and you time.Either way I had set a reminder that even when the day can get busy,I must atleast spend time in your honey.

At 19:15 I got home from church went straight to your photo where there are 3 red-heart shaped candles and I had one white one in my hand.I called your sister and told her to keep quiet and she did :-).We lit the candles for you and had a moment of silence,I was just reflecting on the joy you could have brought me should your destiny had been different.We blew the candles and that was it....

I really miss you my darling angel,you are all that mommy thinks of.Loving you still.

Honestly speaking I could have written something on monday when you made your 8 months mark in heaven,I remember sitting quietly and asking myself that since you are now an angel do you go through the growth stage in heaven like you've would have been here on earth,and I smilled at the thought that really now you could be crawling and teething *smiles*.

Then I realised that I miss you so much.You are now my sweet guardian angel,I love you so much and will always do.Thinking of you a lot lately,the 15th October is Stillbirth Awareness day and I will be lighting a candle in your memory,I will get your sister to light one as well,plus I have nice heart-shapped ones near your photo.We are thinking of you.

I love you

I am lighting a candle

Today I am lighting a candle in your honour;
honouring the life that you lived short and brief;
honouring the joy I had carrying you.

Today I am lighting a candle in your memory;
thinking of the life that was waiting for you;
thinking of all the goodies waiting for you.

Today I am lighting a candle in remembrance of the energy you had;
remembering the wave gave us on the ultra sound;
remembering the sensentional kicks you gave me;
remembering seeing you without a heartbeat;
remembering seeing you peacefully sleeping.

Today I am lighting a candle to mark 4 months since your soul left your beautiful body;
since you went straight to heaven.
I am missing you and will always adore you.

Month 3

Wow it is amazing how time flies,I don't believe that it has been 3 months since you went to heaven.I don't believe how my face just lights up when I talk about you,how much I have hope for a brighter future.Even when tears falls,I remember you with a beautiful broad smile,my miracle baby.I will always love you and keep you in my heart cause that's where you belong.There was a time I will cry myself to sleep but not anymore.Indeed those who wait upon the Lord,He shall renew their strength,they shall mount up on eagles wings.I have reached to a point that I am content and I love the feeling.Maybe people don't feel comfortable talking about you but only if they knew there is absolutely nothing wrong reliving your memories and it is therapy for me.Mommy loves you my darling angel.

I have heard that I should change your name but before I do that I will talk to daddy and take it from there.You are very special(smiles),not wanting to go by my naming pattern and diverting your name to a different,unique direction so that you must be remembered for your uniqueness,wow......I love you more and more everyday.

I am missing my baby so much but in a happy way.As the flowers bloom so beautifully so is my life,yes I have learned to live with the fact that I am an angel mom,that I'll get to see you some day in heaven.I used to wonder if you ate,if you are happy etc, but not anymore cause I know you are safe under the shadow of God's wings.

I am now content,yes it's been 11 weeks but I am better than expected cause when you are in Christ you have a different perspective of death.I will always love you my beautiful baby.Have the sweetest dreams.We send you our love every night cause we believe you hear them,we can't hear your rsponse but we know you are replying back.

Yesterday it was 2 months since you went to heaven.I know that you are my guardian angel and my love for you grows stronger and stronger everyday,with every beat of my heart I love you my baby.I ran the idea with your dad of framing your tekkies and hanging them in your nursery and he is for it.Now I must go frame shopping,oh my word I cannot wait.Maybe in time I will give your clothes away but my best item is those cute little winnie the pooh tekkies and it will blend well with your nursery as it is winnie the pooh so my angel framing them is the best thing for me.

Yesterday was just a normal sunday for me,went to church and got revived.What will I do without God?Absolutely nothing,He carried me through the day with dry eyes and I am grateful as I want to think of my baby and rejoice that she was a perfect gift from heaven.You know there are barren women out there and I thank God that I am not one of them,I carried a life inside of me for the most amazing 8months,yes it is sad that she did not live long but comforting that my womb is blessed,there is more from where Nkazi came from,yes they won't be her but they'll also be the greatest gifts ever.

Thinking of you my angel

Estimated Date of Delivery

Today is or should have been your EDD,I don't know if you would have come early or after this day that's one thing I will always keep asking myself.I had registered numbers of people I wanted to share your birth with and unfortunately I did not get to that.I also wanted to put you in the medi-clinic site for babies but it won't happen.I couldn't wait to write my birth story and share with the world and now I am sharing your death.I love you my little girl and at times I have no words and no tears,I thought today was gonna be hard for me but I am rather not feeling anything.Is it normal?The only date that I count is the day you left me.I am missing you so much,each and everyday I think of you.In your memory I have decided to help pregnant women who are battling to accept their gifts,who are lonely,who have lost.You have taught me a lot in the short period of time and I thank you for coming into my life.Sleep well my angel

Today 10/03/11 marks a month since you left me.My baby mommy thinks of you each and everyday.You were a part of me,which means you'll never be forgotten.Yesterday I packed your things away and I will keep it in the bag until I find closure but when I give them away don't think I will be letting you go cause I keep you in my heart and carry you everywhere I go.Today I just wanted to be alone and think of you but hey I had a visitor who stayed the whole day but atleast I have this time to think and miss you.I love you Nkazimulo and God knows that I wanted you alive but destiny became destiny.At times I feel I have failed you but I know that's satan whispering lies to me cause in a matter of fact I did not.It is amazing how God takes care of one's heart,I now write to you with no tears just heartache indeed He has turned my mourning into dancing.I might not be dancing right now but God has taught me to have peace that comes from Him only.Words cannot explain how I long for you,my heart cannot express how I miss and love you.Nkazimulo my child you'll always be in my heart.When I think of the day you were born,your delicate skin torn,how can I forget that image.To me it looked like you suffered before you left but what I don't understand is why didn't I feel those aggressive kicks at times I feel like a bad mother not to have noticed but thank God who always reminds us that only He protects.*sleep well my sleeping beauty,mommy loves you very much and thinks of you*