It's been two years since I lost my son,Jeffrey,at birth.It's strange,the process of grief,how it goes from unbearable heartache to eventual acceptance.When it first happened,people kept telling me my pain would ease as time went by,but at the time,it was hard to imagine that I would ever feel better.It is such a senseless loss.I remember thinking how cruel God must be to let such a thing happen....to give me a baby,let it grow inside for nine months,and then take him away just hours before he was to be delivered into my arms.
But it has been two years,and I have now learned to accept my loss,the loss of my son's little brother,and my daughter's big brother.In the beginning I couldn't go for more than a few minutes without crying,then a few hours,a day,a week,a month,and eventually I might go a year without crying.But the tears are there to fall,when I let them,because it is sad and always will be,there's no way to get around that.
Even though I have accepted what has happened and that I will never know why,every August 25 I will be that mother who just lost her child, and will feel the heartache of that day.I will always wish I was celebrating my little boy's birthday,through every year and every stage of life,instead of the anniversary of his death.
There will always be that empty place in our lives that effrey would have filled.We'll always wish he was here with us,and that we could have known him.But I have to believe that he was born to God...that God had other plans that are too great for me to understand.
And since I can't hold him in my arms,I will hold him,forever,in my heart.
Jeffrey's Mom
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