Filled with hope

Woohoo I am filled with so much hope,after reading an inspiring birth story of a rainbow baby.To be honest I stand in awe of our God so great,indeed He is faithful and delivers as He has promised.

To all angel moms who are trying to conceive or have conceived know that God is able,He is the Giver of Life and like my quote says "after a storm when you are with God there is always a rainbow."I remember speaking to this particular angel mom who is now overjoyed with the birth of a beautiful healthy baby boy and she overcame her fear of yet another stillbirth by keeping positive and had sort of a mark that should I pass this,I am fine.So I urge all angel mom who are expecting their rainbows to have something that will work for them to keep positive.

If God is for us,no one will be against us,so wishing you all rainbow babies in the future.

Saturday I managed to bless a baby girl who was born 3 weeks back with Nkazimulo's clothes.I felt happy knowing that the clothes won't be stored in a bag anymore but actually someone will really use it.The baby's mom is still a teenager with no work,it made so much sense to bless her child.I am actually proud of myself as I loved to open the bag,pack and repack and cry obviously.I only managed to leave winnie the pooh tekkies which I will be framing and hanging in my daughter's bedroom with Nkazi's name engraved and the date of her passing.

Phew*sigh of relief*,who would have thought that I can actually let go?As for me I really never thought I could let go of those clothes but the fact that the Child stole my heart is wonderful,she has such a beautiful name "Omontlemodimo"(God is beautiful),I couldn't agree more.

Nkazi my angel mommy loves you so much and I miss you lots daily.I am reminded of you everytime I see babies your age but mommy has to keep strong.

Sleep tight mommy's beautiful angel

The power of letting go.

Oh my word if you had told me in March,I would have told you to get off my face cause you don't know what you are talking about.You know why was it like that?Because the pain was still fresh and unbearable and it seemed no one understood,but through the months I have learnt a secret to a fulfilling life,I have found joy and peace in my soul once more.No,No I am not strong;I have just accepted that my baby was born different,she was born sleeping but that doesn't make me love her less.I have learned to live with the fact that she's gone and that has taught me to let go of the pain,but what I cherish more is the bond we had and the birthing experience,spending an hour looking at her beautiful face,wow amazing.I have learned that pain can consume a person in a big way,it can make you neglect what matters most.It can make you lose vision for your life.Okay its good to be withdrawn but do you really think about how it affects your loved ones;how you might be depriving them of your love and attention.Pain can steal your life and joy.I have learnt over the months that there is power in letting go of pain.I chose with my own free will to remember my baby with happy emotions,to celebrate her with joy not bitterness,to cherish her as the angel she is.Like I said if someone had told me this earlier I was going to say the person is crazy and insensitive.What I love about letting go,is the fact that it needs an introspection,don't do it cause people say you must do it but do it cause your inner person says so.Some women have carried the pain till death,some can't truly love their children but it's all up to a person.I have decided to let go of the pain,to let go of the stigma of losing a baby.


My sweet sleep tight,mommy loves u dearly.

Hi angel

Hi angel;its mommy sending all her love to you above.This whole week you've been in my thoughts alot and you know you hold a special place in mommy's heart and can invade my thoughts at anytime.I know you looking down on us everyday and we find courage that at least we know that one of the angels assigned to us is one of our own.We are blessed to have you in heaven guarding and protecting us everyday.

God's masterpiece,as I write this message my heart is filled with joy and my hearts whispers,"mommy's pride and joy."I love you Nkazimulo and I am missing you dearly each and everyday of my life.As I ink of I want to tell you that you are very special to me and will always be my baby.I know I don't write as much as I am supposed to but since you live in my heart you know how often I miss you and send you my eternal love.

Sleep well my princess

Graveyard

Finally after four months I get to go back and visit your grave and to my surprise I felt so much joy within me.All the nightmares I had with your grave were not even close to be true and I think that's what gave me peace.For you to be buried so very far from me that I cannot come put flowers everytime I think of you doesn't make me happy but hey I found your grave the way I left it.

I just sat there and the joy that flooded my heart was too great.My angel thank you for sending peace my way,there were times I thought my life was over but you helped me overcome your death by bringing positive outlook in my life.You constantly reminded me of your sister,who has been great and she misses you,hoping that you will send her a living sibling to complete her joy as much as it will complete us as well.

Mommy will always love you my sweet angel.
Goodnight

Bright Shooting Star

As I looked at the sky;
I saw a bright beautiful shooting star;
and as it shot so fast yet brightly;
It brought a smile on my face;
For I knew you were watching over me.

As it moved it reminded me
that you are dancing for joy;
and you are at peace.

That bright shooting star;
reminded me of how perfect you are;
how beautiful you are;
how your name suits you;
that bright shooting star was you;
shooting to remind me that you are with me;
all my life.

Bright star sleep well.Mommy loves you

Doctor's visit

Last week monday I felt these sharp pains on my abdomen and I ask myself what would this be.So Tuesday morning I go to the work clinic where the nurse says it's ovulation pains,then I start googling(yes I soooo love google)then I read and my mind is put at ease,yet there is one thing that is not adding up cause the ovulation calculator says I have already ovulated.Hmmm,then I decided to go visit the gynae no it's not the same gynae that I have been avoiding,atleast is a new one,who knows nothing about me.

I didn't have an appointment cause it was a spare of the moment kind of thing,then I waited a while before I went in.I get there tell him my story then he says climb the bed for me(mind you it is the first time going to the ultrasound after Nkazi's death),I froze a bit when he was busy checking me and walla everything is fine no problems maybe a slight infection which can be caused by anything.

Wow,I just couldn't believe that I will really look at the ultrasound without sharing any tears or being fearful and it confirmed to me that not only physically have I healed but emotionally too and I was glad that I went there.I am making progress.Hurray!!!!!

A dream or a vision

Dreams can be used as a form of communication yet if you do not know how to interpret them just like me they can bring confusion and tend to stress or freak you out.

Few weeks after my beautiful Nkazi went home I dreamt of having triplets(3 sets of babies)2 boys and 1 girl,when I woke up I felt this warmness and peace within me and that dream really comforted and gave me hope for a brighter future.I really don't know what this dreams means but the fact that I woke up happy completes me.

Two weeks back,I dreamt of husby telling me that we had concieved triplets and I was very happy and to be honest when I woke up I immediately thought this dream is a vision.I just think that there is a form of communication through this particular dream,I know that my Father in Heaven had to multiply me that's why I think that this is vision.

So yesterday again I dream of my sister insisting that I shouldn't name my baby(meaning that I had conceived),because she has a perfect name for the child.This morning when I woke up I asked myself is this a dream or vision.Like I said before I am not TTCing just leaving everything is God's capable hands and to be honest I love these sorts of dreams cause they give me hope.My husband is against us TTCing cause he hates it if we (especially me)get desparate cause it will only drive me up the wall and I totally agree.I never planned any of my pregnancies and it is just so beautiful to be surprised.

What worries me is that I never dreamt of Nkazimulo's face,I just think it is not normal.I would really love it if she can come to me and tell me that she loves me too as much as I love her.That beautiful face I saw,I am longing to see it again in a dream.

Mommy misses and adores you my precious angel.

Brand new day

My office phone rang and I picked it up and on the line was my best friend,a God-fearing woman and very wise.She knew I was not fine,oh she is not psychic she read the blog.To be honest she told me something I needed to hear,she is a wise woman indeed.Thank you my love,your words had put alot of things into perspective.Indeed I am not communicating with husby about my feelings as I prefer to just write them down.I have a supportive husband but lately I have been shutting him out,at times I feel like he does not understand,I had to birth our little girl and and and....To be honest he lost a daughter too and he needs me as much as I need him.Okay he is not good talking about his feelings but it does not mean he is not grieving.We sometimes open the blog and just sit and read it together,he would love to write something but he is not good at expressing himself in this way.

Last night I wrote in his diary how I felt as I couldn't say it without crying and just put it there on his pillow.He read it.Hmmm after that talk with my best friend I know things have to change and for the better.I want Tshami to look down at us and say wow I am proud of my family,they love me so much that they live in love and harmony with each other.They had took my death and made it a glue for the family not tearing apart cause I am not physically there.


She reminded me that I am still a mother to my beautiful girl and she needs me,she needs the attention that she used to get,she needs the bonding session,she reminded me that Tshami will love to see me devouting my time and energy on her sister not crying.Not forgetting that I am a wife and my husband needs me as well.Tshami would be very happy to look at her family and say I am proud to belong to such a loving and strong family.I want my baby to be proud of us when looking down from heaven and showing other angel friends that look at my family they are happy and live in harmony with each other.

After the phone call,guess who knocked on my door....Husby....oh yes my husband bringing me lunch.He said to me "I love the fact that you are writting a blog but does it help you or you are writting to help other moms".Hmmm I remembered that my best friend also asked me the very same thing and to be honest I am writting for my own benefit,this is not to gain audience,putting my feelings down help me get by everyday,when I feel drained,I just log on and read or write.He said important things to me and I love him for that.He reminded me that I am a Christian and all the flashbacks are an attack from the devil,holding on is what the devil wants me to do.I should let go and by letting go I am letting my baby rest in peace.He reminded me that I will miss my blessing cause I am hanging on to death,in a matter of fact Tshami is not dead she just went home and she has duties to fulfill there and as I carry on and cry she cannot perform her duties to the best of her ability cause I am worrying her.He also said moving on does not mean that we have to forget about her,moving on means reliving her memory with much joy and peace in our hearts.

I remember singing this song:"Through it all,through it all,I've learned to trust in Jesus,I've learned to trust in God,through it all,through it all,I've learned to depend upon His name.Indeed through it all I've learned to trust God will renew my strength and I will fly on eagles wings.I love this scripture "mourning may last for a night but joy cometh in the morning".Today I am very happy and I am blessed to have wonderful people in my life that remind me that God is here with me,by my side and as long as I continue to fix my eyes on Him,He will heal me.Actually He has already healed me and taking me to the next level.God will never give me more than I can handle.I am blessed to be an angel mom,it's because He loved us so much to have our baby born to Him.

One preacher once said"babies come through us not from us."I agree Ju we released her,we prayed for her and she arrived safely and my love thank you that she confirmed to you through a dream that she arrived well and she is very happy and we too need to be happy and stick together.You know God talks to us and because we are hung up on emotions we can't even hear.Today is a brand new day for me and all thanks to my darling husband and best friend.

One step forward

Oh my word I don't believe that yesterday husby actually opened up and we had a conversation about Tshami.Things are looking up indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel.The way he was so anti-this-topic I thought he was one day gonna crash& break down.It is indeed a step forward that we talked about her,about the cause of her death and what precautions we can take next time,things that drs do not tell you about.Yesterday I spent the whole day researching on google and what I found out was heart soothing(in a sense that I know next time it could be prevented and it is good as a patient to know and tell the drs what they can do to help you) but heart breaking as well.I never thought I can have a high risk pregnancy but after this thats what I have become but either way it is good to be monitored than for a person to just take my money without doing a proper job(that's how I feel).

Since my daughter loves talking about her little sister,I have decided that I won't be harsh and show no interest to her but rather I will support her so from sunday we have developed this habit of saying goodnight and sending our love to Tshami before we sleep and I can see from her face that it lights up everytime we send our love and kisses to her little sister and I think in that way she grow up having a better understanding that even when we don't see our loved ones we carry them in our hearts forever.

So we all have taken that one step forward to our healing process and it helps alot and revives.The first few weeks I hated a person who will say,time heals and today I see that indeed it heals.Some may say it is too early to say that but I say it is way overdue,I do not need to stay in sorrow for long the bible says joy cometh in the morning.This is the week for her estimated date of delivery I just don't know how it will be as the week progress but I am trusting in God to see me through

The blaming game

As we all know that when something goes wrong,people need to point a finger on someone to make it better.Okay if we were to play the blaming game,this was gone be like......

We blame our GP for not reffering us to the gynae the minute he saw that baby could be in danger.(Okay since it eases does it bring Tshami back,my answer is NO so in a matter of fact the GP had nothing to do with this as he had successfully cared for more pregnant women and it happened that 1% in 99% ended up fatally).

Mommy can say I told you not to visit the GP and if only you had listened nothing like this could have happened.Young people do not listen to older people(Okay same answer as to the dr)

Husby,baby I told you to take an early maternity leave.(Okay since I was 31 weeks and not yet 36 weeks if I take the leave what will I sit and do at home and besides I do office work with less harm to me nor the baby)

Chat forums and FB,you hardly know who you chat with and in most cases satanists enjoy this chats and knows all your plans and aim to destroy.(Only God can protect us cause nowadays we are leaving in a world full of haters and satanists who just want to break the children of God.Those who know me knows that I speak freely of my religion,I am a born again Christian and my Jesus was crucified with no sin,He suffered and the suffering did not end cause if you follow Jesus you will be crucified,if you do not know where you are with the Lord,satan does not care about you but when you accept Jesus and follow Him he(satan) will attack in different directions.It is to test your faith,don't get confused God doesn't test or tempt us NEVER always remember that the fire is not meant to burn you but to keep you in God.I disconnected my FB account cause spiritually I felt the need to do so.

Kuli(me) ,If I had started with the gynae,things like this could have been prevented,if I had prayed more God could have saved her,if husby will do all the cleaning and the cooking in the house I could have relaxed even more and if I had used the heart monitor I could have detected this(Answer:same as the drs,when we pray we say let thy will be done so His protection was indeed upon me cause it could have been worse,how many women die with their babies but He gave me a chance to have other children,really now husby did all he can possibly do to support me but since I am more of DIY I would shift things around and not even bother asking him,I will ask him only if it suited me so why blame him,what could the heart monitor possibly have done cause I was only going to pick up that the heart has stopped and what then?)I have realised that some women drink and smoke yet their pregnancies are successful and some can say it is not fair but I say "if you do not want it to happen to you,why do you want it to happen to someone else"Spiritually speaking,if it happens to an unbeliever do you possibly think she will draw closer or apart from God?Think about it

Witchcraft,this is one of african's favourite,it is alive and we experience it everyday so basically this is satan.Okay what I have learned in the book of Job is when satan asked God if he(satan)can test Job's faithfulness God said okay you can but on Job do not touch a soul.This statement takes me to His will was done so basically is this; each and every person has their own destiny and that was Tshami's and the Lord is good and His faithfulness endures forever.Satan took all that belonged to Job and his children included and we see that God restores everything back.Truly speaking this has brought me even closer to God,He is my refuge and strong tower.Wa ndzi hlulela(He conquers for me).In my darkest hour,He is my light.

Conclusion so the blaming game doesn't work,what works is prayer that may the God of peace grants us peace and strength to carry on cause He who has begun a good work in us will carry it to completion till the day of Christ.So instead of being bitter and wanting answers the best way is to pray back and not payback.The battle is not ours but of the Lord so I have decided to leave all at the His feet(throne of mercy and grace).

I love you Tshami my angel and your death had drawn me even closer to my Father.I know you are happy at your new home.Your sister and I were sending you our love last night,I hope you had us and saw you giving you a kiss.Your sister always talks about you and takes out a plate(winnie the pooh) for you when I dish up for her,she misses you so much the little sister that she had but never really got to know nor play with but her love for you will always be in her heart.We love you