Brand new day

My office phone rang and I picked it up and on the line was my best friend,a God-fearing woman and very wise.She knew I was not fine,oh she is not psychic she read the blog.To be honest she told me something I needed to hear,she is a wise woman indeed.Thank you my love,your words had put alot of things into perspective.Indeed I am not communicating with husby about my feelings as I prefer to just write them down.I have a supportive husband but lately I have been shutting him out,at times I feel like he does not understand,I had to birth our little girl and and and....To be honest he lost a daughter too and he needs me as much as I need him.Okay he is not good talking about his feelings but it does not mean he is not grieving.We sometimes open the blog and just sit and read it together,he would love to write something but he is not good at expressing himself in this way.

Last night I wrote in his diary how I felt as I couldn't say it without crying and just put it there on his pillow.He read it.Hmmm after that talk with my best friend I know things have to change and for the better.I want Tshami to look down at us and say wow I am proud of my family,they love me so much that they live in love and harmony with each other.They had took my death and made it a glue for the family not tearing apart cause I am not physically there.


She reminded me that I am still a mother to my beautiful girl and she needs me,she needs the attention that she used to get,she needs the bonding session,she reminded me that Tshami will love to see me devouting my time and energy on her sister not crying.Not forgetting that I am a wife and my husband needs me as well.Tshami would be very happy to look at her family and say I am proud to belong to such a loving and strong family.I want my baby to be proud of us when looking down from heaven and showing other angel friends that look at my family they are happy and live in harmony with each other.

After the phone call,guess who knocked on my door....Husby....oh yes my husband bringing me lunch.He said to me "I love the fact that you are writting a blog but does it help you or you are writting to help other moms".Hmmm I remembered that my best friend also asked me the very same thing and to be honest I am writting for my own benefit,this is not to gain audience,putting my feelings down help me get by everyday,when I feel drained,I just log on and read or write.He said important things to me and I love him for that.He reminded me that I am a Christian and all the flashbacks are an attack from the devil,holding on is what the devil wants me to do.I should let go and by letting go I am letting my baby rest in peace.He reminded me that I will miss my blessing cause I am hanging on to death,in a matter of fact Tshami is not dead she just went home and she has duties to fulfill there and as I carry on and cry she cannot perform her duties to the best of her ability cause I am worrying her.He also said moving on does not mean that we have to forget about her,moving on means reliving her memory with much joy and peace in our hearts.

I remember singing this song:"Through it all,through it all,I've learned to trust in Jesus,I've learned to trust in God,through it all,through it all,I've learned to depend upon His name.Indeed through it all I've learned to trust God will renew my strength and I will fly on eagles wings.I love this scripture "mourning may last for a night but joy cometh in the morning".Today I am very happy and I am blessed to have wonderful people in my life that remind me that God is here with me,by my side and as long as I continue to fix my eyes on Him,He will heal me.Actually He has already healed me and taking me to the next level.God will never give me more than I can handle.I am blessed to be an angel mom,it's because He loved us so much to have our baby born to Him.

One preacher once said"babies come through us not from us."I agree Ju we released her,we prayed for her and she arrived safely and my love thank you that she confirmed to you through a dream that she arrived well and she is very happy and we too need to be happy and stick together.You know God talks to us and because we are hung up on emotions we can't even hear.Today is a brand new day for me and all thanks to my darling husband and best friend.