After the funeral of my angel,my husband went back home(our home)and I was left with my family to care and support me.Husby and I will talk on the phone daily and I felt it was not enough but we had to respect "tradition" as it forbidded us to be together till a certain period of time.I grew apart from my husband cause there were things that he did that I thought was so unnecessary and inconsiderate not even considering his feeling or why he is acting the way he was(guess I was also inconsiderate).I don't know if I wanted him to fall apart and sob everyday like I did,depend on sleeping tablets every night like I did.He also couldn't sleep but that didn't matter to me,I just thought he is boozing the night away(I was wrong).To be honest I think what the elders thought was helpful was not,cause the distance drew us apart.Tradition or not husband and wife need to be there for each other in this time.It's sad that I have learned that the hard way but I thank God that my husband and I are okay.
I remember he once asked to go to a party and I snapped.Why do you even think of parties in a time like this?What are you celebrating?the fact that my baby died pleases you that you cannot wait for the mourning period to be over you just want to go out and have a jol.Was I too harsh?I never really sat him down and asked him how he really felt and the fact that I was not there for him to support him and I was surrounded by all my loved ones whilst he had to go back home to see to it there are no break-ins.
In my head,everytime he will say something,It came that he doesn't care.He was not carrying that life,that's why he won't feel like his heart has been ripped out.But to be honest I was plain selfish to even think that and I am glad that someone knocked some sense into my head before I lost a daughter and a husband.My husband loves me unconditionally and always here for me when I need a shoulder but I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I kept pushing him away from me.
He came to fetch me,after spending a month with my family and I just didn't get it that he avoid every topic about our daughter and it just pissed me off big time.But later realised that it was his own way of dealing with his grief.He loved our daughter as much as I do and will contunue to love her.
I am glad that my baby's death made our hearts grow even fonder of each other but there are some families who have drifted apart because of a death of a baby.If I may ask this question:"honestly do we think our baby will rest in peace knowing that his\her death had torn apart a home,the home that he\she was suppose to belong in too."I am appealing to every angel family to not allow grief steal your peace and joy as a family.Do not allow guilt to destroy you.The blaming game always destroys and never builds.Some things do not need counselling it only needs understanding.
I thank my husband cause he understood and just kept quiet to my allegations because he wanted to avoid fights and the day that I woke up in the right side of bed he will tell me nicely that he didn't like what I said and why must I say such things etc....Counselling is good but it is for dealing with emotions etc not the heart,as for relationships is the matter of the heart.You love your spouse,so why are you pushing him\her away from you when they want to reach out and help.
I remember my husband telling me that "my love I don't ever want other kids."and that is exactly how I felt too.Reason is the fear of occurance.You know it hurts so much to want to spare the love of your life pain which in so doing inflicting more pain.I am talking about what I call selfish thinking,at the moment it sounds right to utter the words "I am so done with having children."but do you honestly think how the reciever feels about this message you are communicating?We must remember that God did not give us the spirit of fear but of love,power and of a sound mind.Some things we just have to put it in God's "to-do-list",trust that you won't suffer stillbirth again.
Now I am thinking of all the angel families who have no living babies and it is rather selfish if a man or a woman wants to spear you another unknown pain but saying we are done,this was our first and last child.But in most cases I see that after some time there is that urge of wanting to have another baby,so if your spouse said that just give them time to pass their shocking stage and you might hear the words that you want to hear.
And I am this because my husband and I are past the shocking stage,we are not TTCing cause we had put our trust in the Lord and I love this scripture that says "those who wait upon the Lord,shall renew their strength,they shall mount up on eagles wings."So that what I Kuli Christ is saying....
Let's be kind to one another and not let grief consume our relationships cause you might regret it and it will be too late.The best comfort a mom can get is from the dad cause you are experiencing the same thing,rid the mentality that it is different cause he just gave the sperm...
I am missing my darling angel,Nkazimulo mommy loves you so much
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