BirthVerse

This is the verse that I will cherish as the word says only He had plans for you.This is your birthverse my angel,indeed you were created to be His vessel to be used in heaven,that's the reason you went straight there.Praise be unto His name now and forever.Amen.

Ephesians 2:10
"For we are God’s handiwork,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance
for us to do."

I love you my baby and I know you are making mommy proud.

Officially name removed

After a message from my angel that she wants to be remembered for her uniqueness not be given a pattern name,even though it was beautiful and had a strong meaning,daddy and I had agreed to honour your memory my darling child,Vutshamo is officially removed and we won't add another name.Nkazimulo remains and trully you are God's glory my angel.

You were born unique hence it makes sense that you want to remain unique.I told your sister last night that we should say "Good night Nkazi" and she said it without asking too many questions.I am glad that this name you have disregarded it and you want it to belong to your little brother or sister and it won't be in your memory but it will be rightly his or hers,you have given it to her\him and have given me hope also....

You are special my angel and I love you so very much and even though it might not make sense but as long as you okayed it,daddy and I are fine with the decision.So Miss Nkazimulo Mathibela thank you for your guidance and filling my life with so much hope for a brighter tomorrow.

To all our visitors please note that we have removed Vutshamo aka Tshami and she is now left with her prophetic name Nkazimulo.I know there are those who won't understand but I am honouring my baby's request.Angels do talk(smilling)and I am happy that she did after 3 months of her death.It is still the same blog,we just removed one name and won't be adding another name.

Mother's Intuition

When something is about to happen you know it but you just don't understand it untill it happens.Today I want to unfold the feelings I had even though I had a problem free pregnancy,warning signs were there but I was too blind to see.Just after my birthday(25\01)I had gastro acid which I went to my GP on 27/01.He gave me medication,which I started right away but when we were there I realised that my baby was measuring 2 weeks behind but the heart rate was very strong,I immediately brought into his attention and he said I must not worry about it as sometimes baby's growth slowers.I prayed during my midnight slot and like he said I just didn't worry much.He said he will call my gynae and check my test results and I should come back after two weeks(10/02/11).He phoned and told me that my results are normal and I have nothing to worry about.But since I started taking the medication I realised that my baby's movements have lowered and I asked fellow mommies who told me that late in pregnancy baby kicks become minimum.Okay since with my first baby I didn't have problems I just took like that.The monday (7/02)I felt like my belly is sinking in my tummy,it felt like baby pulling the cord and my mind was put to rest when I was told that baby is just facing a different direction.I remember when one Christian Brother told me that his pastor's wife lost the baby,stillborn I was worried and just had this an easy feeling,thinking to myself if it happened to mighty warriors of God it can also happen to me but my friend El said I shouldn't dwell in negativity which she was right.Wednesday night I had a sharp pain on my abnormal and was nauseous then I went early to bed but didn't get my heart monitor(I hardly used it with Nkazi as I thought I bought it with my 1st daughter and was always paranoid and would check the heart beat and she was born healthy so why bother)that same night I dreamt of my late cousin Kippie(we were happy and sharing jokes at my late granny's house),nothing much.Little did I know she came to fetch my daughter and to tell me that they are happy.

As a prayer warrior,February I just didn't pray much only before going to bed and midnight I will just wake up and go to the toilet and say to myself no I just want to sleep I'll see when I will pray but funny enough God took me to the book of Job and wednesday night I was in Chapter 8 and was not understanding,untill I prayed and my prayer was"Lord I don't know why you took me to this book cause I do not understand it but I pray may you give me your wisdom to understand it."Thursday morning(10/02) Husby and I went to the dr's room(GP) and before we could go to the scan his assistant asked"are you here for your 4months scan?" we laughed at her and told her I was 8 months pregnant,my belly was just too small.The dr came and did the sonar,the first thing he said is this head doesn't look normal;okay I just thought to myself maybe my baby will be abnormal either way it didn't mean much to me as the test results were all good;he immediately went to the heart beat and said Maa'm I can only pick up your heart beat,okay so what dr?I asked,he then replied I am so sorry Maa'm............

OMW,he prepared that I go to the nearest gynae for a c-section.I phoned my mom and she said I must come back home PLK,it didn't make sense to me but Husby said baby lets go home,it's good to be around family.Since we are not mobile he went and asked for a car and we went to PLK and to be honest even though pronounced dead I could still feel the baby move and when I poked her she will move away.He got to my gynae who took me straight to the sonar and confirmed,he prepared that I go to the hospital.I got there and I was induced at 18:30,my mom was there asking different pastors to pray for me and I was digesting the news also.After my mom left,my aunt came we went and sat with her on the visitors side and the pains were bearable,10:00 she left and soon as I got to bed they were horrible then I asked for a pain relief(air gas and epidural),I fell asleep then I just felt this edge to push which I did since there was no harm cause baby is already dead.Then Nkazi arrived sleeping with eyes half opened at 11:45 and cord wrapped tightly on her neck 6 times and twisted as well.Husby and I set there with her for an hour.We prayed for her and took our time,she sure looked like daddy.I must admit my genes are weak(wink)

In the morning my gynae took blood tests which even today I am not interested in the results and I am fine with not knowing.Will only visit him again when I am preggers cause seeing all the bumps there at his rooms is unbearable.

So God talked to me concerning this but my spiritual ears was closed that even the obvious signs I didn't see.but I don't blame myself who would want to know that something might go wrong when you have dreams for your child.God always talks to us so we must level ourselves with Him so that we get the message.Maybe Nkazi would still be here if I had listened but it happened I just need to move past it.To all pregnant mommies do not let anyone(including GP) other than your gynae to say all is well especially if they are not trained for it,bearing in mind that each and every pregnancy is different.

In all this I thank my family even though it was tough we came out refined just like gold.All my friends who were there with their words of comfort and I heard there was a hot babyshower planned for me,actually I was suppose to have 3,just remember that I am done with that road.From now on I will live by old tales,no babyshowers,no buying baby stuff before their born,no disclosing how far am I(wink).

Worst nightmare

My baby Nkazimulo was born sleeping(10/02/11),we were fine with no complications to be told that the heart stopped beating.I couldn't believe my ears and prayed that it was a lie,when my gynae(2nd opinion)confirmed that she was no more my life closed in on me.Nothing seemed to make sense,she was healthy and growing so beautifully and now she is gone.How does a mother make sense of that?

Lord please grant me this one wish,please bring my baby I promise I will be more appreciating.This time around I will rejoice at the news and embrace my growing tummy as you knit together my baby.This cut is too deep,I want to let go but how can I go on without you my angel.Lord please tell me how to say goodbye and let her rest in Your dwelling place where I know she won't hurt no more.There is peace and love where she is but where I am there is pain,sorrow and turmoil.I am grateful that the Lord spared my life so that I can take good care of my daughter but as a family we were all waiting in anticipation to hold you but by the time you arrived,we couldn't even hear a mere cry,just saw your lifeless body lying there with your eyes half-opened to show that you suffered before taking your last breath but why couldn't I feel that,why couldn't I save you.I am a born-again Christian and can see revelations in my dreams but I couldn't see that you were in trouble.Everyday I declared the blood of Jesus to protect you because I knew I couldn't protect you and I know He heard my prayer yet it was His will that you will live in that world and go without sin to the world of no pain.

Fly high my beautiful angel,fly up to the sky.Watch over us everyday;we use to lullaby you with "twinkle-twinkle little star" now we need you to lullaby us my angel,daddy and I can't sleep.We need to hear your sweet voice singing to us,teach us how to let go of bitterness but do not teach us to let go of  you nor forget you because we can't.You meant the world to us and we were ready to give you all the love and provide for you with the little that we had,we knew that you were a perfect gift from the Lord.We trust that the Lord is here and will see us through each and everyday of our lives.You will be dearly missed.Mommy will always hold you so dear to her heart,you must know that she will always love you my little Tshami,what a perfect name for an angel like you.