It doesn't mean

It doesn't mean that if I am smilling;
I am not in pain.
It doesn't mean if I walk around;
I am strong.
It doesn't mean if I keep quiet;
I can't see that you are tip toeing around me.
It doesn't mean if my eyes are dry;
I am not hurting.
It doesn't mean that I am insane;
when I talk about my late baby.
It doesn't mean if I go on;
with life I have forgotten.
Do not dictate my life and my feeling;

My baby girl I miss you
I am just a mother missing her daughter.

Angel Mom

I know you never wanted to be;
but either way who will want to be
an angel mom.
I know you cry yourself to sleep everday;
but either way who will expect you to be
the same after being an angel mom.
I know you cannot let go of all memories;
but who will expect you to be after a
painful experiance.
I know you are scared to concieve again;
but who will expect you not to be.
I know you count the days,weeks,months
and eventually years;
but who will expect you not to
when all you have ever wanted was to count&celebrate birthdays.

I am an angel mom and all I ever dreamt of
was raising my baby girl.
I know how it feels to be told there is no heartbeat.
I know how it feels when people look at you like you
have a contagious disease.
I know how it is to sleep in a pool of tears
but let's all fix our eyes on the Giver of life.
being an angel mom is painful.

Wishing you all angel moms healthy and screeming rainbows
With all of my love

I will never....

I will never let death
hold me down.
I will never let nasty
comments bring me down.
I will never let fear
take root.
I will never let my relationship
die.

It's horrible enough that I lost a child
but I refuse to lose my life,joy and future.

Another Day

Every day,I awake is a brand new day;
another day to love;
another day to be joyous;
another day to remember;
what could be mine
but is not mine phsyically but spiritually;
another day to wipe all the tears;
another day to say good bye sorrow and pain;
another day to smile;
another day of the Lord;
another day of new beginnings;
another day for a brighter future;
another day to live

Missing you my baby Nkazi

Bright Shooting Star

As I looked at the sky;
I saw a bright beautiful shooting star;
and as it shot so fast yet brightly;
It brought a smile on my face;
For I knew you were watching over me.

As it moved it reminded me
that you are dancing for joy;
and you are at peace.

That bright shooting star;
reminded me of how perfect you are;
how beautiful you are;
how your name suits you;
that bright shooting star was you;
shooting to remind me that you are with me;
all my life.

Bright star sleep well.Mommy loves you

I am lighting a candle

Today I am lighting a candle in your honour;
honouring the life that you lived short and brief;
honouring the joy I had carrying you.

Today I am lighting a candle in your memory;
thinking of the life that was waiting for you;
thinking of all the goodies waiting for you.

Today I am lighting a candle in remembrance of the energy you had;
remembering the wave gave us on the ultra sound;
remembering the sensentional kicks you gave me;
remembering seeing you without a heartbeat;
remembering seeing you peacefully sleeping.

Today I am lighting a candle to mark 4 months since your soul left your beautiful body;
since you went straight to heaven.
I am missing you and will always adore you.

Wouldn't it be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I would take out your photo album;
and see you?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I would close my eyes;
and see clips of your smile?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I would play that video clip
just to hear your voice?

Wouldn't it be nice if I missed you;
I will go to your nursery;
and reminisce on the times spent there?

It would be nice my angel;
only if I was given the chance to have a memory of you
but hey no memories to reminisce whatesoever.
Good night my beautiful baby girl,mommy misses you.

Precious little one by Kulani

Precious little one you lived in your world,
Where you only knew your mother's voice and touch
And you were wrapped with her warmth

For 31 weeks you explored your world,
swimming was part of your hobby
as well as playing skipping rope
At most times you'll kick as hard as a karate kid
You enjoyed your world

My precious little one
in your busy day
you heard a voice of your Maker
calling you home
and you gladly responded

As I look up to the sky and see the stars
I know you are looking down and smilling at me
You are my twinkle little star,
shinning brighter and brighter each and everyday
As energetic as you were
You even amazed the doctors
I wouldn't skip that doctor's appointment
just to see you play in the sonar
Keep up that lively spirit my precious little one

Keep smilling
keep shinning
keep living my precious little one

You will always be remembered and cherished.
Mommy adores you.

copyrights reserved

Blessed and Chosen One by Kulani

I am one of those blessed ones
One of those chosen ones
Chosen and blessed to be a guardian angel
Looking after all my loved ones that I didn't get to meet face to face
But I connect with them spiritually.

I know they had dreams for me
But my Father in heaven had even greater plans for me
When I arrived I was welcomed with sweet music, dancing and lots of laughter
Even though I won't get to know how my family would have welcomed me
But I am happy here in my new home,
I am living an eternal life

I know I have left lots of tears
Mommy and Daddy please do not cry
Everyday I come and give you my love and dozen of kisses
Tell my sister as well that I love her so dearly
And I am always by her side
when she's alone and longs for a friend

My Father promised me that He will turn your mourning into dancing
So take heart my dear parents you will be happy again
You will hold a newborn baby and get to dress up
I was just the blessed and chosen one of the Lord
You did not fail me,I was called home
Cause there are things I needed to do
I love you with all of my heart

Cheers!

copyright reserved

I love you by Kulani

Only if words can be expressed any better and louder,you'll hear my heart....
singing a beautiful song to you my baby
with the sweet melody and beautiful instruments
You'll hear it singing I LOVE YOU

Loving you came naturally
whether I held you or not
whether I rocked you or not
My love for you was not at first sight
It was unconditional and it still remains that

Loving you now could have been difficult
cause you are out of my sight but it's very easy
Cause I was born to love you dearly

Motherly love is sacred
and only God know why its natural
I love you with all of my heart
I know you can hear that melody in my heart
as it sings "I LOVE YOU BABY"

copyrights reserved

Your Life by Kulani

Your life was like dew of the morning
when the sunrised,it melted
It melted so quickly so fast

Your maker had called you home
We might not understand but we accept
Your life was pre-planned
and whether we like it or not
that was your destiny

For if not,you could have been still growing in my womb waiting for your time to come and grace us with your presence
As hard as it is to know that your life was never lived in this world of the living
But you did live a life in my womb

Precious Nkazi I will celebrate your life all my life
for you were a very special child
who lived in the unknown world
and now lives in heaven with my Father
Your life was and is still precious

It could have been a long life but now you are blessed
because you are living an eternal life
where you are there is no more death
Live your life to the fullest chosen one of God
Live your life
I miss you Nkazimulo
copyrights reserved

Peacefully by Kulani

Peacefully you came into this world
Peacefully you left
Peaceful that's where you went

Leaving this rattling world
Leaving its pain and sorrows
Leaving its sins behind

Peacefully your soul rests
Peacefully your body rests
At peace mommy gets as she knows that .......
Peacefully you are sleeping tight
covered with the shadow of God's wings
Waiting for the coming of the Lord

Sleep peacefully always Nkazimulo my angel'
mommy loves and adores you

copyrights reserved

Till we meet by Kulani

Till we meet in paradise my girl
I shall remember you
I shall love you dearly
I shall miss you
I shall wonder how you could have been
I shall wonder how could I have been as a mother,as your mother
But till we meet again
I shall hold on to the dreams I had for you
the plans I had for you
the things I wanted to teach you
the laughs and cries we could have shared
the hugs and kisses
the vacations we could have taken
the photographs we could have captured

I will never say goodbye
I will never bid you farewell
But I will say "till we meet again"
where our hearts desires will be met
where you'll know me and know how much I loved you
How much I missed you
Give you those lots of hugs and kisses
Till we meet again Nkazimulo
I will always hold you in my heart

copyrights reserved

Beautiful angel by Kulani

You were born without wings but very beautiful
Wonderfully and fearfully made by God
When your soul departed from your body
He welcomed you with open arms and crowned you with wings
so that you join His kingdom

I believe from the beauty I saw
and now with wings added
You are a very beautiful angel
Spread those wings oh my innocent child with pride
For you were born blessed and sinless
You were sprinkled with the blood of Jesus and partook the body of Christ
with no doubt in my heart that you've found a perfect,beautiful place to stay in
A place fit for a beautiful angel like you

Nkazimulo spread those wings
You blessed child of the Lord and fly abundantly into the sky
I know you are gracing the kingdom of my Father with your outstanding beauty
Oh my beautiful angel,mommy loves you so dearly
and is at peace that you are an active and beautiful angel
How sweet for a mother to know that,so soothing for the aching heart
But bringing smiles that you are bringing glory to the kingdom of the Most High
I miss you Nkazi,my beautiful angel

copyrights reserved

My story by Kulani

There were photographs I wanted to take,things I wanted to show you
Stories of family trees I wanted to share with you
sing sweet lullabies,wipe your teary eyes
who could love you like this?
People say that I am strong but I'm not
truth is I'm barely hanging on but there's a greater story written before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you while your heart beats there
long beyond the empty cradle,through the coming years
I will carry you all my life
and will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you
such a short time,such a long road

But I know that the silence has brought me to His voice
and says "I've chosen you to mother one of my angels"
And as I release you my angel,I pray you land safely
I  will carry you in my spirit
and put you in my sacred place
where no one will ever take your love from me not even death itself

I love you Nkazimulo.

copyrights reserved

Death by Kulani

Death do you have any remorse at all?
Do you know the pain you leave after you have snatched?
I would like to know your selection cause I do not understand why all the innocents you take.
Death oh death; you are a thief.
The biggest thief that robs people of what could have been joyous.
What could have been joy;you turn to sorrow and bitterness
Oh death don't you have feeling at all cause if you had you wouldn't have taken my beautiful baby

I do not hate you yet I do not like you
You have hurt me so much,you saw that my little girl will complete me once more and will be my pride and joy and you chose her.
Oh my word,you left me paralyzed,my whole being is numb
Death,the time thief,you stole the time I could have spent raising my girls,now I am left with one beautiful girl to raise.

Death such a small word but your impact is too hard
No one loves you,even old people are scared of you
When you come you do not knock,you just throw yourself in
You gatecrasher and destroy the lifes of people
Wherever you pass,you leave turmoil and lots of sadness,lots of unanswered questions
Do you have a family?
You'd know that it hurts when you come and steal our loved ones
Death your wounds do not heal,they always strikes the heart and tear it into pieces and when you visit another family,you always relive the memories of all those you have snatched from another family.
Yet we cannot run away from you nor hide from you cause when you call we are bound to answer as painful as it is to those left behind.
Death oh death

copyrights reserved

Pain of a mother who lost a child by Kulani

If you are not a mother and never lost,how do you expect to know the pain of losing a child.
Whether miscarriage,stillborn,born and lived life but passes on; the pain of seeing the child that you birthed covered with soil is unbearable.
Wishing as a mother you can breathe your own breath so that your child might have life;wishing if you had taken his/her space
But life do not work that way;everyone has their own destiny

But the pain that comes with burying your own child is unbearable;
You always wonder when you see other children how yours could have been
You smile and hide grief when around people but when the sunset;the memories comes back very strong and yearn just to hold him\her and say "baby,mommy adores you."

This is one pain that the wound doen't heal,no medication can heal it nor make it better;
no time frame heals the pain,you'll just try to move on but like I said in your quiet time all the memories bring back the pain.

One pain you cannot transfer to anyone to carry it for you
One pain that you carry by yourself as heavy and heartbreaking as it is
such suffering that you are expected to move on and forget cause you can bear more children
They forget that every child is unique and as a mother you are given plenty of love to share to all your children and no child will replace another.
The pain of a mother who lost a child no matter how old they were\are is heart piercing,it is a nightmare no amount of condelescences can remove the pain,no amount of children can remove the pain,not even time will heal.
This is one pain the mother takes to the grave with.

copyrights reserved